Torn Between Two Ways

They reluctantly let me go home Wednesday night. They thought I would keep my promise to go see a therapist. Yeah, right. Even my mom wasn’t going to make me go, but she and I had had a long (and stressful) talk.

That night was painfully awkward. Mikey, Anna, and I were completely silent for hours. And I was never silent. I almost wished that I hadn’t started the whole tell-my-feelings thing, but then I remembered that I couldn’t live without her knowing anymore. She was going to have to choose.

Her stupid father’s funeral was the next day. Anna kept telling my mother she didn’t want to go, but the woman just kept telling her she would regret it if she didn’t. Mikey was on my mom’s side too. I didn’t know where I was. I felt a little detached from the whole situation.

So they persuaded Anna to go. We were all going, although none of us really wanted to. So we all put on black and moved like mute zombies down to the car when the time came. Anna sat in the passenger seat next to my mom.

I think she knew something was going on between all of us. She was pretty observant, and I knew she saw how strange we were acting. Maybe she even guessed what actually was going on. I wouldn’t have been surprised. She wasn’t stupid, even if sometimes I wished she was.

Anna looked pale as we walked up the church steps and through the doors. There were a lot of people dressed in a lot of black.

Quite a few came up to Anna to greet her. A relative her age even looked glad to see her. Mom looked at us, and we all gradually parted from her. We didn’t need to be introduced to everyone.

We kept our distance, but after a few minutes Anna came to us again with her Aunt Carol in tow. She was a tall woman who was probably in her thirties. To be honest, she almost looked like an older version of Anna. She wore a long black dress that might’ve looked better on a woman in her twenties.

It would’ve looked good on Anna. I smiled at the thought. Of course it would’ve. Anna could pull off almost anything in my opinion. I especially liked the dress she was wearing now, though. Anyway…

“This is my Aunt Carol,” she said in a monotone voice to us. Turning to her aunt, she continued, “And this is Donna Way and her sons John and Mikey.”

We shook hands, but I frowned. The way she had lumped us with our mother was “her sons” bothered me. I didn’t expect her to say anything along the lines of “My two best friends, who’ve stuck by me through thick and thin for the past few years, who now both suddenly claim to love me, and who are tortured by the fact that I can’t choose between them,” but a nice “My two friends” would’ve been nice.

Her aunt appeared to be a nice person, and Anna seemed to like her. She talked to my mom in a low voice for a little while. Then people started sitting down in the church.

It’s not difficult to admit that I started to get bored. We were sitting in the back far away from Anna, and Mikey and I weren’t that buddy-buddy lately (if we ever even had been). Afraid that I was going to fall asleep, I decided to go to the bathroom.

I leaned over and whispered to my mom, “I have to go to the bathroom.

She looked annoyed, but she nodded. She was probably wondering when I would be old enough to either hold it or go before we were doing something important. I tried not to smile. Mikey also gave me a dirty look.

I ignored the few people that turned their heads to look at me and exited the main part of the church. I wandered around before going into the bathroom and standing in there for a little bit. I fully intended to go back; just not for a little while.

When I heard someone crying, I got curious. It didn’t take me long to realize it was Anna, although she rarely ever cried in front of me. As I went to sit on the bench next to her, she looked up.

“Great,” she said flatly. “Now you’ve seen me crying again.”

“I thought you hated him,” I stated, confused. I decided to ignore her comment. This wasn’t the time to tease her about being weak. She was far from it.

“I do,” she replied strongly, “but I used to love him. He used to love me, too… and now…” she trailed off, fresh tears pouring over.

It happened before I even knew what was going on. In one second I put my hand on her shoulder to comfort her, and in the next second she was crushing her lips against mine. However, I quickly recovered from my shock and kissed her back.

This felt different from kissing any other girl. It was so much better. Did this mean she was choosing me? Did she love me?

No, she pulled away and apologized, “I’m sorry John. I didn’t mean that. I just…”

All my hoped crumbled away. “Damn it, Anna! Make up your mind!”

“I’ve gotta go back,” was her only weak reply. She fled, leaving me there to feel sorry for myself. God, I hated that girl sometimes! But I loved her.