Candy-Coated Romance

But my smile isn’t there long cause I get halfway home and my phone goes off, bringing me back down from my high. I answer it without thinking about looking to see who it is.

“Hello?” I ask, pulling a left onto Westwood Drive.

“Hey, babe. How was school?” It’s Amelia. Fuck, it’s Amelia. My head snaps back into reality. Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck.

“It was okay.” That’s all I say. She coughs into the phone hard and I hear her sniffle a little bit. “How are you feeling?” I ask just because I know I should, but honestly, I don’t care right now.

“I’m a wreck. Julie’s little brother has the flu so I think I got it from him. It just hit me so hard and so fast. I haven’t been able to keep any food down today.” She sounds stuffy and you can tell that she feels horrible.

“I’m sorry, Am. Is there anything I can do for you?” I cross my fingers and hope she says ‘no’. No such luck.

“A hug would make me feel so much better, Trace.” My heart sinks.

“Okay. I’ll come over, but I don’t want to stay long cause I don’t want to get sick. Okay?” I don’t want to get sick, plus, I don’t know what I’m going to say to her and I certainly don’t know what I’ll tell her, if I tell her anything at all.

“Thanks baby. I can’t wait to see you. I love you.” Amelia waits for my response.

“Love you, too.” It’s strained but I still say it. I wait to hear her hang up before I flip my phone closed and toss it onto the passenger seat. “Fuck.” I can’t help but to just say it aloud cause it’s such a heavy feeling for me.

I pull into someone’s driveway and reverse back out of it. I head back towards 17th Street, which is where Amelia lives. I can feel myself let up on the gas, driving slowly to avoid ending up at her place any sooner than I had to. I don’t know what I’ll say once I get there. I don’t know what I’ll do once I get there. I don’t know anything about the situation I’m getting myself into here. And that scares me. It scares me really badly.

When it comes time to face the music, I pull up to her curb and cut the engine. I sit for a minute until I see her come to the front door and she softly waves at me. I waves back halfheartedly. I get out of the SUV and walk up to the door. She opens it and I walk in past her. I don’t really look at her. I just walk in and eye the runner in the entrance way. I wait for her to say something.

“Hey babe. I’m so happy you came to see me. I missed you.” She reaches out and grabs my left hand and holds it softly in hers.

“So, how ya feeling, Am?” I ask putting my free hand in my pocket of my jeans. She starts to swing my hand before she pulls me a little bit towards the stair case.

“I’m sick. Like really sick.” She laughs a little bit just because she wants to make a joke out it, but I can’t laugh. She’s still leading me upstairs and towards her room. Any other time, I’d be thrilled by this situation. But today, I still can’t even look up at her. We go into her bedroom and she goes and lies on the bed. “I’m sorry, I’m just so tired. I just want to sit.”

“Don’t apologize. If you’re tired, then you’re tired. It’s part of being sick.” I say, leaning against the wall furthest from the bed. I just stand there, playing with my hands, avoiding looking up. She just lies there, looking at me, burning a hole in my chest.

“What’s wrong, Trace?” She sees right through me.

“Nothing. I guess I’m just tired or something.” I lie, but its better than the truth. “Why do you say that something’s wrong?” I wonder what’s my tell. How does she know?

“You won’t look at me, for starters.” She coughs a little bit before she props herself up on her elbow and looks at me. I look up at her. “Just come sit with me. Please.” She begs with her eyes. I can’t say no to them. I sit on the edge of her bed and she lies back down. “Come on, Trace! I just want to lay with you. It’ll make me feel instantly better.” Her voice cracks a little. Her voice only does that when she’s about to cry. I look at her and her eyes don’t have any tears in them, but they’re a pitiful mixture between of tiredness and patheticness.

“Okay.” It’s all I can say. I work my way to the other side of the bed, and I slip into the shape of her body wrapping my arms around her stomach.

It’s better this way because this way, I don’t have to look at her eyes. I don’t have to face her. She looks so innocent and weak. As odd as it may sound, she looks naïve. She looks like a little child, curled up in her bed, waiting to get better. She doesn’t look like she’d ever be able to take care of herself. That’s my job. I’m supposed to take care of her. I’m supposed to never betray her. I’m not supposed to treat her like this. I don’t need to do shit like this to her. She doesn’t deserve this. I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling of being a low life piece of shit. I don’t want to think about this anymore. I don’t want to think at all. I just want to lie down.

I just lie there, letting my eyes close slowly. I let the calm rush over me, pulling me down off my edge. Then, I let the sleep slowly creep over me allowing me to de-stress. Finally, for the first time all day, I feel as if I can just relax. I let my mind go free and wander. I forget that I’m even here with Amelia. I forget all the problems I have and I just rest. I let my mind take me where ever it wants to go. Somehow, it ends up at Franklin. I don’t want to think about him while I’m here with Amelia, but I can’t stop myself from thinking about him. It’s as if he’s the only thing up in my head right now. I can see him leaning against my SUV smoking. I can see him sitting across from me working on the poster. I can replay his part of the econ project. Mostly I replay the part about us kissing. I replay the feeling of his lips on mine and his smell and his touch and his skin touching mine.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I respond without even thinking. My eyes shoot open. I know I wasn’t thinking about her when I said it back. I was thinking about Frank. I breathe out heavily. Fuck.

“I don’t want you to get sick, babe. Plus my dad will be home soon. I don’t want him to see us sleeping together. He’d kill me faster than this cold has.” She laughs a little bit until it turns into a dry cough.

I get up and crawl to the other side of the bed so I’m facing her. I stand up, but then hunch down so my face is close to hers. She smiles softly, pushing her bangs out of her eyes.

“Get better soon.” I say, only halfheartedly. She nods her head up and down. I quickly kiss her forehead and turn and leave her room. I close the door behind me and then show myself out.

I get into my car and turn on the engine. I pull away from the curb slowly, my eyes starting to burn from the first signs of tears. I hate this feeling. I fucking hate this feeling of not knowing what to do. I hate feeling like such a prick because I’m cheating on Am. But at the same time, am I really an asshole for following my heart? Where am I supposed to draw the line?