Not Exactly What it Seems

Why had I been so stupid? There was no way that she could ever be happy with me; who was I kidding? As much as I wanted it to work out, I was stupid to think that I made her happy. She tried to kill herself yet I clung to the hope that I could save her. Why would I think that when I was the one who made her want to jump in the first place? I was never meant to be happy, let alone be happy with someone as perfect as her.

Two weeks. Two weeks had gone by and he still refused to talk to me. We had every class together, our lockers were close together, but he would not even look at me. Frankie was trying to help me through it, but I knew she was having a hard time since she thought it was partly my fault. I knew that it was entirely my fault, but I appreciated that she was willing to even try.

Without having Hayden in my life, I threw myself into the spotlight and acted just as Felicity was supposed to act. No one knew that my real life was falling apart, but I guess that is to be expected from an actress extraordinaire. Maybe I should have taken up my mother’s profession and been an actress; it would have been very fitting.

Even though I was a brilliant actress, Nathanial knew that there was something wrong. Though I hated the fact that he knew me so well, it was kind of nice to know that I had someone I could talk to who would not be biased. I could tell Frankie, but Nathanial could look at it as more of a third person observer; Frankie was too much a part of it. It probably wasn’t a good idea to hang out so much in public with the guy that Hayden had used in his argument for breaking up with me, but I didn’t know who else to turn to at that point.

I was a ghost, with no real reason to be alive and no real reason to keep trying. Felicity was happy and content, but I was breaking apart and there was nothing I could do anything about it. Within those two weeks, I must have read that note from Hayden a thousand times. That first note he wrote me and left on my door in the middle of the night. Every time I read it, my heart broke even more. Was he hurting as much as me or did he move on to someone better? Someone who could make him happy?

Frankie still talked to him and said he was as bent out of shape as me, but I wasn’t convinced. I thought she was just humoring me so that I wouldn’t feel quite as badly, but it did not help. I wanted to be able to talk to him again; we had always been able to talk about everything and it killed me not talking at all. Why was it so much worse when he broke up with me since I was thinking of doing the same thing? I guess that was just about the worst decision I ever made.

Though Nathanial was helping me cope, I could see that there was something wrong with him too. He was not as lost as I was, but I could tell that he was going through something hard and it made me feel even more worthless to have him worry about me so much. So I asked him why he let me be so selfish when there was obviously something wrong. He swore that he liked helping me out, but that he and Anna had broken up because she said that they just did not work together. I thought that was totally stupid because they were perfect together, but I guess I really had no room to talk.

One day after school, I was heading out the main entrance when I saw a very mad Anthony. As soon as he saw me, he ran to me and wrapped me in a huge hug with a force that knocked the breath out of me. He told me that he heard about what happened with Hayden and that he had come to beat him up just like he promised he would do. He must have seen the look of horror on my face because he stopped scanning the crowd of students for Hayden and looked seriously at me.

“Why don’t I take you out for coffee and we can talk about it?” he suggested, noticing how broken I looked. “I will probably still beat him up, but I want to hear the story first. How does that sound?”

I tried to smile my consent, but I’m sure it looked more pained than anything that could closely resemble a real smile. He saw that I was willing to go nonetheless and we were off, leaving my school behind. As we drove to the coffee shop, he kept glancing at me with worry clearly evident in his eyes. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to worry, that I was fine, but I couldn’t lie to him like I could lie to America. Even though I was good at lying to the entire country, I was not able to lie to my cousin. It just wasn’t possible.

As we settled onto a couch in the coffee shop, I told him everything. I left nothing out because I really needed to figure things out and Frankie and Nathanial had no other ways to help. I was losing my mind and I desperately needed to gain some kind of hold, something that could bring me out of the mess I had created all around me.

Just as Mr. Haner had done, Anthony stared at me for a while after I was done telling him everything that had gone on. For at least five minutes after I finished, he said nothing but it looked like he couldn’t really do anything at all. I knew what he was thinking and I knew that he was about to blame himself in some way, shape, or form.

“I was at the New Years Eve party,” he stated slowly, trying to wrap his head around the idea. “I was there and you brought my girlfriend back; I was with her. But you were…and they could have…but you didn’t even…oh, man.” I had never seen Anthony at such a loss for words. “But how did you keep it together so well after it happened? I saw you after the countdown and you seemed fine. But then you left and you…Onyx Felicity you tried to kill yourself?!” Anthony’s face was absolutely livid, he looked like he could have killed me at that moment and I was honestly scared of him for the first time in my life.

“Please don’t hate me for it,” I whispered pathetically. “I know that you will never know why I did it and you will never be able to understand since you’re so much stronger than me, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“There is always another option Onyx, there is no excuse for something like that.” The harsh tone of his words stung like no blow to the face ever could. “I will never hate you, but what would have happened if you went through with it, huh? Where do you think I would be if something like that had happened to you Onyx? You can’t just stop everything like that, especially without considering everyone else it would affect.”

“I didn’t…I wasn’t thinking straight and I just wanted the pain to go away. I didn’t want to die Anthony, you have to understand that. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore and it was a rash decision. But Hayden talked me out of it.”

“He talked you out of it and then he broke up with you. That’s really nice, Onyx; that is a true boyfriend right there.” However I told the story, he refused to see that Hayden breaking up with me was my fault and it frustrated me.

“Anthony, you know that it was my fault. I told you what I said when he came in and heard it. It was absolutely my fault.”

“No Onyx, it was not your fault regardless of what you said. I know that you were thinking that it may have been better to break up with him but I know you and I know that you would not have done it. I could see that you loved him and I know that you would have found a way to make everything work out. You told me what you said when he came in, but you also told me what you said when he was trying to break it off and I can tell you this much: someone who would have broken up with him would not have said that. You were trying to keep him Onyx.”

Anthony went on to further make his point that I was not the one at fault, but I was not listening anymore. I was watching in horror as two people came walking through the door of the coffee shop. There was no way that was really what I thought it was, there was just no way. I stared at them, but I knew what I was seeing and it killed me; it absolutely killed me and I could do nothing about it.