Torn Between Two Ways

Right after John told me that he and Mikey both wanted to be my boyfriend (and obviously not both of them at the same time), Mikey himself stormed into the room yelling, “John, shut up! You have no idea what I want!” He must have been listening outside the door.

“Oh, cut the crap, Mikey,” John said, rolling his eyes. “You like Anna just as much as I do.”

I felt like I was in a daze. It seemed like I was watching this scene from outside my body or in a movie. It just didn’t seem right.

“I don’t ‘like’ Anna,” Mikey shot at his brother. “I love her. I love her way more than you do.”

John’s face turned red. “You don’t know how I feel, stupid.”

“Yeah? Well I know for sure that you don’t know the first thing about love,” Mikey retorted. “If you did, you wouldn’t have tried to kill yourself because you would’ve known it would hurt her.”

“I’m not the one who hadn’t even kissed a girl before,” John countered.

I saw embarrassment redden Mikey’s cheeks, even though I knew it wasn’t true. When we were ten, Mikey had kissed me on a dare. I wondered if the part about it being a dare was even true. Nevertheless, Mikey had also kissed that girl two years ago…

“At least I haven’t been with every single girl in school,” Mikey replied smugly.

Despite the fact that I was distancing myself from the situation, I felt my mouth drop at that. I couldn’t believe Mikey had said that. Sure, John had dated a lot of girls, but Mikey was implying something else entirely, and he knew just as well as I did that John wasn’t like that.

Unable to think of a good enough comeback, John cussed him out. Mikey gave him the bird.

Suddenly I was furious. I was mad at John, Mikey, myself… everybody. I had let this go on way too far. “Would you two shut up for a second so I can hear myself freaking THINK?” I yelled. They turned and stared at me dumbly as if they had just remembered I was in the room.

To my surprise, they both shut their mouths and looked at me. I made them wait at least a minute before I graced their undeserving ears with my voice.

“You,” I said, pointing at John, “are way out of line. Telling me you love me after you try to kill yourself is… There are no words. There are just no words to describe how stupid and senseless and disturbing that is. Plus, Mikey is right that you have no right to tell me how he feels.”

They both opened their mouths to speak. I could see that Mikey was going to rub my last comment in John’s face and John was going to say something to defend himself. Before either of them could make a sound, I turned to Mikey.

“And you,” I continues, giving him the most disappointed look I could muster. “You! I can’t express how disappointed I am in you. You shouldn’t have been eavesdropping. And to say something like that about your own brother! I especially don’t expect this kind of thing from you.”

Once again, they both opened their mouths, but I wasn’t done yet. “And both of you should be ashamed of yourselves for talking like that and using those hand gestures. There is a lady present! Or have I become an object that you want to possess rather than a freaking person?!” Not that I hadn’t heard them swear before, but I was looking for things to yell at them about now.

This time when they opened their mouths, no sound came out. I guess they were too surprised at me to speak. I’ll admit that I was stunned too, but I felt like a mother disciplining her disobedient children. I couldn’t believe how immature they were acting!

When I saw both sets of pleading eyes, I felt my insides twist into knots. I remembered at that moment that they had both said they loved me. I felt my face twist into an uncomfortable expression.

I coughed. “Um… As for your… feelings…” I trailed off. I knew I had to be careful with this. John was obviously a little bit on the emotionally unstable side, and Mikey was so easily hurt. No, I didn’t want to hurt either one of them.

After clearing my throat, I continued, “I think I’m going to need some time to think about that. I, uh…” I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t be in that room with them for one more second.

So I turned on my heels and bolted right out the door. I ran past Mrs. Way. I think our yelling had woken her up, so she had probably heard most of what transpired from outside the door. Maybe half the hospital had heard. Whatever. I didn’t really give a shit anymore.

I ran down the hall as fast as I could. I was so confused. I didn’t know what to tell them. I didn’t even know how I felt. Did I love either of them? Of course I did. They were my best friends.

I felt my eyes getting damp. I didn’t want this to happen. Why did it have to be like this?

Then something happened that I never expected. Some doctors passed, urgently pushing a gurney down the hallway. In the gurney was the one man I hated: my dear old dad.