Never Cover up What We Did With a Dress

“I’ll miss you.” I said through tears, embarrassed at my public emotion.

“I’ll miss you more.” Manson said as he kissed my lips.

Lily stirred in my arms, pushing against my body in an attempt to be put into Manson’s arms. She wanted to crawl everywhere, and occasionally she could walk whilst holding onto some furniture. Lily was developing perfectly, and Manson and I could not be any happier. Although today was clouded with sadness and longing, as Manson was leaving for his tour in a matter of minutes.

“Da!” Lily cried as I stepped away from Manson.

“Daddy has to go Lily.” I said to her. “Say goodbye.”

Manson looked at me as I wiped away the tears from my cheeks, stepping closer to me and embracing me in one final hug. He was so much taller than me, my head came to his chest, and I hid myself against him. The others waited patiently for Manson to say goodbye to us. He kissed my forehead and I tilted my head in order to kiss him properly. I handed him Lily so he could say goodbye to her.

She grabbed onto his shirt and closed her eyes as he held her against him.

“I have to go now Lily.” He said to her. “Be good for mummy, and don’t cry.”

Lily was handed back to me, and with one more kiss Manson began to take his bags and walk away.

“Say bye-bye Daddy,” I told Lily. “Bye-bye.”

She looked at me and then to Manson’s deteriorating figure, chirping her soft version of goodbye, and waving her little hand. Once Manson was out of sight I sniffed and held Lily tightly, beginning to walk toward my car.

He would be back for a show in San Francisco in two months, after touring Europe and America. I could honestly say it was going to be so hard to not have him here with me. We had talked about him leaving the night before, our bodies entangled in one another as we savoured the intimacy.

“I don’t want to miss her growing up, you know?” Manson said. “She’ll start walking and talking soon… I mean two months is a long time when you consider how quickly she’s picking everything up. I want to be there with you for everything.”

“I know,” I said, kissing his chest as I cuddled closer to him. “It will be fine.”

“I already feel bad enough missing her pregnancy.”

“Stop it.” I said, “there’s nothing you can do about that now, you know that. Lily won’t hold it against you, I’m sure. Anyway your fans need you just as much. Don’t you miss it? Going onstage and having people there that would die for you? You have to do this anyway. It’s your job, and I’m unemployed right now.”

“You’re right baby.” He said, kissing my head. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

I closed my eyes as I stopped at a red light, my mind wondering to thoughts of the future two months. I guess it would be a good opportunity to look after Lily; however I was worried that she would lose her connection with Manson… and I was worried at how she would cope with out him. She followed him everywhere and craved his attention every second of the day.

I pulled into my car space out the front of the apartment, and got out of the car, walking to the back seat and un-strapping Lily. She began to grizzle as I held her against me and closed the door, her hands reaching over my shoulder as if she wanted something in the car.

“Da!” She cried, beginning to sob. “Da!”

I was totally shocked at her ability to realise Manson wasn’t coming back for a while. I have dropped him at many places before and she hadn’t acted like this. I held her out in front of me and looked into her eyes. Her face was red and her eyes were pouring with tears.

“Shhh, baby it’s okay.” I whispered in her ear, holding her against me and proceeding into the apartment. She continued to cry and I started to get a little nervous. “Please stop crying honey.”

I placed my bag and keys onto the table by the door and walked with Lily around the apartment, bouncing her up and down in my arms and rubbing her back softly.

“Mama!” She cried, pointing to mine and Manson’s bedroom. “Da?”

“Daddy’s coming back soon Lily.” I told her, hugging her close and kissing her cheek as she began to settle down. “You’ll see him soon baby. Only a few weeks.”

“Mama,” she said again, this time quietly as she surrendered against me and grasped my shirt in her hand. She has stopped crying as I jiggled her against me, knowing it was time for her nap, and that all the crying she had done would have made her extremely tired.

Walking into her room I placed her in the crib, watching her as she eventually fell asleep. I turned on the baby monitors and left the room, beginning to do normal household things like the laundry, cleaning, and preparing lunch. It had been two hours since she’d been put to sleep, so I was aware that Lily would be awake soon. I walked toward Manson’s studio, breathing deeply when I opened the door. Tears pricked at my eyes when I realised just how long he would be gone. I closed the door almost as soon as I opened it, not ready to face it yet. As if on cue, Lily woke, and I went to see to her. A sudden wave of nausea hit me just before I reached her door. Without thinking I ran into the bathroom and was sick. I didn’t understand why, as I fell against the cupboards in a heap on the floor. I ignored the voice in my head that told me to be worried, and went to calm Lily down and reintroduce her to the world.

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A week and a half later, and the sickness was becoming relatively normal. Lily was playing with some toys on the floor as the phone rang. Butterflies rose in my throat and stomach as my thoughts wondered to who it may be.

“Hello?” I asked.

“Hey baby,” Manson’s voice greeted me. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay.” I lied, not wanting to worry him. “What about you? How is everything going?”

“I’m fine… I miss you,” he said. “The tour is going great, I forgot how much fun it actually is.” His laugh pierced my ear drum, and I began to feel quite agitated. “I decided I’m taking you to France sometime soon.” He said.

This time I was the one who laughed. “I’m sure you will.”

“How’s Lily?”

“She’s good.” I said, my eyes watching her as she continued to play, picking up one of her dolls and chewing on it. “She’s chewing everything in sight and taking every detail of the world in, but she’s good. She misses you, you know. Maybe more than I do.”

“I find that hard to believe.” He chuckled. “I miss her too. I miss you both. Just seven more weeks.”

“Yeah, only.” I scoffed. “Well I better go… I’ll talk to you later, I love you.”

“Okay. I love you too.”

With that I hung up, threw the phone onto the couch, and ran to the bathroom, just to be sick again.

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“Come on baby.” I said to Lily as I picked her up. “Mummy has to take you to get yourself checked up on.”

Lily was grizzly today. It seemed as though she’d woken up on the wrong side of her crib. Today was the third check up she’d had since being released from hospital, and the doctors said that due to her age, she’d probably have to go at least once a month for a year. I was just so glad that she was okay. Manson and I needed her. Lily was my reassurance that we would be together forever.

I packed her into the car and I sat in the driver’s seat, my diary on my lap as I checked the appointment for today, making sure I had the time right. What I saw made me gasp. Three week ago? The little star on the date that reminded me of my monthly friend was scheduled for three weeks ago. How could I not have noticed the signs? I was shocked with myself for being so oblivious. Could it be? I turned around and looked at Lily as she smiled at me widely with her new teeth and babyish grin. I smiled back, and turned toward the front again. Was I pregnant again?

My mind was plagued with the thought as I drove to the centre. Did I want to be? Would Manson want me to be? Were we ready for another child? I didn’t know what to do. The thought to call Manson crossed my mind, and as I sat idle in the car park, ten minutes early for the appointment, I reached into my bag to get out my phone. Something stopped me. He had been utterly crushed when he missed Lily’s pregnancy. I couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t be shattered for missing at least two months out of this one could I? And what would it do to his performances?

I carried Lily inside and waited until we were called, deciding to get a test on the way home, and to make a doctors appointment for myself.

All the while I wondered – what would Manson do?