Heartache

Heaven's waiting for you
Just close your eyes
And say goodbye
Hearing your pulse
Go on and on and on.

He watched her lying there, so fragile from the accident. Her face and arms covered in bruises and small cuts. He just looked at her. He couldn’t touch her face or hold her hand. He was too afraid he would hurt her.

Although he knew she was in a deep coma, he knew she was in a lot of pain. He hated to see her look so ill. He was scared that if he blinked, she would disappear. He was afraid to leave because he didn’t want her slip away while he was out of the room. For four days, he stayed in that room.

He knew she was going to die. He didn’t know when, but the impact of the car was too much for her internal organs. Her body was slowly running down and nothing would be able to save her.

Looking at her face, he had hoped this was a joke. He smiled to himself, waiting for her to jump up and scare the living crap out of him and scream, “just kidding!” He waited for her eyes to open and her lips to turn upward to form her beautiful smile. But when moments passed and nothing happened, his smile faded. He didn’t want to believe that she was going to die. He needed her more than she could ever know.

He glanced at her heart machine, watching and hearing her heartbeat. It had been the same for four days. The same steady beeping noise. The same lines moving up and down every second. He felt sick just thinking about it. Just thinking that one-day the line would drop and never come back up. Thinking about when the beeping would end.

I live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to hold you
No breath left inside of me
Shattered glass keeps falling

Two weeks of sitting in the hospital, listening to that heartbeat, watching her slowly fade away on the hospital gurney. He had asked if he could hold her in his arms, but the doctor thought it wouldn’t be a good idea. He said it would cause her too much pain. He was allowed to hold her hand, though, but when he had the cold feel of her had repulsed him. This wasn’t her.

The police had questioned him continuously despite his parents’ objections. He wasn’t at the scene of the accident or even in the country, for that matter, but the police insisted on questioning him. It had hurt, it physically pained him, to see her the way she was, but the memories the questions had brought up hurt even more. Memories of their life before the accident, the ones he selfishly want to keep all to himself. It nearly killed him to have to share them with the officers.
He only wanted to know the extent of her injuries. He only wanted to know how much longer he had with her, but instead they had given him detailed accounts of the accident. He didn’t want to know about that. He didn’t want to know every detail of what sequence of events had caused her to be there, in the bed, dying. He just wanted to be with her while he still could.

What they had told him about the accident, all the dirty details, were floating around his head as he held her hand. The driver had been drinking. He was driving down her street, going three times the speed limit. She was crossing the road to get into her house. She hadn’t seen the car. Initially her legs took the impact but when the driver hadn’t stopped she was pulled underneath… He shook his head pushing the thoughts out of his mind. He couldn’t think about that.

He sat up and leaned over to gently kiss her lips. “I love you, baby. You’re my world,” he whispered near her ear before standing. Reluctantly her released her hand, lying on the bed at her side. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. I promise. I love you.”

I love you. He couldn’t remember the last time he had spoke those words so often. Even when he was only leaving for moment, a two-minute trip to the restroom, he always made sure to tell her that he loved her. It was always possible that she wouldn’t be there when he returned.

He walked down the hallway, his head hanging low in attempt to avoid all contact with anyone. In the two weeks he spent at the hospital, he had grown to hate the nurses, both the ones who had tried to flirt with him and the ones who offered him a sympathetic smile.

When he was done in the bathroom and went to wash his hands, he couldn’t help but glance at his reflection. He noticed how horrible he really looked. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a proper wash or shaved; yet he couldn’t really force himself to care. Things like that weren’t important anymore.

Sighing, he left the restroom and began walking back to the room. His head snapped up when he noticed a few nurses whir past him in the corridor, but just as quickly as he had looked up, he returned his gaze to the floor. It never occurred to him that they could be running to her room. He hadn’t thought they could be running to try to save her, until he had arrived at the room’s door and had been denied access into the suddenly overcrowded room.

Minutes later a female doctor bent down to his level with a troubled look on her face. She didn’t have to say anything. He understood, from her expression alone, that his girlfriend hadn’t made it. He shook his head violently, tears flowing freely from his eyes.

“Matt, I’m so sorry. It was her time…”

Say…
Say goodnight
Just sleep tight
Say goodnight

“Oh my god,” he choked. His heart launched into an unnaturally fast pace. He jumped up from his seat and ran to the room only to be stopped by his father’s arms. He stood at the door for a moment and watched as the nurse turned off the machines that she had been hooked up to. When she was done, he pulled away from his father’s grip and walked over to her body.

Brushing her fringe out of her closed eyes, a wave of pain hit him hard. He didn’t know his heart could ever feel this way or that his chest could be so heavy with sorrow. Fresh tears sprung to his eyes. He couldn’t accept that she was never going to be there for him again. This couldn’t be happening.

The nurse began to talk to him but he couldn’t hear her. This was the last time he was ever going to be able to touch her skin, smell her scent, or run his fingers through her silky auburn hair. He was using every last millisecond to remember her features.

After some moments, his father laid his hand on his shoulder. He was talking but Matt couldn’t hear him either. Nothing else mattered. Whatever his father had to say could wait. She was the only important thing now. He knew they wanted him to go, but he wasn’t going to leave her alone in this hospital. He wanted to stay with her for as long as he could.

A part of him knew that he couldn’t stay, that she wouldn’t have wanted him to, but he couldn’t will himself to leave. She was the love of his life.

“Son, we have to go.” His father’s words had finally broken through. He father pulled him to his feet and tried to steer him away from her body. He wouldn’t budge. “Matt, don’t make this any harder than it already is.”

Matt’s father pulled him away as the nurse tried to get Matt to let go of his girlfriend’s hand. “I love you, babe,” he said, still holding on to her hand, but as his father pulled him outside of the room, their hands separated. “Goodbye.”

Flowers laid out for you
So many colours leave me blind
Seeing your face reflect from a babies eyes

The sun was belting down on the cemetery, making the mood of the funeral seem more depressing than it needed to be. It was rare for the sun to shine in the spring in Wales. Matt thought it was god’s way of completely messing with his emotions.

He sat between his father and Jay as the casket was lowered into the ground. The two men had a tight grip on Matt’s knees. They knew he wasn’t going to react very well to seeing his girlfriend being laid to rest.

His vision was blurred from the tears that he wasn’t going to let escape. He was trying his best to keep it together. He didn’t want people to see him so vulnerable and weak. He was supposed to be a big bad rock star from the rough end of town that didn’t cry.

Flowers were surrounding her grave. All the bright colours used to reflect her bubbly personality. She was always so happy. Looking at the colourful display, Matt couldn’t help but feel even more miserable. She was gone.

Slowly, her casket had been lowered. Her parents, younger brother and sister stood at the edge of the grave and let the flowers they were holding drop onto the casket below. Once they were done, it was Matt’s turn.

He didn’t look up, trying to hide for the eyes that he felt boring into his back. He stood up and moved a few steps forward before kneeling at the grave. He let her favourite flower, a purple lily, slip out of his fingers and fall to the casket. He watched carefully as it disappeared into darkness.

Looking to the headstone, he could see barely see the engraving through his tears: Gwen Davies. Loving mother, daughter and girlfriend. Tears rolled down Matt’s cheeks as he looked back down at the little bundle in his arms. The two month old opened his eyes slowly, looking at his father. Matt could feel his heart ache. His son had the same eyes as Gwen. Matt sniffled loudly causing the child to squirm in his arms. It was another resemblance to his mother. Gwen shared the same reaction to his sniffling.

He got up slowly, making his way back to his seat. He sat down and let the priest carry on with the rest of the funeral.

“I’m really proud of you, man,” Jay whispered, giving his friend’s arm a light squeeze. “She’d be proud of you.”

I live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to hold you
No breath left inside of me
Shattered glass keeps falling

Walking into the sitting room, he sighed heavily. The house was an absolute mess. He couldn’t handle everything at once. He picked up random clothes and baby toys, throwing them out of his way. He picked up the picture of himself and Gwen, a few months after they had met. He smiled, looking at how beautiful she was. He couldn’t believe it had nearly been five months without her. Soon after the funeral he was put on anti-depressants, which would only let him down once in a while. Today was a day those magic pills were going to let him down.

Leaning against the wall, Matt slowly began to slide down the wall, feeling his chest tighten and heavier than normal. He took a gulp of air before tears started streaming from his eyes. He was chocking on his own breath, he was crying so hard. All he wanted was her back. He’d give anything to be with her again. He’d withstand anything to kiss her. He’d give it all up - every record, every penny he owned. He’d give anything if he could just have her back.

The tears of sadness turned into tears of anger. He was royally pissed off at that bastard who killed the love of his life. He was pissed at the doctors for not trying hard enough to save her life. But most of all he was pissed off at himself for telling her to get out of the house more. In his eyes it was all his fault.

Owen was crying upstairs. He had just awoken from his nap. His father didn’t run up to calm him. He was too pissed off with himself to even be bothered to take care of his son.

He punched the wall with his free hand as he kept a firm grip on the photo in his other hand. He stood up, the anger fuming as he saw how bad the house had gotten. The sofa’s where covered in baby nappies, bibs, empty beer bottles. Anything could be found. Looking around the room to see something he could get even more pissed over, he saw that lamp Gwen had hated so much. He had thought it was brilliant. The stand was a naked woman. Padge had gotten it for him for his birthday. He couldn’t count the amount of fights they had over it.

He picked it up and used all the force in his arm and threw it out the front window. The glass shattered. All Matt could do was breath heavily and stare in anger at what he just did.

Say
Say goodnight
Just sleep tight
Say goodnight

“Rock a bye baby on the tree tops when the bow breaks the cradle fall… and down will come baby… cradle and all…” Matt sang, whispering the end. He smiled, looking down at the nine month old whose eyes were blinking. “You’re a Carlsberg baby, aren’t ya?” A small, sleepy, toothless grin appeared on Owen’s face. “My Carlsberg baby…”

The young child let out a small giggle as he felt a couple of fingers poke at his side. Matt laughed at the Owen’s giggle. “Mama,” Owen yawned. Matt’s heart ached at the first word, he really felt for his son. Growing up without Gwen was going to be hard but it was going to be harder trying to explain how much he loved her.

After Owen fell asleep in his arms, Matt brought him back upstairs to his room. As he climbed the stairs his mind drifted to the day he found out that Gwen was pregnant. It had been on these stairs, of all places, that Matt found out he was going to be a father.

He brought his child into the master bedroom and laid him in the crib. “Night Owen, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite.” Pulling the blanket over the sleeping baby he couldn’t help but to notice the dress hanging from her side of the wardrobe. A plain silk dress hung down, he knew in an instant it was meant to be for Owen’s christening.

He exhaled heavily and made his way back to the stairs. He strolled down a few steps of the stairs before he sat down. He could almost picture himself and Gwen fooling around on the stairs. She was straddling his waist, teasing him as much as she could. He couldn’t remember the last time she had wanted to have sex more than he wanted it now.

He hadn’t even been five minutes in the door, back from the American leg of the tour, before she jumped on him. He wasn’t able to get over it and he started laughing as they made out. She told him off and then stopped and just looked at him with wide, glassy eyes. Then she just blurted it out. That was one of the best moments of his life.

So here I am
You're inside of me
So here I am
Our worlds may suffer

The night Owen was born had been a complete nightmare. Jay had to fly back to Wales because his daughter was rushed into hospital with an infection. Matt had been somewhat grateful that they had to fly home early. He remembered Gwen’s sister screaming down the phone to him for not answering the second he got off the plane.

He raced to get a taxi, but it was one of the worst days of the year. It was pissing rain and the roads where packed to the arse with cars and there where accidents on the road, making the traffic worse. Matt couldn’t remember how many times he cursed the taxi driver out. Jay was with him the entire ride. They were both agitated and annoyed at the weather.

The second they could see the hospital they both jumped out of the taxi and preceded to run threw the heavy traffic. Apparently they had looked like troublemakers, the two of them soaked and dirty and covered in tattoos and piercings. They had gotten the hospital but weren’t allowed inside until someone could confirm why they were there.

Eventually they were allowed in, running off in separate directions. Matt’s younger brother had told him he was too late and Gwen was going to murder him. He remembered his heart dropping. He had missed the most important day of his life. When he heard Gwen screaming he ran into her room to that she was in labour. Apparently he hadn’t missed it all.

A painful seven hours later, their six pound six ounce baby boy was born. Matt found it somewhat comical that one second Gwen hated him and everyone in the world and then she wanted another baby when she held Owen. He didn’t say a word against her in fear of being murdered, though.

So here I am
You're inside of me
So here I am
Our worlds may suffer

Matt and Gwen had met in the airport. They both had flight layovers in Shannon Airport, Ireland. Matt and the boys where heading to Wales, back from touring in America. Gwen had come back from a large shopping spree in New York. The boys had gotten bored and fell asleep on him, while their roadies, managers and what not had gone to get something to eat. Matt’s attention was drawn to her hair. He watched her for ages before he even made a move.

She was painting her nails and blowing them. He grinned and asked her was her nails on fire. She simply cocked an eyebrow and continued on, but Matt being himself watched her with a cocky grin until she spoke to him. They hit off with a little argument. They boarded the plane together but the boys where going first class and she wasn’t. He paid Moose £500 to switch seats with her. He shouldn’t have really paid him because they ended up in the restroom for the best part of the flight.

Here I am with you
I'm there till the end
Memories are calling
So farewell my friend
Farewell my friend!

“I dunna win daddy!” Owen giggled, running as fast as his little legs could carry him. Matt was running behind him, laughing at the toddler trying to beat him. Sure the child was out in front, but as a parent you have to let the child win every once in a while. “I wins! Daddy, I wins!” He yelled, waiting for his father to catch up.

“I only let you win!” Matt huffed, pretending to be pissed off. But Owen knew the way to his daddy’s heart and that was by hugging him. Matt smiled as the three year old held up his arms for a hug. “I love you, buddy. C’mon lets go see your mom.”

“Tay!” Owen smiled, jumping from his father’s arms. He ran to his mother’s gravestone and sat down right in front of it. Ever since he could talk, he would always sit down and talk to his mother. Most of the time Matt would sit beside him and they would tell her about the going ons in their lives. “Mammy, daddy is no wins. I wins,
‘cause uncie Padge says he’s stuu-pid!” He giggled, hearing his father mutter under his breath.

The two spent at least an hour talking and laughing. He never wanted Owen to grow up. As far as he was concerned he was already growing up to fast for his liking. “Say bye to your mam. We have to go now, kiddo.” Matt watched as his son said his good-bye. “Love you, babe. You better not have another man up there with you. I’ll be with you someday soon.”

Here I am with you
I'm there till the end
Memories are calling
So farewell my friend

“Old man, what the hell are you doing?” Matt turned his head to be greeted by a half frowning, half smiling young man. “You know if you keep smoking it’s gonna kill you, dad.” A twenty five year old Owen said, taking the cigarette out of his father’s hand.

“I’m sorry, dear, would you like me to make the dinner for you as well, sweetheart?” Matt asked sarcastically. “I didn’t marry you so shove it young lad. You’ve a lot to learn in your young age,” he joked, looking down at Gwen’s grave.

“She wouldn’t have wanted you to waste your life away. She would have wanted you to get married and have more kids,” Owen told his father. Age wasn’t agreeing with Matt in the least. Owen knew that soon enough his father would end up in hospital. “Well at least that’s what I had fucking hoped for,” he laughed, trying to ease the air between them.

Matt chuckled lightly, letting it fade away slowly. “I know she would have,” he sighed. He could never replace that hole in his heart. He knew no one was ever meant to fill it except Gwen. He nudged his son between the ribs. “Your mother would have been so proud of you today. Standing up there at that alter with Clare… Still can’t fucking believe I’m related to Moose now or that I’m gonna be a fucking granddad again, are you two trying to make us feel ancient?”

“No dad,” Owen laughed, he married Moose’s daughter six years after they started noticing each other as more than friends. “We just wanted to look after a little shit while we were twenty that’s all.” Matt grinned, noting that not only looks but also sarcastic remarks had been passed down from him to his son. “If the new baby is a girl, Clare wants to call her Gwen, after mom.”

“That’s nice. Jack’s already taking after your mam,” Matt smiled “Owen, can I talk to you about something?”

“Yeah, sure- ah fuck, keep that though.” He cursed flipping out his phone. “Look I gotta go, Jack isn’t calming down for Abi or anyone. Is it really important or can you tell me later?”

“I’ll let you know when the time comes, kiddo.”

FAREWELL MY FRIEND!
MY FRIEND

“Owen,” Matt’s raspy voice called out. His son appeared by his side. “Remember you take care of those kids no matter what,” he gasped for air, “they need you. When Gwen is born…open that letter. There is…one for Jack as well. It’ll get them to good… colleges. They deserve it.”

“Dad, don’t fucking do this. Do not give up.” Owen scowled at his father through his tears. “You can’t fucking leave me. You’re like my best friend-”

“You’re a big…boy now kiddo.” Matt smirked, closing his eyes. The morphine had been trying to entice him to his death all day. Matt was going to die when he was ready, not when the medication decided. “Put Jack up here,” he wheezed heavily. His grandson was put on the bed and looked terrified of his granddad. “It’s alright kid…just don’t smoke and…you won’t end up like…this old man. I need you to…do me a favour?”

“W-what you need gaga? A dink or my mammy or my daddy?” Matt shook his head slowly. “What then?”

“When your little sister is born…you-you be a good big…brother to her and be good to…your mam and dad and…your very old granddad Moose.” Jack smiled. Moose hated being called very old, although he was the oldest out of the four of them. “Send that old man in will you?” Jack nodded and hugged his dieing granddad tight.

“Farewell my little man,” he whispered.

MY FRIEND

All three of the Bullet For My Valentine members walked into the lead singers room. Matt gave a cheeky grin, letting them know it was fine for them to have laugh but they all had sad looks on their faces. “C’mon dicks… make a dieing man laugh!”

“Dude, this just doesn’t seem right,” Jay told his older friend. “You shouldn’t be dieing. Last month you were fucking fine. What the hell am I gonna do now?” He was upset and frustrated at losing one of his best friends.

Matt’s eyes glistened. The atmosphere in the room was horrible. He was trying so hard not cry. He didn’t want to die fucking crying. “Quit smoking,” he panted, seeing the three of them exchange looks, “and give us a hug.”

MY FRIEND

Matt closed his eyes and let the darkness over take his body. He was finally going to see her again, be with her again. Before his heart stopped, his family and friends saw a small, cocky, grin on his face.

Matt saw a familiar figure in the light. “We meet again my friend,” she spoke to him, reaching for his hand.