The Letters of an Autophobic

'Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
And you know you're never sure
But your sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight"

She was sound asleep in my arms. I kissed her forehead and smiled at my own personal angel. I picked her up; man she was too light for her age. It slightly worried me that I could possibly carry her home with one arm, but I decide to carry her the block down, bridal style. It was breeze at first, but I felt the heat as I neared her front steps. Nathan stood outside the door, arms crossed. He didn't look mad, just neutral. He opened the door and I brought her inside, settling her body on the couch. Nathan motioned for me to come outside with him.

"I'm guessing you're Gerard," he smiled.

"And I'm guessing your Nathan, her brother," we shook hands like grown ups.

"You want a coke? I'm thirsty," he asked.

"Yeah, sure."

We sat on the front steps talking quietly about his life, my life, and how Ellie's life effects us. It seems Nathan never talks to his friends about his home life and he keeps his problems to himself. He told me about them being orphans, living with their grandmother, Ellie's depression, and her trouble with society and school.

"I could never tell her how messed up I am myself," he sighed, sipping his pop, "She'd be even more scared if she knew that I was."

"Really?" I asked, "She wouldn't be glad she's not alone?"

He looked at me for a while, pondering my question,"Quite honestly, you may be right. However El has never had a strong liking for people before. I've always been a people person and she always shied away. I've been her protection ever since Mom died. I've been taking care of her. I don't know. We are twins, and I'm only older by twenty minutes, but I've acted as her male role model. So I guess I'm like a father and in turn, can't let that vulnerable side show."

"You're pretty deep and mature for your age."

"I try to be," he smiled.

"You've been really good to her Nate," I raised my can to him, "A real savior for pulling her out of her miseries and nursing her to health every single time. Seriously, props to you."

"You must not be too bad yourself Gerard," he nodded, "I hear her say your name when she's sleeping. Freaks me out sometimes since she's never spoken in her sleep ever since Mom's suicide. You better not hurt her Gerard, I don't know how I could fix that and I don't think I could ever not break you apart fully."

"So you're telling me if I leave her broken like shattered glass, I'll never have a body clear of cuts and bruises?"

"That's an affirmative."

"Well then, we won't have a problem. I'm never gonna hurt her and I'll never piss you off."

"I like you Gerard."

"Thank you, but I believe I'm taken by your sister."