Free.

Brendon keeps his eyes locked on the clock on the wall opposite him, watching the second hand tick away as moments of his life pass him by. Twenty-three minutes until another year is over. He almost can’t believe it; how fast time can fly. Five years ago exactly, he was a freshman in college, back home for winter break, at a party with all of his old high school friends that he hadn’t seen in ages. That night at midnight, after a few too many Smirnoff Ices, he’d kissed the boy that he’d been infatuated with since his junior year of high school.

Five years later, and he’s sitting in his parents’ living room alone, watching boring New Years Eve specials on television. Both of his parents are in bed -- they’d lost the thrill of welcoming a new year long ago and didn’t need to see another ball drop signifying another new year. But being alone in his parents’ living room was better than being alone in his own apartment.

The boy’s name was Ryan, and Brendon fell for him hard. It seemed as though Ryan had fallen for Brendon, too. He was a complicated boy, but Brendon loved him.

He watches the countdown on the television screen go into single digits and he hits the mute button just as the words ‘Happy New Year!’ flash across the screen in big, bright letters. His cell phone buzzes beside him and he grabs it, flipping it open.

“Happy Nwe Yarrs! Cheere uip. I lovbee yuo,, manmm! -- Jon.”

Brendon smiles, hitting the ‘reply’ button.

“I think you should probably lay off the champagne now. I love you, too. -- Brendon.”

He drops his phone back down onto the couch’s cushion, pulling his knees up to his chest, and as much as he doesn’t want it to, his mind wanders back to that New Year’s Eve five years ago. And everything after that.

Brendon moved back to school only a few days after that first kiss with Ryan. Despite the fact that they were separated by two hundred miles, they stayed in touch. Brendon vividly remembers the cold evening towards the end of January when Ryan sent him an IM, asking him for directions to his place, telling him that he was coming over. He drove two hundred miles in the snow that night and ended up at Brendon’s door close to midnight. He had class the next morning, but he didn’t mind. They stayed up late and ended up falling asleep together in Brendon’s bed.

He knew that Ryan was high the first time he’d ever told him that he loved him. He knew because he’d watched him smoke up right in front of him hardly twenty minutes beforehand. Ryan insisted that he really meant it, though; that it wasn’t just the weed talking. And Brendon believed him.

His phone buzzes again, and when he looks at the new message, it’s from another of his best friends.

“Happy 09! Call if you need anything today, you know I’ll drop everything for you :) -- Spencer.”

Brendon appreciates how supportive his friends are. None of them ever expected Ryan to leave the way that he did, and they knew that Brendon was absolutely heartbroken. Their main goal became helping him to get through it.

He remembers when he told his parents about his relationship with Ryan. His mother cried and his father was disappointed, but they both eventually got over it and practically welcomed Ryan into their family.

Two years after they’d started seeing each other, they moved in together. Brendon was a junior in college and Ryan was a college dropout. Their apartment was small and homey and perfect. The first few months were pure bliss.

Brendon remembers the first time he found the little baggie of white powder, hidden away on Ryan’s side of the top drawer of their shared dresser. He didn’t say anything at first, but he kept track of how fast it disappeared, and when a new baggie replaced it, he finally demanded to know what was going on.

He wishes he could forget how angry he got. The fury in his eyes scared him, and for the first time in his life, he thought that Ryan, the love of his life, was going to hurt him. He didn’t, though. Instead, he broke down in tears, begging Brendon to forgive him. He admitted that he couldn’t stop, no matter how badly he wanted to. He was addicted.

Brendon wishes that he could stop thinking about it; stop remembering Ryan past that point. He wishes that he could just stop his memory where it is. But it’s one in the morning on New Year’s Day and he knows that it’s impossible to not move forward in his memories.

He’d tried to help him. He wanted so badly for him to get better, get back to normal. But he knew that he wasn’t even trying. Ryan’s nose was constantly red and running his eyes were constantly dilated, he was constantly strung out and Brendon knew why.

It was a little more than a year after they had moved in together when it happened. When Brendon came home from class to find Ryan dead.

He was laying in their bed and at first, Brendon thought that he was just sleeping. But he wasn’t breathing and his skin had already grown cold. He was sure that it had been an accident. He was sure that Ryan, his Ryan, hadn’t taken his own life. But then he found the letter. And he still remembers every word.

“Brendon. The only one I’ve ever loved. I don’t deserve you and I never have. I’ve been the selfish one all throughout our past few years together, and today is no different. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m sorry that you’re going to be the one to find me and I’m sorry that I’m leaving you with this mess that I’ve made of both of our lives. This has nothing to do with you, I promise. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. If you hadn’t kissed me that first time at the New Year’s Eve party, I would have done this that night. I had it all planned out, but because of you, I was able to live three more incredible years. But I can’t do it anymore. My life is no longer mine. It’s controlled by this monster that I just can’t defeat no matter how hard I try. This is me setting not only myself free, but you as well. We were canaries trapped in a coal mine; we broke free and I broke my wings, but now you can fly away. I will always love you. -- Ryan.”

Brendon wipes at his wet eyes, feeling as though his heart is breaking all over again, just thinking about how much it hurt him the first time. It’s his second New Year’s Eve without Ryan and it’s just as hard as it was the year before.

“Are you still awake, honey?”

Brendon glances towards his mother, standing in the doorway of the living room and just nods. She sees that he’s crying, though, and steps farther into the living room, sitting down on the couch, next to her son.

“Oh, baby,” she says soothingly, opening her arms, letting Brendon fall against her; a twenty-three year old man crying against his mother.

“I miss him so much, Mom,” he mumbles into her nightshirt.

“I miss him, too, baby,” she whispers, rubbing her hand in small, calming circles against his back. “I know how much you loved him.”

“Why couldn’t he have just stopped using?” he cries.

“I don’t think it was that easy for him, honey.”

“He could have tried! He didn’t even try! He should have tried. For me….”

“I’m so sorry, baby.”

Brendon doesn’t reply, just sobs onto his mom’s shoulder, clutching onto her, seeking and needing her comfort.

He never wanted to be set free. He could have died in that coal mine and he wouldn’t have minded. As long as they both had their wings. That was all that ever mattered to him. He never wanted to be a lone canary, set free, but flying without purpose. His purpose was left at the bottom of the coal mine; the complicated but loving canary, his wings broken and shattered the same way that he had left Brendon’s heart the day he decided to set him free.