Not Exactly What it Seems

She was acting strange and distant, but I knew that there was a lot on her mind. I tried to be there for her in the only way I knew how, and she seemed to appreciate that. There was still something I knew she was not telling me, but I was not going to bug her about it to add to the pressure she was already feeling.

Christmas break was finally over and school came again, along with an excuse to get away from my parents. I had avoided them, but with school there was actually a reason to do so and they could not say anything about it. And I desperately needed to talk to Mr. Haner to find some kind of insight into my life. He was always willing to dissect my problems, but I was wondering if this was even beyond what he could fix.

What was I supposed to do though? Hayden was always right there attached to my hip so how was I supposed to talk about him when he was right there? That may sound awful, but I needed to figure things out. And not only was Hayden always there with me, but Frankie was constantly there as well and I could do nothing about it.

I had to tell them that I needed to talk to Mr. Haner by myself and that I would really appreciate it if they would find somewhere else to go for study hall. What else was I supposed to do? They seemed to be okay with it, so he and I had a little heart to heart during study hall. I told him everything that had been going on and he sat there in open mouthed amazement listening to it all.

“Well,” he started after I had everything out in the open, “you sure do know how to make your life complicated.” I gave him an annoyed and exasperated look, but he laughed softly. “Look, I know you want everything to be worked out easily and as uncomplicated as possible, but sometimes there just isn’t a definitive answer for you. What are you scared of most?”

“What am I scared of?” That was an interesting question and I had never once asked myself that question. “I guess… I guess I’m really terrified of making Hayden feel like he has to stay with me. I love him, but I don’t want him to feel like I need him to be there with me. I just want him to be happy and I’m scared that I’ve been keeping him from that.”

The look that he gave me showed that he was thinking very hard about my answer. Whatever his problem was before the break and the sketchy feelings I had about him were gone and he was my friend/teacher again. I knew that he couldn’t really be my friend until I graduated, but he was still there for me.

“Do you realize how mature that answer sounded? You’re only seventeen, but you want what’s best for him whether that means he’s with you or not. Not a lot of teenagers are willing to do that. Have you talked to Hayden about it?”

I rolled my eyes at that, even though that made me seem like an indifferent jerk. “Like he would ever tell me he was unhappy. He thinks I’m perfect and he would never tell me that he had a problem, you know?”

“He obviously loves you, but are you sure he loves you and not the idea that he has someone to love? You need to sit him down and really ask him whether he’s willing to stay for the long haul or whether he’ll get scared of all the pressure.”

“Well, he does love me and I know that. He talked me down from a ledge and I mean that literally. He wasn’t going to-”

“Wait, back up a bit there. You were going to jump? You were so dissatisfied with your life that you were going to end it? Onyx, why would you do that?!”

“I told you what my parents were saying! Everything has become so overwhelming and I didn’t know what to do! I still don’t know what to do! Nothing is making sense and I finally have a boyfriend I actually love and I can’t handle it. What is wrong with me, really?”

“You need to sort it all out. Take a deep breath.” I had started to hyperventilate and I could not breathe right. He looked at me with a serious expression, but I wasn’t able to focus because of all the emotions swimming in my head. I was in love, but I didn’t want to hold him back. I was happy, but I was becoming depressed at the same time. My life was spiraling out of control, but I had everything I wanted. Why couldn’t I just be happy and leave it at that?

“Onyx, you need to breathe,” Mr. Haner ordered seriously. I tried to take a breath, but it didn’t help the pounding in my head. “Onyx, I want you to really look at your life and tell me what things would be like if you weren’t with Hayden. Tell me what it would be like if you stopped being Felicity. Tell me what it would be like if you didn’t have Felicity or Hayden there for you.”

I took another deep breath and really thought about it. “Without Hayden, I don’t think I would be able to give up Felicity or vice versa. I need one of them because if I didn’t have Felicity, at least I would have Hayden to keep me happy and alive. If I didn’t have Hayden, then at least I would have Felicity so that I could pretend I was happy and I would always have a boy to pretend I was happy with even if he wasn’t someone I wanted. It’s selfish. I keep telling Hayden that I am so selfish, but he doesn’t believe me. Why doesn’t he believe me?”

“Sweetheart, you really are not selfish at all. That’s not the problem here. The problem is that you have been so misled for all of your life and you don’t know what is right. What if you had to choose between the two? If there was absolutely no other alternative, what would you do?”

“Oh please don’t ask me that.” I sighed heavily, trying to picture my life.

“Onyx, you really need to figure this out because if you are having doubts about either, you cannot keep stringing both along like this. You need to think very seriously about what you want and how you are going to achieve it.”

“It’s just that Felicity has been a part of my life forever and I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t have her. What if I can’t handle being without her?”

As I looked to Mr. Haner for guidance, I noticed that he was looking past me and had a pained expression on his face. Slowly, I looked over my shoulder to see Hayden standing there looking lost and heartbroken. Tears sprang to my eyes.

“You…you don’t want to try it with me?” he wondered softly, in a broken voice.

“Hayden, I didn’t say that. I didn’t say that at all. You know how happy you make me, it’s just that-”

“It’s just that you weren’t happy enough to stop yourself from jumping,” he interrupted. “You would have left me if I wasn’t there to stop you. You wouldn’t have tried jumping if you were still with Nathanial because you still had everything.”

“Hayden, no. I just don’t have a balance yet and there was so much pressure. With Nathanial, I thought I had the balance because no one was asking anything more from me, but that was because I was who they wanted me to be.”

“But you were happy. You weren’t depressed when you were with him; you weren’t looking for a way out. I guess I was just too blind to notice that I was never meant to be a part of the equation. There was never really room for me.”

“What…Hayden, what are you saying?” I was so scared that I knew exactly what he was saying. If that were the case, my mental breakdown would commence as soon as he walked out the door.

“Onyx, I’m saying that I cannot compete with Felicity and I’m tired of trying. I love you, but that will never be enough.” I could see the tears in his eyes as he turned around to walk out the door. And out of my life.

I stared at Mr. Haner for a few minutes, not really seeing him, before I totally broke down and the tears streamed from my eyes in a flood of salty water. He immediately wrapped me in a hug as I cried on his shoulder. Was Hayden really going to hate me forever?