Never Cover up What We Did With a Dress

My stomach churned as the phone rang. I waited to hear her voice.

"Hello?" Chesney whispered.

"Hey." I said sadly.

"Hey Manson. When are you coming? How did it all go?" She was whispering and I could barely hear her.

"Why are you whispering?" I asked, avoiding the questions. I didn't want to upset her.

"I'm in Lily's room, watching her sleep... Thinking of you... How you should be here..."

"Chesney I'm not coming back." I said quickly. I could almost hear the tears forming in her eyes, running down her cheeks.

"You... You're not?" She whispered.

"I'm not. I tried."

"How could you have possibly tried?" She snarled, "what has that women got you on a leash? I thought you could think for yourself. I thought you loved me and Lily. Is she more important to you than your own daughter?"

"No! Of course not! You don't understand, Chesney."

"What is there to understand?" Chesney yelled. I could hear Lily crying because she had been woken by Chesney's yelling. I couldn't listen to my own baby, it was killing me.

"She... she's pregnant. Dita's pregnant." I started crying myself. I hadn't cried for a long time, and I could hear Chesney forgive me, I heard her become affectionate and worried and kind toward me. She knew it wasn't my choice to be with Dita.

"Hold on sweetie." Chesney said lightly through the phone, "just hold on, I've woken Lily."

____________________________________________________________________________________

Ten minutes later, and Lily was back to sleep. I listened to Manson's crying voice and felt a hole in my heart grow. I wanted to be with him.

"So what's the difference?" I asked, "either way you're abandoning a child. Dita's only just become pregnant, anyway. You can miss the pregnancy."

Manson cried harder. It frightened me. I didn't like it when he cried.

"What's wrong honey?" I asked softly.

"I missed yours." He said quietly, "I missed you being pregnant with Lily."

"That doesn't matter now, Manson. Stop being upset about the past. Think about now, okay? What do you want to do? Honestly, what do you want to do right now?"

"I want to be there with you and Lily."

"And so you should be," I muttered, "but why aren't you? Why do you feel you can't come here?"

"Dita. And the baby. And the media, and my image, and everything I've worked for. Can you imagine what would be said about me? Leaving Dita and our baby for you and ours? It would be hell. You'd get hurt because people would start to despise you. Someone might even hurt Lily! And I can't be responsible for that."

"No one will hurt me or Lily, you don't have to worry."

Manson stayed silent of the other line, but I could hear his gulp for air unevenly, attempting to calm his sobs. I started to cry. My tears had been constant, silent. They picked up now.

"I'm so sorry, Chesney."

"I-I- It's okay." I stammered, "it's not your fault."

"But it is, it is." He said, "until I held our little Lily in my arms I though, fuck the media and the press... through the years I've shown everyone that the only thing that can affect me is women, love. That is the only thing that can destroy me. But I never thought about my freedom. I never thought about what puts a restraint on what I decide to do. And the bottom line comes to the fact that I have two women I love, two beautiful women, both having my children. And the only difference was that yes, I love you, Chesney, more. But then I realised that my home is here. Marilyn Manson and Twiggy and everyone is here. My life is here. And then I realised that the press had a hold on me after all. A minimal one that I couldn't care about, but they still influenced me. I want to be there with you, but no way can I be."

"So this is good bye?"

"Make sure Lily knows who her father is, and that he loves her and her mother more than anything, no matter what they do."

And with that, the line went dead, and I went back to crying, alone.