Suicide Season

“Just admit it that we’re lost!” Jez shouted after the stomping figure that was ahead of her.

But Oli Sykes ignored Jez and carried on marching through the moor. Being typically male Oli had convinced Jez that walking down a muddy footpath would be a short cut, rather than following the road that they had been walking on for half and hour previous.

But it turned out the footpath wasn’t a shortcut, much to Jez’s fury. The mud was thick and Oli cursed himself silently for not watching more appropriate footwear, his colourful Nike shoes were already disfigured with the brown earth. More over he was wriggling uncomfortable in his tight jeans, but he chose not to complain about this, as it would just prove Jez’s point.

“Oli please would you just stop steam rolling ahead like that, I need a minute!” Jez called out to Oli and he instantly stopped in his march and turned back to look for Jez.

The latter had sunk down on a large flat grey rock and looked up at Oli with rather large and pleading eyes.

“Please Oli?” She almost begged and because Oli had never once in his life been able to ignore anything Jez asked of him, he sank down on the rock next to her.

It was quite for a couple of minutes as Jez intently scraped the mud off her beloved boots with a stick. Oli was wrestling with a thought the size of Goliath in his head, he opened his mouth a couple of times but the words never came out right. But then suddenly the words sprung out in a great rush.

“Are you really happy with him?”

Jez looked up sharply, dropping the small stick which on the ground. Her eyes were wide and something flashed in them, an emotion that Oli couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“What kind of a question is that?” Jez snapped, immediately defensive and a touch of hostility grew in her eyes that were usually so measured and restrained.

“An honest one,” Oli said softly, but with some amusement lining his voice as he caught the look that Jez sent him, as well as her defensive mood.

“Do you honestly think I would be with him now if I wasn’t happy with him. Do two years mean nothing in your books?” Jez snapped, still hostile and angry.

“But he’s so boring Jez!” Oli moaned rather childishly, as if this was a legitimate reason for getting her to break up with Alex.

“Boring? Boring?” Jez screeched. “He’s stable Oli! Stability! You know what that means? For al your rawring, screaming and fashion line that brings you all that money you can’t understand that concept!”

Jez had jumped up from the rock and was stood directly in front of him, practically looking ready to attack him for all it was worth. The anger in the pit of her stomach made its presence known.

She felt ridiculous, shouting at her best friend in the middle of the Yorkshire moors, but she was fed up of always having to give Oli all her thoughts in sugar-coated format. He couldn’t take the blunt truth, or at least not from her.

“So if I lived a lifetime of stability I would have a chance of being with you?” Oli asked carefully as he too pealed himself from the rock, but in a manner that was far more composed and measured than Jez.

“What on earth are you on about? We are friends Oli…” Jez began furiously but before she could even speak another word Oli cut her off.

“Exactly! You’ve always been there for me, that’s got to mean something right?” Oli asked unashamedly desperate.

“That’s what friends are Oli. Friends! People who help each other out and are there for each other! But it’s a two way thing, I always made sure I was there for you to make you realize how little you were there for me.”

The words stung in a way that made the venomous poison from a scorpion appear tame.

Never in a thousand years had a thought in that style crossed his mind; he hadn’t even allowed himself to speculate on the fact that he could actually be a bad friend for Jez.

“What’s that got to mean?” Oli asked, trying to salvage the situation somehow, although he knew that too much had been said already. “I was always there for you…”

Jez’s eyes snapped up quickly as she looked at Oli with a pair of eyes that held both sadness and complete resignation in them.

“Were you? Well where were you when Alex and me were going through the pits? Where were you when I had that eating disorder? Where were you when I was going through a crisis at uni? Oh right yeah… on tour.” Jez spat the last word out and finally it seemed as though her hatred for tour had been explained.

It had always taken the people who meant most to her away.

But Jez was nowhere near finished.

“What do you think all those missed calls were about? All those calls and answer messages that you never answered because you were either high or piss drunk at some stupid party or other. And don’t you dare tell me that you never called back because you didn’t want Alex to get paranoid. He’s always been encouraging me to talk to you; you’re lucky he thinks like that.”

“But Jez he doesn’t feel as strongly about you as I do…” Oli had attempted to say but once again Jez squashed him. She was sick and tired of not being understood, of always being overrun and then guilt tripped.

“Are you sure about that?” Jez simply asked as she tried to take a deep steadying breath. “I would say do you remember when I had the eating disorder, but you weren’t there so what does it matter…” she tailed off turning her back towards Oli.

She knew she was being harsh, but a little corner in her mind was shouting out and saying that this was the right thing to do and that Oli Sykes always got whatever he wanted and so it was good that Jez wasn’t giving into the large wide eyes and helpless stare.

“Oli,” Jez said far more softly and feeling far more composed as she turned back to face him. “Just let it go ok, it’s passed now. I’ve left all those bad moments behind me and moved on. That’s what you need to do.”

She left it at that and started walking back up the muddy path that they had been travelling on before everything had blown up in their faces.

Oli stayed rooted to the spot for a while, not hurting as such but simply bewildered. It was going to take a while for everything to settle in. But there was one thing that he couldn’t shake off his mind.

What had happened whilst Jez had the eating disorder?