Seeming to Go Nowhere

Josh almost dropped the pizzas three times on the way home.It was nerve-wrecking and hilarious. After opening the doors and almost being pummeled for food, I found my comfy chair and sat in it, quickly joined by Mason laying his head on my lap. The boys were enjoying themselves, just like when I left them before hand. I closed my eyes and breathed in happily. It was exciting to have company over. I scratched Masons head and leaned my head back.

"Hey, I got you a piece before it was all gone," Ben muttered out of the corner of my ear.

I opened my eyes and took it gratefully from him, "Thanks, Ben."

We ate and watched the TV along with everyone else. The pizzas were gone within half an hour. Thankfully, I don't eat too much in the first place so I wasn't mad that I only got two slices. Brendon suggested that since it was nice out, that we have a bonfire. The boys were up for it. I pulled out marshmallows and metal prongs for the fire; a ritual for every fire we've made since I was thirteen. I don't know why, but we do it, even if we're not hungry. Ben and PJ went back in the house to get their acoustic guitars. Apparently, they don't leave anywhere without them. The fire was just get its first licks when Ben and PJ started playing a few tunes. They started off with a song that sounded like it needed some amps to make the music sound right. But oh, did the words drip meaning for me.

I'll find a cave for you
For you to run to
Nothing can break through stone
You'll sleep through winter
You'll never feel the cold
The years will be all warm
You'll bury yourself
When you've had enough
and the world will think
that you've just run off
but I'll always know
how you chose to go
inside your stone world
Where winter is broken

If I could build for you
a magic retreat from
seasons that break your bones
Trust me I'd live to
you'll never feel the cold
the years will be all warm

trust me I
would build for you
a world for you
trust me I
would build for you
a world for you
You'll never feel the cold
The years will be all warm

You'll bury yourself
When you've had enough
and the world will think
that you've just run off
but I'll always know
how you chose to go
inside your stone world
Where winter is broken

Ben didn't take his eyes off me save for a few times to close them. He was concentrating on the song like a professional, but thinking, pondering.... I kept my looks thoughtful; as I was wondering what he could possibly be thinking. What is going on inside his brain? They kept playing songs here and there, not all of them done by their band. PJ would break off into a random song like, "Mary Had a Little Lamb" or "Go Tell It On the Mountain," just to get us laughing over the campfire. We toasted marshmallows like crazy. Anthony kept burning his so he left me in charge of pulling them out in time. Ben and Josh were playing paper, scissors, rock, and Brendon was just sitting next to me on one of the stumps we placed near the fire. He looked exhausted.

"I think it's time to call it a night," I announced as Brendon's head started dropping from heavy eyelids, "Brendon's about to keel over into the fire."

"He'll be wide awake then," Randy chuckled as he poked at the flaming ashes.

"Nah, Mom's right, we gotta get to bed," Josh said, tussling my hair with his big hand, "ain't that right?"

"Stop calling me Mom, it's weird. I'm younger than you by at least a good 8 years..." I whined.

"Don't act like one," Josh mimicked my feminine voice.

"Joshua, if you keep talking like a girl, you'll end up sounding like one for the rest of your life," Brendon slurred out of his mouth as he woke up enough to get up. "Party's over, let's all get some sleep. We gotta work on that bus tomorrow."

Josh, Randy, and Brendon started heading in, soon followed by the other boys. I could hear Brendon giving the orders as to who is sleeping where, but Ben and I stayed outside. He was waiting for me, whilst I put the fire out and collected what items I could. He still held his guitar around his slender frame so he played silently as I killed out the rest of the burning ashes. It took me a while, but I soon could understand what song he was playing. A favorite of mine which I knew he didn't know. "Blackbird" by The Beatles; one band that I would forever love even if their story was one that any rocker came along with. He'd just keep playing the tune over and over while I hummed and brought the items back into the kitchen. He stayed outside and kept playing, to make sure he didn't wake up the already zonked out crew indoors. I walked back out to see him sitting on the stairs of the back porch, gazing up at the vast sky above us.

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night," I sang to get his attention. He didn't even notice I was outside.

"You keep catching me off guard, you know that?" he gasped.

"I'll prolly keep doin' so 'til you leave, I 'spose," I seated myself next to him as he stopped strumming away.

"I don't really feel like leaving though," Ben looked back up and started strumming a different rhythm I never heard, "It's like living in another world; another place that isn't over-crowded with worries of being something."

I wryly smiled at his comment, "I think that's the problem with this town, Ben. You don't comprehend the lack of compassion and achievement of such to get out of this nowhere land. It's a constant reminder to me that I can't get out of this place. I'm stuck inside a snow globe... minus snow and its magical aurora."

"You could always escape here," he countered, "and you can always return."

"So can you, Ben," I answered truthfully, "just waltz in one day, I don't mind it, really. Come back and see me."

"I said I didn't want to leave," he looked towards me, tearing his eyes away from the glitter-sprinkled landscape.

His guitar strumming eventually picked up a little volume to balance his own voice,

"Can I just be something,
Somewhere in your room,
That you won't notice.

Maybe I'll be paper,
Or books thrown on your floor,
Move me when you want to.

I'll live where you put me,
In your VCR,
If I become a cassette.

Or on top of your computer,
If that's where I would fit,
Then so be it.

But things can't be perfect,
All the time, that I know.
Sometimes we just have to let some things go.

I will not say one word,
I'll just hang around,
I won't annoy you at all.

When you move out I'll stay,
Until I'm thrown away,
But then it won't matter.

Things can't be perfect,
All the time, that I know.
Sometimes we just have to let some things go.

Because things can't be perfect,
All the time, that I know.
Sometimes we just have to let some things go.

I promise to stop now,
To stop now.
I promise to stop now,
To stop now.

But things can't be perfect,
All the time, that I know.
Sometimes we just have to let some things go.

Things can't be perfect,
All the time, that I know.
Sometimes we just have to let some things go.

Letting go is my life,
I'll be on my way.."

He stopped playing and looked at me. His face was confused, twisted with contemplation and decision. My own was looking back into his complex emotions; still trying to solve what is was between us.

"What is it that makes me think you're staying here for me?" I asked, "Why would you want to?"

"It's hard to come across a girl like you, Jules," he started with his face unchanged, "You light the world on fire around you and don't look back. Yeah, I understand it's weird... I've only known you for one day, but you carry life's problems on your shoulders and it doesn't matter. You still smile and laugh. What do you do with the pressure?"

Questions for Questions- Answers for Answers. I stayed silent as my head started to spin with answers I could throw. It was in turmoil, reeling at why would he think that I wasn't worried and stressed. I'm good at hiding it, that's all I could get out of my mess of a mind. I frowned and shook my head, "I'm no good at this, Benjamin..."

"Maybe if we spent more time figuring each other out, we can see what we exactly want," he hesitantly said.

"Well, narrow your questions down, first. What do you want to know about me?"