Fracture

Everyone on the bus knew about Jack and I breaking up before I went to sleep that night. The boys had proclaimed a "no Barakat allowed" rule for the bus. I thought it was sweet, but I didn't want them to sacrifice their friendships because we weren't together anymore. They ignored my protests, saying how their "little sister" deserved better and they should actually kick his ass.

I appreciated their protection, but it didn't make anything better. I was the only person who'd known exactly what went down outside. I was hesitant. I was afraid. I was a coward. I laid in my bed alone with my knees pulled up to my chest. I'd waved away Natalie's offers to stay with me again. She'd barely spent any time with John because of all the drama happening.

I was colder than I ever had been, even though I had all my blankets on top of me and Garrett had even given a few more from his bunk. Everyone was being so sweet, but I really didn't feel like I deserved any of it. I started crying and pulled the blankets over my head to make sure no one heard my sharp gasps of air.

Turning onto my back, I ran my fingertips lightly over my stomach. There was a life growing inside of me, and it was half Jack's. I tried to ignore my pangs of guilt and longing to have him laying beside me. Somehow I'd managed to screw up my future in the span of 24 hours. I'd ran from the one good thing in my life, and when he caught up to me, I couldn't even tell him the truth.

Sleep evaded me that night, with my eyes only closing for an hour at the most. There were far too many things running through my mind. Before anyone else was up, I rolled out of my bunk and walked into the lounge. Pat had fallen asleep in the lounge and I pulled a blanket from my bunk and laid it over his sleeping body.

The lounge was empty for a couple more hours, and I tried my best to eat some cereal. Eventually Natalie walked in sleepily, pulling her messy hair into a bun and sitting across from me. Pat turned over restlessly and pulled the blanket over his head.

"You ready for today?" Natalie whispered.

She'd pulled a bowl from the cupboard and was slowly spooning Captain Crunch into her mouth. Her eyes watched every move I made, and I felt suddenly self-conscious.

I sighed, "I don't really have a choice, do I?"

"No, not really," She smiled.

I left her at the table and took a shower, doing my best to wash away the fears that had started building up in my stomach. It didn't do the trick, and when I was pulling on my clothes, I found my hands shaking.

Soon I was riding in a cab next to Natalie, doing my best to focus on the scenery that was passing us by. My jaw was clenched and my hands were clammy, but I kept them buried in the pockets of the hoodie I had slipped on.

"Did you even hint to Jack about any of this?" Natalie asked me softly.

I turned and looked into her sincere eyes. I knew my own blue eyes probably looked as anxious as I felt. I took a deep breath.

"I couldn't do it," I muttered.

"What do you mean, Em?"

I couldn't look at her anymore, "I couldn't get the words out. He was so upset and I was so freaked out. I just couldn't tell him."

"You're going to have to," She told me shortly.

I looked over at her again, but she'd fixed her own gaze out the window beside her.

"I know. And I will. But the time wasn't right. I didn't want to tell him he was going to have a daughter in a bus lot," I choked the last part out and turned back to the window.

Natalie reached out and grabbed my hand. I bit my lip, trying my best to get rid of my nerves. We rolled up to the doctor's office a little bit later, and Natalie handed money to the cab driver before we walked into the air conditioned lobby.

I walked up to the receptionist, "My name is Emily Reed. I have an appointment for 10 o'clock."

Her hair was short and gray, and she gave me a polite smile before handing me a clipboard with paperwork and giving me instructions about filling it all out. Natalie was already sitting in a chair flipping through a gossip magazine and I sat down next to her.

"Paperwork?" She asked, glancing at the clipboard in my hands.

"Yeah," I bit my lip and started scrawling down information.

After I'd returned it to the receptionist with the smile I was now reading as sympathetic, Natalie tried to entertain me with stories from the magazine in her hands. I tried to laugh and nod along, but I couldn't help but over think everything. I couldn't stop myself.

A nurse walked into the lobby, glancing at her clipboard before looking up at the occupants of the room, "Emily?"

I smiled nervously and stood up, Natalie following closely behind. I was weighed and measured in the hallway before being led to the room. The nurse started asking basic questions and prepped me for the doctor who came into the room a few minutes later.

"Hi, Emily. I'm Dr. Meyer," The woman smiled kindly at me and stuck her hand out for me to shake.

Once she sat down on the cushioned stool, she turned back to me, "We need to get a little bit of information about your family health history."

Dr. Meyer turned to the computer and started rattling off questions about heart disease and cancer and other things that I answered mindlessly. Soon she was asking more about my personal health and then asked me to get onto examining table.

I went through a physical exam, then a pelvic exam. I found myself relieved when she told me I looked to be in perfect health. Then she determined my due date: my future child would be born in April of the next year.

Before I left she wrote down the names of prenatal vitamins to take and a list of foods to avoid. We stood outside for another cab and I could see Natalie glancing at me from the corner of my eye.

"What?" I asked with a light laugh.

She smiled, "You did really well in there."

"Thanks, mom," I joked, scanning the road for the taxi.

"I'm not trying to be motherly, Emily," She shook her head, but continued smiling, "I just want you to know I'm here for you."

I closed the distance between us and wrapped my best friend into a hug, "Thank you. I hope you always are."

***

The crowd seemed more dense than ever as I wound my way to the tent. Pete was sitting lazily in the shade, his iPod headphones shoved into his ears. I laughed at his air-drumming before sliding past the table and taking a seat in the empty chair.

He grinned over at me and pulled the headphones out, "I've missed you!"

"Aw, were you lonely?" I laughed.

"Very!" He told me dramatically, "How was your personal time?"

"Fine," I shrugged.

"That's all you're gonna give me?" He rolled his eyes.

"That's all I'm going to give you," I smirked at him and settled into my chair.

"You're no fun!" He whined.

"Yeah, yeah."

"We're almost done, ya know," He told me.

I sighed and looked over at him, "I know, Petey."

"How will I ever survive without that pretty little face bossing me around?" Pete laughed at his own joke.

"You're lucky your girlfriend likes dumbasses," I laughed.

"You really know how to hurt my feelings," He placed his hand over his heart and gave me a puppy dog look.

"You have like a two second rebound rate."

He nodded his head, "Truth."

***

The next morning I sat next to Pete again in the tent. Jack hadn't shown his face on the bus, which actually made me feel worse than I thought it would. The boys could somehow sense my mood, because they did everything in their power to keep me occupied.

I stayed in the tent as the day rode on, the heat rising with each passing hour. Pete urged me to get out and watch some sets, but I tried to avoid the fact that I no longer had a boyfriend in a band. Just an ex who played guitar to angsty teenagers.

"All Time Low plays in like 15 minutes," Pete told me as he looked over the lineup sheet.

"That's nice."

"Well aren't you going?" He asked, throwing me a sideways glance.

"No," I shrugged.

"Why not? You go every day," He looked more confused than ever.

"Not today."

"Won't Jack want you there?"

I sighed, "Jack and I aren't together."

Pete's eyes went wide, but he quickly composed himself, "Well that explains it."

Natalie strolled up to the tent before I could reply, and took me from the tent, telling Pete I needed a break. I did need some time away from the tent, but I didn't like the way she was tugging on my hand as we made our way toward the stages.

She eventually stopped on a semi-empty hill overlooking the stages, "I think you should go to Jack's set."

My confused eyes landed on her face, "What the hell are you talking about?

"I don't know, I think it's a good idea," She shrugged.

"Well I don't think so," I bit my lip.

Natalie sighed, "You need to show him you're still here."

"I think he should know."

"That didn't come out right," She paused, "I just think you should make yourself known so it's easier to tell him before the tour's over."

"You have weird fucking logic," I huffed, planting myself on the grass.

"Get your ass up, Emily," Natalie told me sternly.

I was kicking myself as I obeyed and followed her, easily passing security and walking up the ramp to the stage. John and Kennedy were already side stage, and Natalie and I stood in front of them. All Time Low was already half into their first song, all of them jumping energetically around.

John's arms snaked around Natalie's waist, and I watched them smiling. I missed that feeling, and it had only been a few days. My focus returned to the stage, and I watched with my arms crossed over my chest as I bit my lip.

"You okay?" Natalie mouthed to me. I nodded in response.

When I turned back to the action onstage, my heart stopped. Jack was looking right at me, strumming chords on his guitar. He had an angry expression painted on his face and returned to his mic after the song finished.

Oddly enough, I felt like bursting into tears. He'd never looked at me in the way he had, and it made me beyond uncomfortable.

Alex smiled at the audience, "This next song is about-"

"WHORES," Jack interrupted, "Who here knows someone who's a whore?"

The audience erupted with screams. I knew this wasn't going to be good.

"Yeah, I know one, too," He said into the mic, then his eyes moved directly to me.

I felt the blood drain from my face and tears jumped into my eyes. More than anything, I became angry. How was I a whore? My actions were completely unrelated to being a whore. My feet led me quickly offstage as the chords to the song trailed behind me.

The Girl's A Straight Up Hustler would never sound the same to me. It would be tainted, just like Jack would be forevermore. The one I loved, who I thought the world of. The father of my unborn child. Nothing would ever be the same. Everything in the past was irrelevant.

Juliet sighed, "Is that why you never told him?"

"Well, that added to the final reason," I admitted, "But I felt abused."

"I understand, mom," She smiled softly, reaching her hand out to take mine.

"It's only going to get harder to tell you, though," I told her.

"I'm ready to hear it," Juliet told me seriously, "I've waited this long."