The Letters of an Autophobic

The morning dawned on my quite harshly as I fell off the face of the earth.

or at least the edge of the couch.

I rubbed my forehead and squinted to find out where I was. Finally I understood that I was in my house, down in the frontroom. I heard some type of frying going on in the kitchen and the smell of hashbrowns.

"I love hashbrowns," I muttered to myself happily.

I almost tripped over the coffee table, into the wall, but safely made it to the kitchen and noticed Nathan cooking over the stove, flipping the hasbrowns and stirring them about with ease. I smirked and stared at the amazing man my brother is. He's such a ladies man, but he doesn't like to flaunt it. I could see him growing up with a family and a well paying job. He'd cook dinners just to entice his wife to some romanticism in the evening.

It struck me hard cold that I didn't imagine myself a future. It wasn't brightly shining like Nate's. I rubbed my eyes and opened them up widely to get used to the overly shining bright winter sunshine. I noticed I was still in my clothes from last night and gaped at myself in horror. Now everyone will think I'm a slob. I walked out of the kitchen and spirnted up the staircase. I flung clothes about our room; finding something to wear.

I grabbed some loose jeans, a purple tank top, and a lime green shirt with stars and hearts sporadically around itself. After giving myself a quick washing, I ran back downstairs and slipped my etnines on. I threw my Jack Skellington hoodie on and slid into the kitchen, eager for breakfast.

"Morning Nathan!" I yelled happily.

I must've scared him since he jumped in place, "Woah! Um, good morning Elyssa."

"You made my favorite," I pointed out.

"Well you haven't been eating much so I decided you would at least eat this," he explained as he shoveled half the pan onto my plate, "Dig in."

As I started to eat and Nate was drinking some tea, the doorbell rang. I started to scoot my chair back, but Nathan held his hand up for me to stop.

"I'll get it," he smiled, "just eat."

I shrugged and started to eat my taters. I heard a big hello from what sounded like Frank and I was guessing Mikey wasn't far behind. It's when I heard his voice greet Nathan, my stomach flipped. I didn't know he was coming! I swallowed down my food too quickly that I started to cough.

"OH NO SHE'S DYING ON US ALREADY GEE!" Frank hollered as he saw me cough, "CALL THE HOSPITAL!"

"Calm down will you?" Nate scolded, "Grams is sleeping upstairs."

"Sorry!" Frankie zipped his lips and smiled sweetly, "I have moments of energy that just slip right through me."

"You okay El?" Gerard bent down to look at me straightly.

"Mmhmmm," I mumbled, "I was eating too fast.."

"Good to know you're eating a more healthy lifestyle," he grinned.

"Yes I guess I should start working on a better life, right?" I chuckled sadly.

"As long as I can be apart of it" he whispered to me and kissed me softly on the nose.

"Oh gag me Gerard..." Mikey laughed darkly, "Hurry up Ellie; we're walking to school today with you."

"Do you mind Nate?" I looked at him. This is the first time I would be going to school without him right next to me...

"Actually, are you okay with it Elyssa?" he smiled warily taking my dishes and putting them in the sink.

"I think I will be," I reassured myself.

I grabbed my bag by the front door and my army jacket off the couch. The guys and I said good bye to Nathan and walked down the stairs. Life is better knowing there are other souls walking the same path with you. It's twice that sweet feeling knowing one other is inner twined with your life. I hummed gladly to myself and held onto Gerard's hand. His thumb rubbed against my skin and the electricity burned my flesh to my bones.

"I'm walking with you guys up to Monroe and then I'm heading off to the bus stop," Gerard stated clearly.

I felt a little bummed by the realization. He doesn't go to school with us; he's in college and there will be long periods of time where I won't see him. I looked up at him, verge of crying.. the crude feeling of lonliness welling up in my eyes.

He stopped, "What's wrong Ellie?"

"I forgot you have to go," my bottom lip was trembling. I hate it when I have no control over myself, "I won't see you."

The boys kept walking and left us with some privacy. Gerard twisted his arms around my figure and lured me into his warm body, "Ellie, I know it's hard, but we'll survive this. I'll see you on weekends and try to come in for evenings when I can."

"You won't forget me, will you?" I worried over the smallest things. I was stupid! How could he put up with my clinginess?

"Don't worry El," he brought his face to mine, "I will not forget you. I will love you forever and ever. You have nothing to fear anymore. You are not worthless in my eyes and I will keep you in my heart for as long as I still have it in my chest. You will get over this fear. You will conquer it and I'll see you at the end of it all. I love you."

I pecked him on the lips and squished our bodies as much as I could; suffocating my breath and his musky scent into one, "I love you too Gerard. I'll wait for you to come back."

"Don't let this interfere with making your lifestyle better. I want you to work on those grades." he laughed.

"You too mister," I stuck my tongue out at him, "work on those evil habits of yours."

"I'll try."

"Promise?"

"Promise."