Mad as a Hatter, Thin as a Dime

“How could you make that poor pool a murderer
When it’s seen so many smiles?
Water fights, summer nights,
And more than just words exchanged between best friends forever…
Are you trying to be symbolic?
Artful in your downfall?
Ending everything where clandestine kisses and complications began…
Well I’ll not be the judge of that.
I refuse to give conviction.”

Ryan stared star-struck at the energetic red-head on stage. Brendon did too, so he didn’t look too creepy, watching her from the wings. Kyra had such a lovely smile. Her straight white teeth shone as she grinned at moshing fans, singing along with her as she began the chorus.

“‘Just wait for the hype to die,
A chance to say your last goodnight,
And slip away unnoticed in the dark.
Just stay until it all dies down,
One more dance for you to be found,
Before following trends, attaching weights to your wrists,
And throwing yourself in the deep end…’”

Ryan was mouthing the words along with her too, familiar with the lyrics from listening to Feign Eloquence’s new album so many times. This song was weird. He couldn’t figure out what exactly it was about. It told some kind of story, but it was strange and abstract and he was still trying to figure out exactly what it was saying.

“Hey.”

Ryan tore his eyes away from Kyra as Vesper came up behind him. He smiled at her and she smiled back, biting into a glossy red apple. Her hair was dark and wet, pulled back into a high ponytail. Her face was fresh and eyeliner cleanly applied. Once again, he assumed she’d just gotten out of the shower.

“Did you have a good trip?” he asked her. “I didn’t see you earlier at soundcheck.”

“Sorry. I was sleeping. This whole touring thing is going to take some getting used to.”

He chuckled.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be habit before you know it.”

She simply nodded, taking another bite out of her apple. They both turned back to watch Feign Eloquence on the stage again.

“Don’t you dare try to blame him.
What, did you think that your relationship would be flawless?
Get your head out of the clouds…
Well, you can’t anymore.
I still can’t believe that you killed yourself for his attention.
What are you, five?
But that was your mistake, my dear,
And now you’re not here.
There’s nothing you can possibly do,
To stop me kissing him and helping him get over you.
What, will you slap me with your ghost hand?
Oh yeah, honey, real classy…”

“What an odd song…” Ryan mused.

“Hmm?” Vesper asked, tossing her half-eaten apple in the bin.

“This song. It’s very… I don’t know. It’s obviously trying to convey something, and rhyme isn’t a first priority issue…”

“What’s confusing about it?” she asked conversationally. “It’s about a melodramatic girl who committed suicide because of dramas with her best friend-turned-boyfriend from the perspective of another girl who secretly loved him more all along.”

Ryan had a frown of concentration on his face, trying to piece together his next words.

“I figured that much out, but that’s an extraordinarily histrionic situation. What’s the essential meaning underneath all that?”

“Well maybe it’s just the idea that love…”

Vesper was cut off by her phone ringing in the pocket of her blue skinny jeans.

“Sorry,” she mumbled to him, sliding the small silver gadget open and answering it. Although Ryan watched Kyra, he could still hear everything that Vesper was saying.

“Hello? Mom, hi!”

Vesper blocked her other ear with her finger. The side of a stadium stage while a band was playing wasn’t the ideal place for catching up with family chat.

“I’m okay. How… oh. Yeah, of course. Um, she can’t come to the phone right now. She’s onstage. Don’t worry, she’s doing just fine. I know. Of course I’ll get her to call you back. Okay. Love you mom… bye.”

She hung up with an inaudible sigh and turned back to the stage to watch her sister singing with everything she had. Ryan didn’t say anything about her half of the conversation that he’d just eavesdropped on. It wasn’t difficult to piece together the other half. Instead, he put his arm around her shoulder in a friendly gesture, hoping to get her mind off it. He couldn’t tell whether it bothered her at all, but he was going to try anyway.

“What were you going to say?” he asked. “About the song?”

“Oh right,” she mumbled. “Uh, well I don’t know, but maybe it’s about the concept that everyone views love differently and that the way you look at it or feel it changes what it is altogether. The girl who killed herself, hypothetically of course, wasn’t sure how she loved the guy, switching from friendly love to romantic love. The narrator girl kept her love for the boy a secret because she knew it had the potential to destroy everything, and because she knew he was happy with the other girl. The boy, I suppose, was confused about everything and oblivious to just how much power he held over the two.”

Ryan blinked.

“You’ve really thought this through, haven’t you?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “It’s just a theory. These people are theoretical; they don’t even exist.”

He sighed.

“I wish I could just ask her.”

Vesper’s head snapped up, a secretive gleam in her eyes.

“You can! Now you have something to speak to her about. You can’t come up with any more excuses not to talk to her.”

Ryan didn’t answer immediately, instead staring out at the stage as Kyra finished up the song.

“Oh, but this has nothing to do with me.
It’s all in your head.
Isn’t that what he said?
Isn’t that what started it all?”

Kyra grinned to the crowd, Benji repeating the phrase ‘Deep end…’ as the song faded out. She quickly jogged over to the side of the stage, a sheen of sweat upon her brow from the stage lights beating down upon her. Vesper quickly handed her a bottle of water, which she took a swig from with a thankful smile before screwing the cap back on the bottle and handing it back.

“Thanks Ves, thanks Ryan,” she breathed heavily, giving them both a quick hug before returning back to the stage.

Vesper smirked a little at Ryan, who was pretty much frozen to the spot and still in a daze after Kyra’s hug.

“I… I can’t,” he said, referring to their conversation from a minute ago. “Not yet. It’s only the second day of tour. I’ve got four months.”

Vesper sighed an exaggerated sigh.

“Fine. I just don’t want to see you unhappy if you miss your chance.”

Ryan swallowed and nodded, looking at Vesper.

“Thanks Ves.”

“No problem,” she smiled, pulling her oversized gray and red hoodie over her head to instead reveal a black singlet top.

“No, really,” he insisted. “I know we barely know each other, but I feel like I’ve known you for a lot longer than I have.”

“Ditto. Now, do you know how much time we’ll have at tomorrow’s venue? We need to come up with cunning plans to make Kyra fall in love with you.”

“Uh, not much I don’t think,” he replied, blushing a little. “It’s a fairly long journey. Do you want to come on our bus?”

“Won’t the others hear everything we say?” she questioned, raising an eyebrow.

He chuckled a little.

“No. Our bus is quite extravagant compared to yours.”

She rolled her eyes, smiling.

“Show off,” she muttered. “And it’s Feign’s bus, not mine. But yeah, if you want me to.”

“Cool. I don’t think we’re stopping for breakfast tomorrow, though, so you might have to stay the night. We’ve got spare bunks, don’t worry,” he added to soften the alarm on her face.

“Oh. Uh, okay then. I’ll go and grab some stuff while you’re onstage.”

“Okay.”

“You’re sure the others won’t mind?” she asked worriedly.

“Positive,” he chuckled.

They watched the rest of Feign’s performance quietly, in awe of the band performing in front of them.

***

“I need a drink,” Kyra mumbled when she came offstage, causing Vesper, Brendon, Ryan and some of the crew who heard her to laugh.

She grinned impishly before opening and drinking a sweating bottle of beer that was clearly labeled ‘Jon’, much to the amusement of everyone but him.

“Good luck guys,” she said as Panic! began to get ready to go onstage.

“Good luck Ryan,” Vesper said, as he was the only one who could have heard her as Kyra whisked her away and out into the cool night air.

“So,” Kyra started. “You and Ryan looked pretty chummy on the side of the stage…”

She raised her eyebrows suggestively, but Vesper just wrinkled her nose and shook her head.

“Ew. Don’t even go there. That’s weird. We’re just friends. And as just friends, I’m going to stay on Panic!’s bus tonight.

Kyra, surprisingly, seemed to accept that Vesper and Ryan were just friends, nodding.

“Lucky bitch. You get to stay on the good bus.”

Vesper smirked playfully.

“That’s what you get when you make friends with the guitarist.”