Not Exactly What it Seems

I'm not sure I can ever be the same without her because she was such a huge part of me, even if it was only for a little while, but maybe that's a good thing. We seemed perfect for each other, but we would never be able to be together because it just wasn't meant to be. I would always love her, but I cannot handle everything that came with it. Maybe that seems selfish of me, but I wanted to be able to handle my girl's problems.

Nathanial didn’t know about what happened on New Year’s Eve and I planned on keeping it that way. We were at a good point in our friendship again and I didn’t want something like that to make him think he needed to fix me anymore. He had been trying to do that ever since we broke up and I was tired of being his charity case so if I didn’t tell him any of my troubles then we would be okay. Yeah, he knew some stuff was still bugging me, but he also knew that if I wanted to talk, I would find him and that he didn’t have to pester me about it. Hopefully he would keep with that attitude.

School was actually getting a bit better; it got to the point where Hayden could at least look at me which was a nice change. He still would not talk to me, but I was okay with that. We would never be able to have the same relationship and I knew that so I was moving on and enjoying my life in whatever way I could find.

Nathanial was making Felicity bearable and I was still having fun with dance while Emery helped me with the fun as Onyx. Maybe I didn’t want to be two people and have two completely different personalities, but at the moment I was content with the way things were working out.

Emery seemed to understand where I was coming from, even though he was still oblivious to the fact that I was Felicity. He made me see that there was nothing wrong with doing completely different things as long as I was happy. Even though he didn’t know that my two completely different things were different people, he was still able to understand things.

“So I know that you probably don’t want to let me in on this little secret you’ve got going,” Emery started one say while we were boarding, “but would you at least give me a hint?”

I looked at him for a long time, wondering how I was so transparent to him. Why was it that I could lie to an entire country, but I wasn’t able to lie to the people I was close to?

“How do you know I have a secret?” was all I could think to say. I didn’t really want to tell him that I was some famous prep, but maybe he deserved to know.

“Well, you’ve been very evasive when I ask about what your life was like before Hayden started changing you. I figured there was a reason for it. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t care what you were or what you did; I’m just curious as to why it’s a big secret.”

“Umm, do you promise not to freak out if I tell you?” I was really worried what his reaction would be and I didn’t want to lose yet another friendship.

Emery definitely looked at me strangely for that request, but he didn’t look disapproving, just very curious. “Onyx, what did you do- or do you do? You aren’t like a criminal or anything are you?”

I laughed at the question, wondering how I made it seem that sketchy. “No it’s nothing like that, I promise.” He looked at me, waiting for me to reveal my secret, waiting for the truth that I really did not want to release. “So have you heard of Felicity Devearaux?”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah, she’s the kid of that super famous couple. I’m not sure there’s anyone who doesn’t know about her. But what does she have to do with this?”

I sighed, looking anywhere but his face. “Well, see, the thing is that I am actually Felicity. Well, my name is Onyx Felicity Devearaux, but in the public eye, I’m known as Felicity. That super famous couple is my mom and dad and basically, I live a double life.”

As I waited for his reaction, I became anxious as he said nothing. For a while, all he did was stare at me until finally, he started laughing hysterically. Honestly, that was pretty much the last thing I expected him to do. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not, but I wasn’t sure if I should ask him.

“Everything makes so much sense now,” he said through his laughter. “All the times you’ve had to leave in such a rush, and all the times you’ve gone on about your two completely different things. Seriously, I never would have thought that, but it all makes sense. And Hayden resented you for that? He resented you for who you are?”

“No, he didn’t resent me for it, Emery. He just thought that it all became too much when I was trying to juggle both lives. We thought it would be better if I gave up Felicity, but I was having trouble figuring out how to do that and things got way too complicated.”

“So he left? Seriously Ny, that is not the best thing for a boyfriend to do if you ask me. First of all, if I was your boyfriend, I would never make you give up half of your life just so that you could spend more time with me. How selfish is that? Second, I would have been there to support you if there was too much complication, not leave because I couldn’t handle it. Really Onyx, where did you find this guy? He sounds like a real winner.” The sarcasm in his voice made me mad, but at the same time, it made me think hard about the decisions that I made with Hayden.

“So you think it was all because of him that I wanted to stop being Felicity? Emery, that really wasn’t the way it went. I was becoming annoyed with that life and I wanted a way out- Hayden just helped me to realize that it wasn’t fair of my parents to make me conform to that life. I mean yeah, he wanted to spend more time with me, but that wasn’t why I decided to stop being Felicity.”

“Whatever you say Onyx, but I don’t think you should give up half of yourself just because you got bored. Yeah, it was probably hard to do sometimes, but why would you want to completely give it up. I bet you would have missed it. I bet the more you thought about it, you knew you didn’t really want to give it up and that was why things were so complicated.”

How is it that he knew me so well? He was able to get under my skin and know my thoughts, even when Hayden wasn’t able to decipher them. I wasn’t able to give up being Felicity because it was too much of who I was and who I always would be no matter what I did. There was no escaping that part of my life so I didn’t really want to try anymore. Hayden didn’t want to hear that, but then again, I didn’t want to let him down like that so I didn’t really want to let him know.

“You didn’t know how to tell him you wanted to keep Felicity, that you would always have to be both people because it was exciting and it made you feel like you were worth something. You couldn’t figure out how to break the news to him so you just didn’t. You made things more complicated than they had to be.”

“It’s not that I made them more complicated. It was just that I tried so hard to stop for a while and things were so messed up- I was always fighting with my parents and things were not going well at all, so I wanted to let it go and be both people. I just didn’t know what I was supposed to tell Hayden.”

“He should have known what you wanted. If you two were so in love like you said you were, Hayden should have been able to see that you needed both sides of your life in order to be okay. But he didn’t listen, he didn’t read between the lines. I would have read between the lines and known that you needed more than just me. Did he really expect that for a girl that has had so much all her life, he would really suddenly be all she needed?”

That last comment got me really mad. He was saying that I was spoiled and that I needed to get attention from everyone to be happy. “Now wait just a minute, Emery. I don’t think it’s fair for you to assume that I need so much to be happy. I just needed to have the lives that I always lived.”

“Oh Ny, I didn’t mean to suggest that you were spoiled and selfish, just that he should have realized that you wouldn’t be content being one person.” He looked slightly horrified that I was so mad at him and that I had misinterpreted his meaning. Why did he know so much? I could not wrap my mind around it at all.

“Why are you able to understand?” I asked pathetically. I really wanted to know how he could understand but no one else seemed to be able to get me.

“What if I told you that I just want you to be happy? That, no matter what you want to do, I will always support it? Would that make you glad or uncomfortable?” He looked so earnest and bashful that I just wanted to pull him into a hug and ask him on a date.

Wow, I’ve never thought that before. I looked at him, right in the eyes, and realized that I really did want to ask him out. And I wondered whether that last statement was meant as an invitation to do so or merely meant as a friend wanting me to be happy. Could we be happy together and stay together for me than a few weeks? Would it work if he accepted my double life? Would he be happy with me?

I needed to know that last answer more than any other, so in a rather timid voice, I asked him. “Could you see yourself being happy with me?”

The smile on his face brought one to mine as he engulfed me in a hug. Maybe things would never go smoothly and my life would always be hectic and crazy, but I hoped that he would be okay with that. Maybe I would never be normal, but who wants to be normal anyway? I decided that I liked my life the way it was, even if my parents expected me to conform to society. I could always hide away with Emery because he would always know what I needed, even though no one else would.

So Hayden didn’t really work out, even though I definitely did love him. I dove in, not ready for the consequences, but that was okay. I needed to find my wings before I could fly and he at least knew how to help with that. Maybe he wasn’t my prince charming, but I knew that someone like Nathanial wasn’t either.

I guess, in reality, my prince didn’t ride a big horse or wear shining armor. Instead, I knew that I could always find my prince and my savior right there in the skatepark.

My prince charming could read my soul while riding a skateboard. And you know what? He never even missed a step.