Never Cover up What We Did With a Dress

I woke the next morning, wishing I hadn’t. Manson was practically passed out beside me. I removed my arm from his body and rolled onto my back, lying with thoughts swirling around in my head. I reached my hand over and touched his cheek to see if he was alive. He stirred, but didn’t wake.

The phone ringing pulled me out of my coma-like state. I stood up and answered it, praying for Manson not to wake up. I was dreading the conversation we were going to have so much.

“Hello?”

“Hi… Chesney? This is doctor Ron Myer, Lily is my patient.”

“Oh yes, I remember you. What’s wrong? Is she okay?”

“Chesney, I have some very good news,” he said. “Lily can come home today. I tried getting in contact with you and your partner yesterday when she woke, and I kept trying all day but I never got an answer… anyway, seeing as it’s close to six pm, we’ve been observing her all day yesterday, last night and all of today, and she’s breathing properly and everything by herself. It’s a miracle how fast she has recovered. I’d like you to come and get her as soon as possible.”

“I’m on my way, doctor. Thank you so much.”

I placed the phone back in the cradle and grabbed my coat from the door, taking my keys and leaving the apartment. I didn’t even bother to leave Manson so much as a note.

Arriving at the hospital, I was overcome with happiness. Lily was coming home. I would be holding her in a matter of minutes. I almost ran from my car to the desk outside her room.

“Excuse me,” I said to the nurse, “my name is Chesney Martin… my daughter Lily is in that room, and I am here to take her home.”

“Let me call Doctor Myer for you.” She said.

While I waited, I cast my thoughts back to my apartment, to Manson. He was probably still asleep, lying alone and damaged on the tiles. The coke he took last night would still be on the sink. I would be bringing my baby into that environment, that toxic environment that is only harmful to her because of him. I would be a bad mother to keep her in such a place.

“Chesney! Good to see you.” I turned to see Doctor Myer standing in front of me.

“Hi.” I said, smiling weakly. It almost hurt to have to fake so much.

“Now, Lily will be free to go once you sign the papers at the desk. I need to tell you, it is so important to keep looking out for her when she’s at home. That goes for her breathing, to her temperature and skin. It’s unlikely, but it can reoccur if not properly monitored, and due to Lily’s age, it’s less likely that her body has formed immunity to the illness. Now, I am going to refer you to a rehabilitation centre and contact your physiotherapist for at least a month or two from now. Also, take Lily to get a vaccination for meningitis to help prevent the reoccurrence. Okay? I have a prescription for some medication that will aid in her recovery, but other than that just sign the forms and you can take her home! I’ll be in her room getting her ready for when you’re done.”

“Okay, thank you.”

I turned to the desk and filled out the forms required to take her home, all the while feeling detached from what was happening around me. I felt like I was underwater.

When I entered her room, my heart was beating so noticeably I could hear it in my ears and around my head. I rushed over to her and took her from the bed.

“Lily!” I said, holding her to me tightly. I kissed her head, and she closed her eyes in the warmth of my arms.

“Thank you so much, Doctor Myer.” I said to him as I began leaving the room. “Thank you for saving her.”

I left the hospital, strapping Lily into her car seat, and dreading opening the apartment door.

***

Manson was still passed out on the floor. I watched him in something similar to pity. Then I was overcome with a strong feeling of bitter disgust. How could he be so immature and stupid? But I loved him, I knew I did, because looking at him made me feel sad, and above that I still felt butterflies in my stomach and my heart race when I watched him.

I held Lily to me for as long as I could, leaning against the door, watching him. Lily began to stir in my arms and I knew I had to take charge and make her feel better. I carried her into her bedroom, and with my free arm, I tried to drag her crib into my bedroom, failing miserably. I gave up and looked through her cupboard, preparing fresh clothes for her.

I took Lily into the bathroom and carefully laid her on the floor. I grabbed the cocaine on the sink and threw it into the toilet, scraping the rest off the sink into my hand, dissolving the powder under water when washing my hands and the credit card Manson had used to cut lines. I then ran a warm, shallow bath, and placed Lily in it, my arm supporting her. Tears pricked at my eyes when I watched her. She wasn’t giggling and kicking at the water like she usually does. Instead her lay, almost death-like in my arms as I cleaned her.

The tears began to fall properly as I dressed her, careful not to touch the cuts on her back along her spine and on her head from the surgery and tests they had to do on her. I learned to ignore the big bandage like cover on her throat from the machine that helped her to breathe.

I kissed her forehead.

“I almost lost you, baby.” I said to her, tears leaking down my cheeks. “I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you.”

Freshly dressed and very tired, I took Lily out of the bathroom and toward the kitchen, so focused on her that I forgot Manson was still laying on the ground by the kitchen. I heated up some milk for her, holding her against me as I watched Manson from the kitchen. The microwave went off, and the beep made Manson wake.

I fed Lily as I watched him open his eyes. He looked around the house vacantly, only looking into the kitchen when he eventually sat up.

“Lily?” He whispered. I turned away from him and walked into Lily’s room with her, closing the door behind me. I could barely look at him now he was awake and able to talk. It wasn’t going to be easy telling him I am taking Lily and leaving him in the morning.

He walked into the room as I placed her in her crib.

“She’s really back now? For good?”

“Yes.” I replied, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Chesney, I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t care, Manson. Nothing you say can change what happened.”

“I know that.” He said. I looked over at him, his face was screwed up in what looked like pain.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, immediately regretting it.

“My arms. My head.”

“Huh,” I said. “No wonder, considering what you did to yourself last night. Not that you could feel anything, considering you were so fucked off your face that you thought it’d be a good idea to take coke again.”

His face registered what I was saying, and I saw him collapse slightly inside.

“Chesney… please… I know I promised you, I know I did, but I… I just wasn’t thinking, I mean I… please, I’m sorry.”

“I can’t have Lily around that. Ever.”

“I know, I understand that.”

“Obviously you don’t.” I replied. “You promised me. And you broke that promise. You need help, Manson.”

“No, I don’t! It was a once of, you know that. I wouldn’t ever deliberately expose Lily to that.”

“But you already have.” I stated. “Look at you. You’re a mess. Look at your arms. There has to be at least 50, deep cuts. Do you know what you put me through last night? Do you realise that I thought you were going to die on me? I can’t be around this anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t keep letting you hurt me like this.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying, when you wake up tomorrow morning, Lily and I won’t be here anymore.”

“Chesney, come on, you can’t do that, you’re not serious.”

“Yes, I am. I can’t have her growing up around you when you’re like this.”

“Like what? I haven’t done anything wrong!”

“Look at your wrists!” I screamed, walking over to him and pulling up the sleeves of his jumper. He cried out in pain at my touch on the mutilated flesh. “She can’t be around you when you can do something like that to yourself.”

“I only did it because I thought I lost you.”

“Well now you have.”

“Do you not want me anymore? Is that it? Is that why you’re trying to ruin me?”

“Of course not!” I said, tears pricking in my eyes. Lily started stirring, but didn’t wake up because of how sedated and tired she was. I walked out of her room, and Manson followed, closing the door behind us.

“I love you, Manson, I would never try to hurt you if it wasn’t for your own good.”

“How is you and Lily not being with me anymore helping me?”

“You’ll realise.” I said, “you’ll realise that you need to change if you want to have other people in your life.”

“I have changed.”

“No, you haven’t.” I sighed, closing my eyes momentarily to capture the tears that were about to fall. “You are an amazing person, really, you are. If Lily weren’t here, I probably wouldn’t be doing this. You have to understand, Manson. You live for yourself, I’ve always known that and I still know it now. You don’t want to change for anyone, and deep down you know that you never will. Your lifestyle, the drugs, the touring, the deceit, the mood swings you have… me putting up with it because I love you is one thing, but placing Lily in the middle of everything will impact her negatively when she gets older, and I can’t stand by and let that happen. She won’t remember any of this. You can’t change, Manson. You’ve tried all your life and you just can’t do it, because you’ve never really seen the point to it, and I know that better than anyone. So let us go. I can’t possibly ask you to change who you are for me… and I never will. You have to realise it yourself.”

“Chesney I’m sorry. Please don’t do this. I need you more than anything, please.”

“Don’t say that,” I whispered, unable to stop my tears from falling. “You’ve managed perfectly with out me in the past.”

“You can’t do this, Chesney. You can’t just take my daughter away from me because... because you’re mad.”

“No Manson, you know that’s not why I am doing this. I’m doing it because you’re a suicidal drug addict, so don’t try and turn it around to make me seem selfish!”

“You are being selfish! How can you leave me like this if you truly believe that’s what I am?”

“How could you have kept a tour from me? How could you have almost killed yourself in front of me? How could you start doing drugs again despite what you promised me? What you’ve done is worse.”

“I know it sounds bad, and it is, but… Chesney we’ve been through so much together. Is it really worth throwing everything away because of some mistakes I have made?”

“You don’t get it.” I whispered. “I’m doing this for Lily. Not for me, and not for you.”

“You think she’ll benefit from not having a father?”

“No. I think she’ll benefit from not being around drugs and self-harm.”

“I promise I will change, Chesney.” His voice was shaking, and I had to look away from his eyes as tears formed. I cried silently, ignoring him. “Please.”

“Manson, please stop it.” I said softly, turning and walking toward Lily’s bedroom to check on her.

“You can’t leave here when she’s sick like she is now.” Manson said from behind me, and I knew he was right. I ignored his obvious logic and sat on the floor by Lily’s crib. “If you have to be away from me, I’ll leave. But don’t risk her health again.”

“You shouldn’t be the one to move out if I initiated it in the first place.” I choked, sobs now rising in my throat. Manson came into the room and sat in front of me, looking directly into my eyes. I looked away out of shame. How could I do this to him?

I felt his arms wrap around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. I cried there for what seemed like forever, feeling so utterly safe in his arms that I didn’t want to move. I knew I had to. He kissed my forehead.

“I’m sorry, Chesney.” He said, barely above a whisper. “If you give me another chance, I promise I will do everything I can to make you happy.”

Lily began to stir, and suddenly her screams echoed around the room. I couldn’t move; I was so numbed after everything that had happened in the past twenty four hours. Manson stood up and picked her up out of her crib, walking up and down the room with her in an attempt to soothe her cries, all the while his face expressing the pain of having pressure put on his arms. Despite everything, I could see how much he loved her. She stopped crying when he kissed her forehead and I could hear him singing very softly in her ear.

For the first time since I had found Manson last night, I started to reconsider leaving the man I loved.