Hate, Love, and Sex Appeal

I quietly walked into my room and found Gerard against the wall in pj pants with a bunch of colored pencils next to him and a pad in his grip.

"Can you turn?"
"I can," he replied without moving.
"Seriously. I need to change."
"I won't look. Why would I want to?"
"Will you just turn?"

He shuffled so that he faced the wall. I quietly changed into a pair of boxers and removed Logan's sweatshirt, and my regular shirt so that I was in a tank top. I placed the clothes on my dresser and grabbed Misfit. He had shuffled back to how he was originally sitting.
"Whatcha drawin?"
"Nothing much."
"Come on, just tell me."
"Do you trust me?"

"I..ah--what?"

He caught me off guard. He was still staring down at his pad. His eyes didn't move at all.
"I know you heard me."

After a moment or two, I answered.
"Not fully, no," I replied honestly. I wasn't going to lie to him. I don't care if he had been nice to me.
He slowly nodded his head, still not looking up.
"How long does it take you to trust someone since you claim...to have issues when it comes to that topic."
I started to think and carefully replied,"People need to give me reason to trust. It really doesn't matter how much time it takes."
"So why do you trust Logan?"
"What's Logan have to do with this, Gerard?"
"Just answer," he coolly replied. His eyes went down to the colored pencils, a hazel was what he he reached for.

"Because he's given me reason to. It's not like I trust him with my entire life or anything. I haven't given him all my trust yet."
"You're a hypocrite, you know that?"
"How am I a hypocrite?" I asked as resentment infused itself within my voice.
"Well," he started, "you say you have issues with trust. Yet...you know this kid for what? Two days? And it seems like you trust him and you barely know him."

"I am not a hypocrite. I do have issues with trust, Gerard. I can't count the amount of times I've been completely betrayed. Believing something will happen when it won't. Like when I thought Tommy was gunna live. Kinda like that. When the doctors told me he had a fair chance. I always end up disappointed. Everyone has a way of showing that. Do you know how hard that is? What does it matter to you who I trust, anyway? It's not like you care."

His right hand stopped drawing in mid-line. He didn't respond.
"Exactly." I spat out angrily. I continued, "How could you do that?

"What?"
"Judge someone when you hardly know them. You've known Logan for as long as I have and yet...you act as though you know everything about him. Don't act like you know everything about him or me."
"I might not know him but I know you. Believe me, I've met guys like him and--"
"You know shit about me and you've met guys like Logan? How is that possible when you have no idea who Logan is?"
His eyes remained on the page.
"You think I don't know you?"
"No...so don't act like you do. Quit acting like an older brother or a jealous boyfriend, Gerard."

"Try me."
A sinister smile flashed upon his face.

"Favorite color?"
"Green."
"Day I was born on?
"Tuesday at 2:31 am. December 17."
"Random obsessions?"
"You love the sky and the moon. You absolutely love roses and rose scented candles. You love any type of candle. You've had your converses ever since you were eleven. You're a Ranger fan and you're amazing at poetry."
"Secrets?"
"You secretly love being called munchkin. You were always called 'anorexic'. You were made fun of a lot and that's continued through high school. You have little to no confidence in yourself and ...you have a thing for Logan."

"Just cause you know a few things doesn't mean anything."
This anger was bubbling beyond my 'stop' point. My hands were shaking and felt as though a clamp were tightening around my lungs. I wasn't breathing right. Fuck, not now.

"Yeah---Bri?"
My eyes started to sear with fiery hot tears. My breathing still wasn't normal and my hands refused to stop shaking.

"Panic attack?"
I nodded my head as I closed my eyes and I felt wet tears drip down my face. My elbows buckled and I laid down.

He came over and stood over me.
"I could just let you sit there and get through this by yourself. You know, for saying things like that to me."

I tried coughing but I couldn't. I began to panic even more. I wriggled around trying to find a way to sit still in order to get calm. I tried to speak but it only sounded like a five year old who didn't get their way. I locked eyes with Gerard's and instantly the harshness faded away and was replaced with something I swear I'd never seen before.

Regret. Sadness. Worry.

He came onto the bed and pinned my hands to their sides.
"Can you sit still?"

I cried. I was panicking even more because I lost complete control. Panic attacks didn't leave me unconscious. They held me prisoner, hostage to my own self. I wriggled even more, unable to stop.
"Can I help you? Will you let me?"
"Please," I managed to squeak out.

He lifted me up and propped me up against the wall. He climbed on top of me and rested on my lap and stopped a bit of my squirming.
"I'm gunna try and get you breathing normally, okay? Okay?"

He tried to find my eyes and was trying to make me respond to him. I nodded my head and more tears found their way, dripping down my cheeks. I couldn't focus, I couldn't breath, I wanted to be numb.
He took each of my shaking hands into his own. He gripped them tightly and placed one on my chest and the other on his own chest.
He inhaled and exhaled deeply and took another breath.

"Can you feel that?"
I nodded my head.
"Can you copy that? I'll push down if you say no."
He inhaled and I couldn't follow. He exhaled and pushed down on my chest.

"Out..in..out."
I shakily started to follow.
"Good, it's a start. Come on, you can do this Bri, okay?"
I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Focus on your breathing. You can do it, I know you can."
I nodded and I felt light-headed.

His hand released and pushed down on my chest, trying to get me to copy him. My hands had gone limp which made him grip them tighter. My breathing was slowly claiming stability again, shaky, but it was a start.

After what seemed like forever, my breathing reached a normal consistency. The shaking had stopped and I could finally sit still. I hadn't opened my eyes. I just focused on breathing and happy thoughts.
I cried.
I hardly ever cried in front of company. I've only cried once, and the person was Frankie and it had been when my brother died. It had finally passed, my panicking stopped, however, I continued crying.

"Bri, it's okay. You got through it, it's over. Don't cry."
He rubbed the tears from my cheeks with his palms. He used his thumb and washed away the runny eyeliner.
"Hey."
He lifted up my chin and I opened my eyes.

"What makes you think I don't care?"

He lazily got up and switched the lights off. He lifted the covers as I got in and he followed. I went to face the wall but he pulled me away and placed an arm around me.
"Put your head on my chest and focus on my breathing."
I listened to him and, without any hesitation, he pulled my closer.

"Gerard?" I whispered.
"Yeah?"
His body heaved as he answered.
"Thank you."
He rubbed my back and said, "I couldn't leave you like that. I'm not heartless, you know, or emotionless, for that matter."
With that being said, I scooted closer and fell asleep to the pace of his breathing.