Hate, Love, and Sex Appeal

“I’m sorry I said that,” said Gerard, instantly as Frank was out of earshot.
“Said what?” I asked as I casually kicked a few shells aside.
“That thing I said about being great actors and shit.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“I said it with every intention of hurting you and I’m sorry if it did.”
I took a risk and asked, “Well why’d you say it?”
“Because you put your defenses up whenever you’re around me and when I finally get you to let up I say the wrong thing and you get defensive again. You act so different when I try to help you and then you end up being really stuck up. That’s why I said it.” He said, blunt and to the point.

These guilt trips were killin’ me.

“You know, I care, I really. I'm really not the insignificant bastard that you think I am. I was scared, okay? I was scared that those assholes would hurt you but you could only be bothered with the fact that me and Frank followed you. I was afraid you’d get hurt. I don’t like seeing you hurt, you know. I acted like I did in the past and I’m sorry about it. Like that night you had that panic attack. You scared the living shit out of me that night and I hated it. I used to make fun of you just to get a rise out of you or just to bug you and now I'm sorry for it.”

My stomach hit rock bottom.Maybe he really does care

I sat on smooth sand. I desperately wanted to sink into the ground, never to be found again. Running away and disappearing seemed so much easier right now then opening up.
“I’m sorry.” I said as I looked into the gray blue line of where the sky met the ocean’s dull green blue water. I felt him sit close beside me, close enough for his body to lean against mine.
“For what?”

“Making you feel that way, I’m sorry.”
“But Bri, why? Why do you get so defensive? It’s like you’re hiding from everything, from me behind this giant shield,” said Gerard in a gentle manner. A hurt tone.
Truth or no truth. I guess he had every right to know what’s been on my mind. The real thoughts. But hesitancy has always been my specialty.

“Because…”

“That’s a shitty reason.”
“Because I’m scared, okay? Alright, are you happy?”
I sighed as I dug my little hand into the sand and I squeezed the golden sand crystals in between my scrawny fingers.
“Scared of what, Bri? Me?”
I winced as he asked me that question in the lightest tone.
“Scared of all the thoughts that are going through my head. Scared of letting people in. Do you know what you’ve done to me, Gerard, do you?--”

I was breaking apart, spilling all my thoughts out, releasing all that poison that coursed through out my veins. It came gushing out of me.

“--You’re making me re-question everything about you. Everything. I am so afraid that you’re out to make me look like a complete idiot again like you've been doing for my entire life. What made you be so nice to me? What made you change so quickly? I don’t have any answers to those, none and they’ve been grinding me into the ground. I’ve been picking apart every inch of my brain because of you. I couldn’t think of why I wanted you to kiss me so badly or why I wanted you to touch me. I’ve never let anybody so close like that in such a long time, especially you. I’m already an fuckin' emotional train wreck, let’s add another problem, shall we?” I said in such a desperately angry as I got up and started walking away in the direction of home.

I let him see my vulnerable.
Something I never thought would or should be done but the words had left me in such a tornado whirl wind. Everything came out all at once all the words forced themselves out of me. I snapped and let my emotions control my actions. The damage was done and nothing could be taken back.

“Is that...all true?”
As I spun around I saw obvious guilt spilt across his face mixed in with a bit of shock. He had every right to be shocked. That’s the first time I've ever opened up and let him see me like that. Ever.
I replied, “No, I’m lying to you. Gerard. What do you think?”
I started off again walking in a quick heated pace.

“You want the truth?”
He jogged up next to me as the cloudy skin opened up it’s arms and drenched the world below. The heavy rain drops were so loud against everything making it hard to hear. The thunder clapped and lightning streaked the sky.
“Honesty would be nice, yes.”
“I’m not out to make you look or feel like an idiot.”
“Then what are you doing Gerard?” I asked loudly.
“I’m sorry I fucked with your mind. I didn’t mean to. You did the same thing to me. You grew on me, Bri, and I started to think about all the years I was nasty to you and felt guilty. Guilty for making you feel like that. It made me feel like a complete asshole. Fuck…” He whispered as he rubbed his face with both of his hands.
“I was jealous of him. Okay? I didn’t want him to touch you or hurt you. You trusted him so easily and I couldn’t get that attention from you. I didn’t want to hurt you so I changed so that you wouldn't hate me anymore and so that I wouldn’t have to hurt you anymore. Even though I guess I’m just doing that even more. I’m sorry I don’t know what else to say.”
He stopped walking, grabbed my wrists, and just stood there. The piercing drops fell onto him and splattered off his frame. His black hair covered his eyes as I looked at him.

Sincerity. Care. Honesty.

“Logan?” I asked quietly as I looked into his eyes inches above mind. How the hell did Frankie do that?
“Yes, Logan, Bri, who else?” He asked softly. I was surprised I would hear him over the rain.
“Then how come you couldn’t be honest with me?” I questioned, not looking away.
“Because I thought you’d hate me all over again and I didn’t want to do that. It hurt. When I asked if you trusted me and you said no because all I wanted was for you to trust me and believe that I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I changed because…I just didn‘t want …the past to repeat itself again.” He replied after a few seconds of thought.
“That the real reason?”
“Well…yeah.”

Was he just patching up a friendship that hadn’t started yet or did he have feelings for me?
“Oh.”
“Bri, why do you think I kissed you?”
“I don’t know.” I answered honestly. Was he reading my thoughts again?
“Come on, you’re such a smart girl, figure it out.”
I just blinked and felt numb. Did he? I bit my lip and this feeling of being afraid rushed up over me.
I went to answer when lighting flashed up again.
“Come one we better get going,” said Gerard as he took my hand in his hand.
We ran back to the house without another word. It’s a good thing it was raining, it hid the redness from my face and the tears that were going to fall out of my eyes.

“Oh hold on I’ll get you guys towels,” said Frankie as he got up from the table.
I combed my fingers through my drenched hair and removed Frank’s sweatshirt. Mikey took the sweatshirt out of my hands and looked at me. He knew better to say anything but he knew that there was something different about me. I looked at him and shook my head and he knew I’d tell him later.
“Here ya go.”
“Thanks Frankenstein.”
“You’re welcome, Banana.”
I slid the shoes off of my feet and walked as I toweled myself dry. I went up to the room, grabbed a set of clothes and went into the shower to soak everything away. He was sorry.

“Bri, is it alright if you still come with me tonight?” I was changing in the bathroom when I heard him lean up against the door to ask me the question. I looked at myself in the mirror and then down to the sink.
“Yeah, I still really want to go, Gerard.” I replied, honestly. A sneaky smile forced it’s way across my face as butterflies infested my stomach.
“Oh okay good.” His tone changed and he sounded happy. I wonder if he smiled.

“Oh Jesus, Frankie, stop landing on me!” I said as the bottles top pointed in my direction.
Poot, Logan, Jade, and Mac had come over and we were downstairs playing spin the bottle due to the boredom that had overcome our entire crowd. We had only been playing for about ten minutes. Frank had already kissed me, Gerard had to kiss Mac, and Poot landed on Jade. We were so immature with the “oohing” and whatnot. Hanging out with everyone was kind of like a pain killer for me. I didn’t have to think about anything and I could just laugh and have fun.

Frankie came over for the second time that game and kissed me. Not the cheek kisses, either. He smiled after he was done and sat back down in his spot.
“Right Bri, your turn,” said Mac, excitedly. I learned to love that girl’s enthusiasm.
I spun and it seemed to go on forever.
Gerard’s knee was nudged against mine. He was sitting right beside me and Mikey sat on the other side of me.

The top landed on Logan. I side-glanced up at Gerard and looked down shyly. I didn't want to hurt him...even if it was a game.
Logan was smiling as it stopped on him. I leaned up on my knees cause he met me halfway. He placed his hand on my neck and gently tugged me towards him. I felt him grin as our lips met. I sat back down and gently nudged Gerard’s knee with my own. I looked away but I knew he’d get it.
But there was something. Something was missing. I couldn’t think of what but it was surely missing. There was this spot...that was just empty and needed to be filled...but I couldn't figure it out.
“Mikey, your turn.” I said as I leaned back against the couch.
He giggled like a six year old as he spun. The empty soda bottle slowly landed on Jade and her smile was enough to light up the room. Mikey grinned as well as he leaned over and kissed her.
“Aw.” I said as they continued to kiss.
“Ah ew, I don’t wanna see that, he’s my brother. Alright Mikes, that’s good,” said Gerard childishly shielding his eyes.

“Okay,” responded Mikey as he laced his fingers in between Jade’s and they started getting up.
“Wait....where are you guys going?” I asked.
“Well, Gerard has to be immature and doesn’t wanna see. So…we won’t let him see.” Grinned Mikey as he smiled sweetly at Jade and walked her over to the stairs.
“Good goin’ doofus,” I said as I lightly punched Gerard. He beamed in response.
“Alright, well I guess you go now Gerard,” said Poot as he gestured to the bottle.
“Haha, uh oh Bri, we’re the only girls left.” Mac joked looking over at me.
“Yeah, and that’s not including Frankie.”
“Hey!”
Everyone laughed.
The bottle stopped and the top aimed at me.
I heard Mac gasp and I chuckled as I saw her gleeful face.
“OoOh.” She whispered raising her eyebrows up and down.
“Shut up.” I said, jokingly.
I looked up at Gerard who smirked before placing his hand gently on my neck. His soft lips collided with mine and I got it.

I knew what was missing. Spark. Emotion. You know, that feeling. There wasn’t anything when I kissed Logan. Nothing, it was simply just a kiss. But Gerard. Gerard’s lips ignited me. They sent sizzling electric shock all the way down to my toes. It made me feel as though I belonged in that moment, that it was suppose to happen. He made me feel safe and he made me feel those childish tingles around the edges of my tummy. He made the butterflies happy. He gave me that feeling. I sheepishly grinned as we released. I saw him grin as he looked deep into my eyes before looking away.

“Wow…that…was…awesome!”
“Mac, I love you,” I said as I shook my head, giggling at her.
“Aw, me too. Well…I love you…not me. You know what I mean.”
We laughed at each other. I looked up at Logan and saw...anger? Jealousy? I don't know but if he could shot daggers from his eyes, Gerard would be dead. Had he always looked at him that way when I wasn't looking?
After another half an hour we just quit and started talking. Before not too long,

“Oh, Bri, we gotta…,” whispered Gerard nodding his head at the stairs.
“Oh, alright. Hey guys, me and him gotta go. So we’ll see you later?” I said as I got up and brushed myself off.
“Alright, see you guys later.” Everyone waved and replied.

I headed up the wooden stairs and Gerard followed me.
“Go get dressed.”
“What am I suppose to wear?” I asked as I went to the second set of stairs. I placed my hand on the railing as he started off into the bathroom.
“Oh I’m sure you’ll find something.”
I narrowed my eyes at his devilish grin as he closed the bathroom door behind him.
I hopped up the stairs and opened the door to my room.
What does he…
I glanced down at the bed and grinned at what I saw.
That bastard.