Mad as a Hatter, Thin as a Dime

“Ry? Ry? Ryan?”

“Hmm, what?”

“Dude, calm down a bit.”

Ryan bit his lip as he collapsed into a small mustard-colored armchair, facing Vesper where she was perched on a small hotel bed, scribbling away in a notebook. He loudly let out a breath, and she rolled her eyes as she grinned up at him.

“Sorry Ves,” he started to apologize. “I’m just nervous.”

“Oh I know,” she laughed a little as she looked back down and continued whatever she was doing. There was only about a minute of silence before Ryan interrupted it again.

“You’re sure I look okay?”

“Yes, Ry, you look fine,” Vesper reassured him, exasperated. “And even if you didn’t, you still have two hours.”

“Right. I know. I’m just being prepared, unlike you, miss last minute. And now I think I’m going to go and get changed.”

“Again,” she muttered under her breath, letting his teasing slide as she quickly jotted down a few things she didn’t want to forget.

It had been a week since Ryan’s birthday, a week of touring and amazing shows and microwave meals. The two bands were thankful to score another night at a hotel instead of on the messy buses. Spencer had briefly mentioned something to Vesper about another band possibly joining them for a month on the tour, but nothing was decided and she hadn’t heard anything else about it yet. And now, Vesper and Ryan were chilling in a cosy hotel room while he fussed over what to wear that night, when he and Kyra were going to go and see a movie.

It hadn’t entirely been intentional, this planning. Ryan never set out to ask Kyra on a date, nor did she do the same. They’d been hanging out, just talking, and someone mentioned a movie they’d both wanted to see. Originally, Jon and Benji were going to go with them, but Jon was suffering from headaches and Benji made up some excuse so he didn’t have to be the third wheel. That left Ryan and Vesper going to the cinema alone, and no matter how many times they told their friends that it wasn’t a date, they both knew that it wasn’t entirely going to be a relaxed, friendly night.

Over that week, Vesper had gotten gradually more and more touchy. She apologized over and over, blaming it on lady troubles and the time of the month. Yet at the same time, she was kind of worrying herself. Sure, she had mood swings, but she didn’t usually get this aggressive. Every time someone interrupted her, or more than one person tried to speak to her at once, she had to restrain from ripping their heads off and settled for the quieter, icy approach that suited her shy personality better; she’d glare at the floor and walk off. Kyra and Ryan were really the only ones to really notice, but they kept their mouths shut. The others just tried to avoid her when she got into a bitter mood.

Ten minutes later, Vesper capped her pen and stowed her notebook under her pillow, for lack of a more original place to put it. Just as she leaned back into her previous, cross-legged position atop the rather unattractive green bedspread, Ryan emerged from the small bathroom in fresh new clothes and the gentle aroma of vanilla and man he exuded. Vesper could smell him before she looked up and saw him, but when she did she had to hold down a gulp as her eyes widened and her heart hammered twice against her ribcage.

Ryan was dressed in black skinny jeans, hugging his legs and accentuating his nicely defined hipbones as he leaned over to check his reflection in the mirror hanging over a small chest of drawers. A cream-colored dress shirt casually adorned his chest, the top two buttons undone to give his attire a more laid-back look. A navy blue blazer was tossed over his shoulders for warmth, thankfully not so perfectly cut that it would have seemed ridiculous. There was a little eyeliner surrounding his eyes but nothing fancy; still only a look that a rockstar could have gotten away with. His hair was fixed into the perfectly messy ‘ryhawk’ (as Brendon liked to call it) that only Ryan could master, and just the lightest, vaguest hint of stubble on his chin and cheeks enforced his masculinity.

Vesper’s eyes flicked down as he turned to face her, terrified for the feelings she’d just experienced, so quickly and briefly. If Ryan noticed that her face had turned pink, he paid it no mind.

“Ves? How do I look?” he questioned nervously. “Okay?”

Vesper’s jaw shook a little and her eyes began to water. She took a dry gulp of air in a vain attempt to soothe her stinging throat.

“Ves?”

“Uh, yeah,” she coughed, shifting but still avoiding eye contact. “You look great. Really.”

“You’re sure? What about shoes?”

Vesper had tuned it out again, her mind still focusing on the horrifying realization that she’d so regretfully stumbled upon. She didn’t even know quite how out of it she was until Ryan was waving a hand in front of her vacant eyes.

“Ves? Are you okay?”

She was snapped out of her trance and returned to grasp the situation at hand. He was so close to her; she could smell… no, she could inhale his sweet scent, and as much as it made her mouth melt it also made her want to throw up. She gasped harshly and jerked away from him, fear evident in her eyes.

“Vesper?”

“I-I’m fine,” she stuttered. “I just… I need to go to the bathroom.”

Quick as lightening, she jumped up from her perch on the bed and dashed to the small bathroom, slamming and bolting the door behind her. She could hear Ryan repeating her name on the other side of the door, his confusion obvious. She couldn’t bring herself to respond. Instead, she fell back against the door as tears began to break free. Slowly, she slid down the door to the floor and broke into harsh sobs, ignoring Ryan’s knocking on the other side. She cried as quietly as she could, refusing a single distressed sound to escape her lips, curling up into a bundle on the cold, tiled bathroom floor.

How could this be? How could she like Ryan? As in, like like him. Was that why they had clicked so well? Because she’d had an undiscovered attraction for him? That was so cruel and unjust. She didn’t know what love was, and she wasn’t so hasty as to assume that was what this was. But she was attracted to Ryan, and she liked him a lot more than she should.

He was her closest friend, and he was in love with her sister.

Of all the guys in the world, why did she have to cry over this one?

***

Half an hour later, Ryan leapt to his feet as the bathroom door slowly began to open. He snapped his cell phone shut, with no explanation to Spencer who had been counseling him on the other end of the line. Vesper walked out slowly, and Ryan rushed over to her, holding her arms for but a second before she jerked out of his grasp. She looked pale, even more so than usual, almost white. Her eyes were slightly watery and a tiny bit puffy. She didn’t look well.

“Ves, what’s wrong?” Ryan pleaded, leaning down just a fraction to her height.

“Nothing,” she croaked out after a couple of failed attempts. “Sorry, I just wasn’t feeling very well. I’m a bit better now.”

His soft brown eyes surveyed her, trying to detect any hint of untruth. He didn’t entirely believe her, but he knew Vesper well enough not to question her right now.

“You’re sure?” he whispered, starting a step towards her before she darted out of the way and back to her previous place on the bad.

“Yeah,” she coughed out before looking up at him with drier eyes and a smile that he couldn’t tell was real or not. “So, you ready for tonight?”

A frown settled on his brow and his lips pursed, but he didn’t make any further inquiries of the girl in front of him. She would tell him if she wanted him to know.

“I think so,” he answered, slowly reclaiming his ugly mustard-colored seat. “I know I shouldn’t be so nervous. It’s not even technically a date.”

“Exactly,” Vesper nodded, once again focusing only on the bed beneath her. “It’ll be fine, I promise.”

Ryan took a deep breath and exhaled as he nodded.

“It’s alright to be a bit nervous,” she continued. Whatever had just happened, he was her friend and she was going to help him through this. “You’re… you’re in love with her. You’ve been in love with her for months now, since before you even met her. Considering that, it’s perfectly normal to be anxious.”

Was she taking it too far? Did it seem like she was trying to convince herself? Could Ryan tell?

“Thanks Ves. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

She smiled a bit, but didn’t say anything. Of course he didn’t know. Now she was just being paranoid. This was ridiculous.

“I have a question, though,” she said after a few minutes. “You did, you loved her before you even met her. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s my sister and I completely understand why you would love her, but how did you know? Before you met her, I mean. How could you love someone you never met?”

Ryan looked up, and Vesper was watching him for the first time since she had come out from the bathroom, with genuine curiosity in her eyes. He licked his lips slowly as his mind began to form his answer.

“Well, I didn’t know I was in love with her before I met her. I only realized after I met her. But I don’t know… I love her because she’s sweet and kind, and just a little flirty… She has a pretty voice… She’s beautiful… But most of all, I think I fell for her mind. She puts everything she has into her lyrics, they’re so abstract and complex, but at the same time they can be so simple. That’s how I love her, and everything else just seals the deal.”

Vesper nodded, but stayed quiet. She needed a few moments to figure out what to say. Ryan watched her, waiting for a reaction. Eventually, she looked up again and smiled at him.

“She’ll love you back. One day, she will. I know she will. I’m sure of it.”

Ryan smiled at his friend, biting his lip to stop the silly grin from widening to ridiculous proportions. Unable to help himself, fuelled by this feeling of hope she had just given him, Ryan leaned over to wrap his arms around Vesper in a thankful hug. She didn’t quite jerk away this time, but he did feel her tense up. He knew something was wrong. Vesper never acted like this. Not around him, anyway.

“Come on,” Vesper said, standing up when he’d released his hold on her. “I think the others said they were going to meet in the lobby and get some late lunch. You and Kyra will probably go straight from that.”

Ryan bit his lip and nodded, standing to follow Vesper as she headed for the door. He caught up to her and began to open the door, but she closed it again and looked up at him.

“Ry, can you do something for me?”

“Anything.”

He’d said it without a second thought.

“When Kyra does love you back, let me know how it feels?”

Ryan looked down at the delicate girl in front of him and a wave of some emotion washed over him. It was protectiveness; he never wanted to see Vesper as broken as she seemed now. Curiosity, too; he had no idea what had brought on her rapid change in attitude. It was her worst mood swing all week. He couldn’t describe this emotion, let alone all its components, and he didn’t even know if there was a name for it. All he knew was this was his best friend and right now he’d give anything not to see her in such a vulnerable state.

He nodded at her promisingly, and quickly brought another arm around her shoulders. He hoped she wouldn’t tense again.

But she did.