Had My Heart on Lockdown

Somehow, about an hour later, I found myself on my front doorstep. I tentatively pushed the door open and walked inside.

‘Isla, is that you? I thought you weren’t going to come back till later?’ I couldn’t seem to find my voice to answer, I just stood in the hall, gazing helplessly around me. ‘Isla?!’ I heard my mom shout again, her footsteps echoed on the tiled kitchen floor, signalling her approach.

‘OH MY GOD! ISLA!!’ her scream seemed to go straight through, I couldn’t react though, I simply turned slowly to look at her. She was standing in the doorway, a look of utter disbelief and horror on her face. ‘WHAT HAPPENED?’ she cried, rushing over.

I looked down at my blood-stained body numbly, before stating matter-of-factly,

‘Beth’s dead.’

‘Dead? How can she be dead?’

‘She killed herself.’ My voice was almost a whisper, I refused to allow myself to cry, pulling away from my mom, I walked slowly upstairs.

My first instinct was to shower, so I quickly set the water running, not bothering to take my clothes off before I got in, my only concern was to wash the blood off me.

I scrubbed my hands until they were raw, the soap slipping from my hands and landing on the shower floor, quickly sliding towards the plughole.

I crouched down, desperately trying to pick it up, clawing at it, but it just kept slipping through my fingers. I collapsed on the floor, unaware whether it was now the shower or tears that was blinding me.

It was all my fault. Beth. My best friend. I should’ve known. I should’ve saved her. Why didn’t I know? Why didn’t she tell me?

I sat in the shower for about an hour until my mom knocked at the door, asking if I was okay.

I couldn’t even formulate a sarcastic response, my brain seemed stuck, all I understood was that it was all my fault.

I was suddenly aware that the shower had been turned off, and my mom wrapped a towel around me, pulling me up. She dried as best as she could, before guiding me over to my bed, changing me into my pyjamas and putting me in my bed.

I lay on my side, staring blankly at the wall. Everytime I shut my eyes, all I could see was Beth. Covered in blood. Everytime I looked at my hands all I could see was blood, even though it had long since been removed.

I couldn’t allow myself to sleep, so I stayed awake.

- - - - -

Three days later, my mother allowed me to lean against her as we left Beth’s funeral. It was a sunny day, but it was as well have been dark the amount of black that was surrounding me. I was no exception.

My mom had brushed my hair back into a bun, and I was wearing a simple black dress. I hadn’t shed a single tear since that day. I hadn’t allowed myself to feel sad. I felt numb instead.

Beth’s parents had tried to talk to me, ask me what happened. I couldn’t offer them an explanation; that made me feel worse. I should have had an answer to give them.

Arriving back at home, done with the sympathy of everyone around me, I retreated to my bedroom. I just sat on my bed.

Not soon after, there was a knock at my door. I looked over, expecting whoever it was to enter anyway.

‘It’s the store on the phone,’ she said quietly. I nodded. It was work. ‘They want to know when you can go back to work…’ she trailed off, looking at me guiltily.

I didn’t want to work anymore. I didn’t want to do anything anymore.

‘Tell them I quit,’ I said quietly, my voice hoarse due to lack of use.

She nodded slowly, lifting the phone back to her ear. As she closed the door, I could hear her mumbling,

‘She just needs a bit more time, she’ll be back to work soon I should think.’ I looked at the ceiling. My mother, ever the optimist.

I lay back on my bed, giving the ceiling my full attention. Some time later, mom brought me some food. I picked at it, eventually taking it downstairs and abandoning it before returning it to my bedroom. My appetite had been destroyed.

I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do anything except the simplest of actions, it was like a part of me was missing.

I glanced at the calendar, where ‘SHOPPING WITH BETH’ had been written in bold over today. I pulled it off the wall, flicking through the previous months, until eventually I ran out of dates to look at, months to scan over, and instead I ripped up the calendar, putting the shreds of it in the bin, before lying back on my bed again.

I couldn’t hear anything, there was no noise in the house. I needed the silence, but at the same time, it drove me insane.

I just lay on my bed, watching the room get progressively darker as night engulfed Chicago.