Never Cover up What We Did With a Dress

I dropped the papers and stood there, shocked. What did this mean? What would Manson do being away from Lily like this? Why didn’t he tell me?

Suddenly anger pulsed through my body, making my muscles quiver and my heart pound. Why wouldn’t he have even mentioned a tour? I hadn’t even heard him talk to Twiggy or any of the other band members recently, let alone see them as we live in San Francisco. I was hit with a thought – what did I think Manson was going to be doing with Marilyn Manson? Had the fact that he was in a band escaped me? Did I think he wouldn’t stay on with it when he began living with me?

I was so deep in thought, I didn’t even hear the door open from behind me.

“What are you doing baby? I thought you were going to bed.”

I turned around to face him, so angry and betrayed I could barely look at him.

“Ches? What’s wrong?”

“I found these.” I said quietly, bending down to pick up the papers. I held them up so Manson could see them clearly.

I couldn’t see the expression on his face because I couldn’t bring myself to look in his direction. I stared at the floor, waiting for an answer, an explanation, an apology? I didn’t know what I wanted from him.

“I… I was going to tell you, but…”

“You were going to tell me?” I said, finally looking at him. “How could you not tell me when you first planned this? Why would you hide it from me?”

“Chesney, I didn’t mean to upset you, I just… you were so fucking depressed the past few months and I was feeling… disconnected to you so I called Twiggy and we got in contact with a touring company and we scheduled this tour with the others and…”

“You scheduled a tour to get away from me?”

“I wasn’t sure about… this anymore. I was just hoping that being away from you would make me sure again. But I am now, okay? You know I am now.”

“How can I know that now? No wonder I was fucking depressed all the time, I love you! I always have, and I have always been the one waiting around for you. It wasn’t my fucking fault that you stopped talking to me! How do you think that made me feel? I thought the only reason you were still with me was because of Lily. You hurt me so much during those months, and now I find out you’ve been hiding this from me?” I yelled, throwing the papers at him. “Why would you do that to me?”

“I didn’t know what I was thinking.” Manson said, walking toward me. “I’m so sorry Chesney.”

“Is it a real tour?” I asked, stepping back from him.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, is it just being planned, or is it being publicised and people are buying tickets now?”

“It’s… been planned, it’s happening.”

“I can’t even bring myself to look at you.” I said quietly. “How can you leave Lily like this? How can you leave me like this?”

“Chesney, I said I was sorry, there’s nothing else I can do!” Manson yelled. “Hundreds of people from around the world have bought tickets, I can’t take it back now! I don’t know what you want me to do, but I can’t possibly stop what’s going to happen, so you just have to deal with it!”

“It’s not my problem you promised that to people! I know you can’t take it back, but can’t you see what you’ve done now? Did you even think about what this would do to us? The press will come here and find you, and Lily and I will have to be caught up in that too! I don’t want my daughter to not have a childhood because of who her father is!”

“So you thought I’d just stop being who I am once I started living here with you and Lily, did you?”

“You are who you are Brian!” I yelled. “You’re who I’ve always known.”

“I’m not the same as I was when we were five, Chesney. I thought you would have been smart enough to realise that Marilyn Manson will always be my life now. With out my band, I am not who I have to be.”

“I don’t know what I was thinking, then.” I said, my eyes staring at the floor. “If you’re honestly going to leave me and Lily here whilst she’s still in hospital… clinging for her life… for Marilyn Manson, then maybe we should end this.”

“Are you making me choose between you and the band?”

“I’m making you choose between loving Lily and me and betraying us for something else that you could potentially love more, that will eventually split us apart.”

“That’s pathetic Chesney! You know I couldn’t possibly choose.”

“Well, it’s already coming between us and you haven’t even left yet! I am just trying to do what’s best for all of us, which is something you haven’t been thinking of at all, obviously. Lily could die at any moment! You’re going to go thousands of miles away from her, from your daughter when she needs you like that? You’re going to leave me to cope with the fact that she might not be here for much longer, alone? What happens if something goes wrong and you’re not here?”

Manson didn’t say anything as I walked past him, to the door of our bedroom.

“I can’t be around you right now Manson, I just can’t.” I said. “Lily needs people in her life who are always going to be there for her, and obviously, at the moment, you’re not going to be.” And with that, I walked through my door and out of the apartment, not knowing where I was going to go. Manson didn’t try to stop me.

________________________________________________________

Feeling the fresh San Francisco air hit my skin, causing it to erupt in goose bumps, was when the first of my tears started to fall. In reality, this was one of the biggest fights Manson and I had ever had, and it was different to the others because I was so vulnerable, because this time he knew I loved him more than anything. This time it was different because I was scared. I was scared of losing him again, and deep down I knew I would to some degree.

Getting in my car, I wasn’t sure where I was headed. I knew I needed to get far away from Manson, to prove to myself that I can be with out him, that I have before. I needed to think about everything that had been exchanged and everything that I wanted from Manson in my life. I had Lily, and I needed him to know that to me, she needed to have him in her life, not going off on tour when things got tough for him at home. I couldn’t believe that he would actually think of leaving her whilst she was sick, whilst it wasn’t even sure she would survive. I understood that touring was part of his life, I understand that Marilyn Manson is a strong priority for him, and as much as I wanted it to be out of his life so he could focus on me, I knew it was selfish and unreasonable. As his girlfriend, I know I should be supporting him, and I would, if only he didn’t lie to me.

I drove toward the bay, still unsure of where exactly I was going to go. I didn’t care. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. I wanted Manson and I to be happy. I was grateful I had him, but somehow there was a nagging feeling in my stomach, telling me that we just weren’t… right.

I parked my car near the beach, and sat in the front seat for a while, my eyes pouring out tears. I took in the sheer loneliness I felt, looking around the darkened atmosphere around me and realising no one was around. I closed my eyes momentarily, clutching onto the steering wheel tightly as more tears began to fall. I felt as if I were suffocating, each breath choking me tighter and tighter until it was almost too much to bear. I needed to get out; I needed to get away from all of this. But what could I do? I had nothing to help me.

I sniffled and opened my door, stepping out into the cold air. Wearing just Manson’s shirt and my jeans I had been wearing all day, my skin was like ice in the ocean’s breeze. I closed the door and went to the back, searching for a jumper. I found my leather jacket and put it on in haste, closing the door and locking the car behind me as I began to walk off into the cold, dark night.

It was nearing nine, and I was nearing the Golden Gate Bridge. I felt the urge to walk across it, to keep walking, away from Manson, away from everything. I also had a tremendous fear of heights, and had never walked across it before, but like alcohol, the pain in my heart was numbing me, making my brain unable to register the difference between good and bad.

I neared the pay booth, not making eye contact with the worker. I was worried he wouldn’t let me cross in suspicions that I might jump, and given my swollen eyes and mascara-stained face, I wouldn’t blame him.

“We’re about to close up here, love.” He said. “You’ll only have time to do a half cross, maybe not even make it that far.”

“That’s okay.” I whispered. “How much?”

I paid him, and as soon as I was out of his stare, I began running. Toward the middle of the bridge I stopped in pure fright, barely able to see down into the darkness of the hyperthermic water beneath me. I collapsed on the path, my back edging against the railing facing the water. My hands were shaking, both from the nerves and the harsh cold. Tears continued to flow from my eyes, making my cheeks numb. I watched the cars go by above me, wanting to know where everyone was going, hoping to join them and get away from here, from everything in my life.

“Ma’am? Ma’am, you have to get off of here, now.”

I ignored the foreign voice, just willing for it go and leave me alone.

“If you don’t start moving, I will have to call the police.”

I whimpered, my tears not stopping. Slowly I looked up at the man calling out to me, my eyes somewhat apologetic. His face softened and he moved slightly closer.

“Here, let me help you.”

His hand softly encircled my upper arm, helping me to my feet. We walked together slowly, back to the now closed pay station, and he let me go.

“Whatever it is, Ma’am, that’s making you upset, it’s not worth the pain. Life is something you can only enjoy once, so put a smile on that beautiful face of yours.”

And with that, the man walked off ahead of me, whistling while I slowly followed behind, unsure of where I would go next, my heart finally feeling as though it broke into two as his words sunk into my brain. I wasn’t sure if I could ever smile again.

I watched the man as he continued walking after locking the gates behind me, watched him getting into his car, watched him driving home to his family.

If only he knew.