Torn Between Two Ways

When I first opened my eyes, I really thought I was dead. I thought I had died and gone to heaven (which didn't make any sense, because I had always figured I was going to hell).

Anyways, the reason I thought I was in heaven was because I saw Anna standing over me (which also didn't make sense, because she was alive). You think strange things after losing so much blood.

Okay, back to the subject. Everything in the background was blurry, but I saw her face clearly. I smiled. What ruined the moment was that I finally saw that she was crying.

"John?" she said questioningly. Hearing her voice made me wonder again if I was in heaven for a moment. But no, she sounded sad, so I knew I was alive.

"Damn it!" I exclaimed. "I'm alive!"

"Oh, darn," I heard Mikey mutter sarcastically. When I looked around and saw him, he had a very different expression than Anna did. Anna had been crying for hours; Mikey looked... enraged.

He was mad at me, of course, even though I had a better reason to be mad at him. I remembered him breaking through the bathroom door just before I passed out. He'd completely ruined my grand exit from life. I'd probably never get a chance like that again. "I hate you, Mikey," I shot at him.

"Not as much as I hate you," he retorted.

I scowled. When I tried to sit up, I found that my arms were heavily bandaged. Not only that, but they burned like fire. Anna helped me sit. "I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry."

My frown deepened. I hadn't been banking on living, which meant I hadn't thought about what would happen after I killed myself. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. I was a spontaneous person, and I never really thought things through. Besides, why would I think about what would happen after I died? I would be dead anyways.

"Where's Mom?" I asked Mikey, but I was still looking at Anna, who was sitting in a chair next to my bed. Mikey was standing.

"She's sleeping. She told me to wake her up when you woke up, but I think she's pretty tired. And frankly, I don't think you're worth disturbing her sleep," he said.

No time to argue. I knew I needed to talk to Anna really, really badly. "Can you give us a few minutes?" I asked Mikey.

"No," he replied stubbornly.

I raised my eyebrows. "Excuse me? Did you just say 'no'?"

Mikey glared at me. "Yes," he said evenly.

I narrowed my eyes, but then Anna stepped in. "Do what he says," she ordered him firmly.

He looked taken aback, like he didn't expect her to talk to him like that. I think sometimes her underestimated her assertiveness. But, like the love-sick puppy he was, he didn't argue with her. With one last glare at me, he stormed out of the room.

Anna looked at me with fresh tears in her eyes. "I should've told you about my dad," she whispered, looking down in shame.

"Why didn't you?" I demanded, feeling angry despite her tears. Why did she always have to be so complicated?

"I couldn't tell anyone."

"That's bull shit!" I yelled. "You told Mikey!"

"Mikey found out himself just a few days ago," she said, tears running down her face. "I was... I was afraid to tell you! I thought you would think I was a coward for complaining about it. I thought you would tell me to tough it out."

I almost laughed. "Are you kidding? You're the strongest girl I know. Now that I know what you put up with, I knew you're even tougher. Well, right now you're kind of a mess, but that's understandable."

"This isn't funny!" She was trying - and not succeeding - to sound angry. "This isn't a game, you idiot. Why would you go and kill yourself over this?"

Oh, great. Time to be honest. I wasn't good at honesty. I just didn't do the whole honesty thing. Remind me again why I was stupid enough to try to kill myself? Oh, right. I hadn't worried about surviving. I sighed and growled, "Because I can't believe you would keep this from me. Because I love you, Anna."

She looked frustrated. "I love you too. I love you and Mikey more than anyone else in the whole world. You two are my best friends."

Oh, burn. Not only did she blow off my heartfelt profession of love, but she brought Mikey into it too. She could be a professional heartbreaker. The only problem was that my heart didn't break that easily. "No, you don't get it," I remarked, laughing. "I love you, Anna. I like you as more than a best friend. I'm sick of being your best friend. I'm tired of being labeled right next to Mikey. I want to be more than that."

For a second, she was speechless. But Anna didn't ever stay speechless for long. "Well, you better deal with it John, because you and Mikey are my best friends," she shot at me.

I rolled my eyes, saying, "Oh, please. Do you think Mikey wants to be just your best friend to? Get real. We both want to be your boyfriend."

At that very second, Mikey burst into the room. Obviously, he had been eavesdropping. "John, shut up! You have no idea what I want!"