Never Cover up What We Did With a Dress

“Mr Manson, we think your wife is suffering from some phase of schizophrenia.”

I didn’t correct her as she mispronounced Chesney’s title to me. I was too upset to even grasp what she was saying.

“I know this is very hard on you, and it is on Chesney as well, but right now we need to focus on getting her better.”

“What…” I cleared my throat to override my shaking voice. “What do you think we need to do?”

“Well we’ve started her on very light medication, due to her current condition, but as of yet we’re not quite sure if she is in phase one, two or three. All we know is that it is most likely a type of schizophrenia, called paranoid schizophrenia.”

“What are the chances of her fully recovering though?”

“It’s extremely unlikely that she will ever fully recover, schizophrenia is a very complex and difficult to treat mental illness. We have to talk to her more, and treat her, before we can fully make an assumption on her health. However we can’t start her on proper, strong medication until her pregnancy is over.”

“What if she wasn’t hallucinating though? What if someone really was chasing her?”

“She was in the bed when you found her. She said she fell down the stairs and lost your baby. But really, you and I know that she is still very much pregnant. This is a typical case of paranoid schizophrenia. We will try our hardest to help her, I promise you, but for now we need to sort out the other situation.”

“What are you talking about?”

“If she keeps her child, it will be at least ten months until we can treat her properly, and even then, a newborn child needs it’s mother, and we can’t have the baby here in hospital in case it interferes with her recovery, or if she tries to harm it.”

“Chesney would never agree to get rid of it.” I said, disgusted at what the doctor was trying to say.

“It’s her health or the baby’s. To her the child is already gone.”

“No, I won’t do that to her. If she gets better and finds out I had a part in getting rid of our child for her, she’ll hate me forever.”

“Let me put this into perspective for you, Mr Manson.” The doctor told me firmly. “The longer we put of treatment, the worse she will become. If the baby is exposed to this medication for long periods of time it could cause a miscarriage, a stillbirth and even mutations and defects when it is finally born. Even if we keep her here on low medications it could harm the child. She could harm the child by having another episode if that happens. We have to look after her.”

“And I have to look after my child.” I said.

“Exactly.” She sighed. “Look, I’m not asking you to make the decision right now.” She said. “But think about it, and please think about it long and hard.”

“When can I see her?” I asked.

“Now, I suppose, but not for too long.”

She stood up and I followed her with out any words being exchanged between us. I was nervous to see Chesney, in fear that it would confirm the possibility of the doctor speaking the truth. There were barely any warning signs for this. She was the strongest person I know, it couldn’t be true.

We stopped by a door in the psychiatric ward. The doctor turned to me.

“Listen, she’s been having some psychotic dreams and hallucinations where your other child, Lily, has been killed somehow - and both you and Chesney have been blamed for the death. So if Chesney does mention that, just remember it’s a dream.”

I closed my eyes tightly; afraid that tears would leak from them. So maybe it was true then. I still couldn’t let myself believe it.

“Hey baby.” I said to her as the door opened and I was allowed to enter.

She was sitting in the corner of the room, looking out of the tiny barred window on the opposite side of the room. She looked weak, small. Her skin was pale and marbled, her hair was unwashed, and her eyes were rimmed with the traces of sobs. She was so much skinner than normal.

“I didn’t mean to.” I heard her whisper. “Don’t come near me, you hate me now.”

“No, I don’t hate you.” I said. “I never will hate you.”

The room filled with silence. Chesney didn’t move. She stared out of the window.

“I know why I’m here.” She said. “I’m sorry.”

I moved closer to her slowly, as if I were afraid. It suddenly crossed my mind that she possibly didn’t even know she was pregnant. Was I permitted to talk about it? I didn’t know what to do. I felt as though if I touched her she would break.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Chesney.” I whispered, lowering myself down to her level, sitting beside her against the wall.

I didn’t touch her and she didn’t touch me. Again silence filled the room, and I felt close to tears. This wasn’t the person I fell in love with, this wasn’t the person I grew up with. This woman was a stranger, a lifeless stranger.

“I miss Lily.” She said. “I wish I could see her.”

“You can.”

“Yes, when I’m dead as well.”

“Chesney, Lily isn’t dead…”

“Stop it.” She said. “She is. And you just got out of jail. Why can’t they let me go?”

“They will, eventually.”

She turned to me, and her eyes lit up, as if she remembered something.

“I was pregnant when you were on tour, you know?” She said. “I didn’t know if I should tell you, because I didn’t want you to be upset. I was waiting until you came back. Now it doesn’t matter though.”

“Ches, you still are.”

“I missed you. A lot.”

“I missed you too.”

There was a knock on the door. The doctor stepped inside.

“Mr Manson? You’ll have to leave in two minutes, okay?”

“Okay.” I said aggravatingly.

“Don’t go.” Chesney whispered, still not coming closer to me, staring out of the window. “Please don’t go.”

It scared me to see her face so blank, her voice so emotionless and yet so utterly desperate. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t watch her deteriorate into nothing. This wasn’t Chesney. She needed help, and I had to figure out how to get it to her.

I decided to be bold; I didn’t know how long it would be until I saw her again. I put my arm around her and drew her closer to me, trying not to retaliate against the iciness of her paled skin.

I wanted to cry as she stayed like a rock. She did not melt into my embrace like she always had. I kissed her cheek, hoping for some sort of emotion from her... anything. Just something to show me she was still Chesney.

“Please don’t go.” She whispered again, staring out of the window.

“Mr Manson, I’m sorry, but it’s time to leave now.”

This time it was a nurse who entered the room. The doctor must have gone off to treat another person, to inform another family, to dissect someone else’s brain.

I slowly stood up, my heart breaking with every inch I moved away from her.

“Bye Chesney.” I said to her quietly, not wanting to upset her anymore than I had to.

“Manson don’t go.” She whispered. “Please.”

“Come on,” the nurse said, clearly seeing this happen before. “Best to go straight away, I say.”

I felt terrible as I turned my back on her.

It took all I had to not cry at that moment.

As I left the room, I turned around to close the door, and the light from the rain stained window reflected a single tear fall down Chesney’s cheek. Yet she remained still, quiet, staring out into the world she no longer knew.

****

“Sure, we can take her for a while.” Demi said, taking Lily from my arms.

Demi’s eyes looked like Chesney’s had in the hospital. She hadn’t stopped crying for Chesney since after the day she was admitted into hospital.

Tony appeared from behind her.

“Hey man, do you want to come in?” He asked.

“No, I need to get going. I’m visiting Chesney’s brother in Santa Barbra to fill him in on what’s happened.”

Tony leaned forward and whispered something into Demi’s ear, and with a faint goodbye, she turned around and entered her apartment, my child in her arms.

“How are you feeling?” Tony asked me when we were alone.

“As well as I can be doing, alright? Look I have to go, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Don’t do anything stupid Manson. You have Lily to look after now.”

I didn’t answer him, and instead I left him standing in the doorway, getting back into Chesney’s car that I was illegally driving with out a licence. Right now I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to Santa Barbara, I was going back to my home, but I had to make a stop off first.

If Chesney could see what I was doing at this very moment of time, she would probably never forgive me. But as I pulled up to the street corner at the arranged time, I was just reassured with what I was doing. Chesney wasn’t here, Chesney was gone, and only time and luck would get her back to me. Until that day that seemed almost impossible, I was just trying to cope the only way I knew how to.