Never Cover up What We Did With a Dress

We waited for hours within the cold, unwelcoming hospital room. I was crying and Manson was silent. Consumed with total paralysing worry, we waited for the doctor to come back and tell us what we were desperate to know.

After what seemed like days, he returned, alone. Neither Lily nor any other nurses were present. My stomach felt queasy and chilled. I could barely look at him as he entered. Manson’s hand gripped mine.

“I’m sorry.” The doctor said, and my world sank. “Lily does in fact have acute bacterial meningitis. The membrane of her spinal cord has already begun to expand, and we fear that it may gradually pass into the membrane of her brain. We’ve started her on the strongest antibiotics we can administer her, but there’s not much else we can do right now. Lily will have to stay in hospital for quite a while in case there are any complications.”

I swallowed, unable to do anything else. I felt stuck. Manson began to ask questions.

“Will she get better?”

“It’s basically unknown the extent of her illness as of late. But, there are many defects that can arise from this illness such as hearing impairment, visionary problems, learning disabilities… a range of things. Most cases recover fully, and I’m very thankful you got here as soon as you could. This ensures a faster recovery. But I can’t guarantee anything. There are many complications associated with this condition.”

“So… is it good or bad?”

“It’s hard to say right now.”

“Can I see her?”

“Before you do, I need both you and Chesney to fill out some forms, seeing as at any time we may have to operate, administer other drugs… you know what I’m saying. We need your permission and details before we can properly treat her.”

Manson and the doctor left me alone in the room as they went to get the papers. He had asked me if I wanted to come but I didn’t move, so he left. I couldn’t describe what was going through my mind at the moment. My daughter could die? Her spinal cord was already swollen, which showed rapid progression. And all the side defects that could effect her later on in life? Hearing impairment? Visionary problems? She was a perfectly healthy little baby girl – what had gone wrong? Had I been too consumed by sadness because of my relationship with Manson that I was blinded to her being sick?

“Are you alright?” I heard Manson say from next to me. I hadn’t even noticed he had sat down next to me again. I didn’t answer. I swallowed hard, trying not to cry. I knew that if I did let the tears fall they wouldn’t stop. I studied Manson’s dark red nails as he scribbled information of the sheet that was resting on his knee. He was waiting for me to talk, but I couldn’t.

Suddenly he sighed, and stopped writing, turning toward me.

“Are you… having trouble answering everything?” I whispered.

Manson looked at me in the eye. His face fell and his eyes cast over with worry. Out of no where, his arms encircled me and I felt his body press against mine.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

Tears started to leak out of my eyes. I couldn’t stop them, as I had predicted. Manson held his arms on my shoulders and pushed me away, taking in my pained face from a distance. I knew he didn’t want to see me cry.

“Chesney, please don’t cry,” he said. “I know… I… this wasn’t meant to happen.”

“I know.” I whispered.

“I’m sorry for being so unfair toward you recently.”

Suddenly I remembered what I had been sad about for months. I remembered the way Manson had been treating me. I’m not going to forgive him for causing me so much pain just because our daughter is sick! Who does he think he is, hugging me and holding me and comforting me now? Why was he apologising after such a long time?

“Get off me.” I hissed. “Don’t think just because our daughter is sick that I’ll forget everything you’ve been putting me though.”

“Please don’t be like this!” He cried.

I stood up and turned to face him.

“Who do you think you are? Don’t tell me how to react. How would you like it? How would you react if I just, out of the blue, stopped talking to you? I hadn’t spoken to you for ages before this! You haven’t touched me until tonight. How do you think that makes me feel, knowing that you’re only with me now for Lily?”

“I’m not only with you for Lily.”

“Then why are you acting like this?”

“I… I didn’t mean to reject you… I certainly didn’t mean to hurt you either Chesney… I just couldn’t deal with everything.”

“Everything?”

“Demi, and Lily, and you wanting so desperately to get married, which I don’t want to do. Not ever again.”

Ice lodged in my throat, and I even forgot to defend myself by saying I wasn’t desperate to get married, because to be honest I had never asked, or hinted, or made Manson feel in the least like I wanted to marry him as of yet. But I know I certainly do want to some day. And here he is, telling me never again would he marry? He was blocking me out because he thought I wanted something that I wasn’t even thinking of?

“I never said I wanted to get married.”

“But you implied it, all the time.”

“I didn’t mean to!” I yelled. “I never even considered marriage until just then.”

“Please, don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying! I don’t want to marry you now!”

Manson sighed and looked away from me, his hand tightening around the pen he held in his hand. I felt tears trickle down my face. Why would he have thought that? And worse than that, why didn’t he speak to me about it? Surely that would have been the best solution? Was he angry with me for “implying” I wanted to marry him? Did he think I was insensitive about Dita?

“I think I need some air… or something…” I muttered, standing up and leaving Manson alone in the room. When I left his mouth was set in an angry, unwavering line.

When I closed the door behind me, I saw Lily’s doctor rush past me, his face serious and sweaty, flying into a nearby room. Fearing it was Lily, I rushed after him, all the while praying everything was okay.

As I neared the room, the blinds were being closed, but what I saw would haunt me forever.

Lily. Her body red, rash-covered, angry. But what was worse was the machine attached to her, showing an unmoving, steady green line.