Had My Heart on Lockdown

The neon green light of my digital clock was the only illumination in my otherwise dark room. I’d stared at it for so long, 00:31 was engraved into my brain, every time I blinked I needn’t have bothered, it wasn’t like it shut the clock out.

I tapped my hand restlessly on my stomach. I felt like the walls were closing in on me; I’d spent the best part of four days in my room, I was starting to feel claustrophobic.

I swung my legs off the bed, grabbing my red hoodie from the bedpost. I slid it on so it covered my thin arms and the blue t-shirt I was wearing, before sliding my feet into a pair of sneakers and walking out my room.

- - - - -

I couldn’t recall the last time I’d been wandering the streets without purpose at that time of night. I was vaguely aware that it was cold, but I kept walking, further and further away from the familiarity of my neighbourhood, and closer and closer to the centre of the city.

I knew that everyone would warn me against what I was doing, but danger wasn’t registering in my head, I just needed to get out of the house, every wall in my house, no matter how pure the white paint was, appeared bloodstained to me.

My footsteps were soft against the concrete sidewalk; my heartbeat loud against my chest.

I stepped steadily around corner after corner, dodging the people on the streets, avoiding eye contact with everyone, keeping my eyes trained on the pavement. I wasn’t scared, I just wasn’t prepared to let my guard down.

I walked continously for about forty minutes, each street seeming the same, identical shops, identical lights, until a small diner on the corner of the street caught my eye.

It was nothing special, but it looked quiet, and it served coffee, the only thing I could really rely on to keep me awake, so I swiftly crossed the road and stepped inside.

As soon as I entered, the sounds of the traffic and people in the city were instantly replaced with the light jingle of the door as it opened, and the muffled sounds of the old radio.

I walked straight over to the counter, sitting down and resting my forearms on it. Not soon after, a middle-aged waitress came over.

‘What can I get you, honey?’ she asked, sweetly.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, so I focussed on a small coffee stain on the counter instead.

‘Just a coffee, please,’ I mumbled. I didn’t look up, but I heard her make a small noise of assent, before bustling off to get it.

When I was sure she wasn’t looking at me, I glanced up at the walls, looking around until I located a clock. 1:23. The time didn’t really seem very relevant, but I resolved to attempt to get home soon.

From behind me, I heard the jingle of the door as it opened again. Someone had entered. I didn’t turn around, just kept my eyeline on my hands.

The waitress placed a cup of coffee in front of me, telling me the price.

I grabbed a ten out of my pocket and handed it to her, almost flinching as her fingers grazed mine.

I wrapped my arms around the mug, pulling it up to my lips and closing my eyes as I took a sip.

As soon as the coffee was finished, I stood up, sliding off the stool and walking to the door, still keeping my head down, and pulling my hood up in anticipation of the cold, Chicago air.

The bell above the door sounded once again as I pulled the door open, and began my walk home.

I had passed a couple of buildings when I heard the bell sound again. It was irrational, but my blood ran cold, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that the person who had joined me in the diner was now following me down the street.

Their footsteps were louder than mine, but matched my pace, I could tell that they were behind me, so I sped up, speeding around a corner and simply hoping I could get home faster than I had got to the diner.

Each time I increased my pace, theirs increased too, my heart was pounding, I had the feeling that any second they were going to grab me. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, but I focussed on speeding up until I was practically running home.

After a few streets I had to stop to catch my breath, I pulled into a shop doorway, hoping to remain out of sight. I was breathing heavily, but I suddenly became aware that I couldn’t hear anyone else’s footsteps anymore.

I peered meekly around the corner; there was no one there, and nowhere for someone to hide.

I started to question whether I had even heard footsteps at all, everything seemed so uncertain in the dark, the quiet.

Shaking my head in an attempt to rid myself of any fear, I shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie, and walked home.