Never Cover up What We Did With a Dress

It had been two days.

Two days since I found Manson, and two days since his death had become official.

Tabloids swarmed around the city in search of me, in search of Chesney, in search of Tony and Lily – anyone or anything that could explain and tell of Manson’s sudden death. I don’t know how they knew so quickly.

The only problem was, I hadn’t told Chesney yet.

In fact, no one had – that was why I was here, in her doctor’s office, at the psychiatric hospital, with Lily in my arms.

“I know it’s not a good idea, but I honestly don’t think we can leave her here, asking about him – wanting him, looking forward to seeing him when she is released.”

“There is absolutely no doubt that she needs to know, and soon. The only issue is, if she crashes and has another episode due to her grief she could harm the child, and it will set her recovery back for possibly even years.”

“I understand that.” I swallowed, unable to keep tears from forming in my eyes. “I don’t know what to do… I’m sorry but…”

The doctor moved around her desk and knelt down beside my chair. “It’s alright, Demi, you can tell me anything.” She said. “I understand how hard things are for you, one of your best friends has died, you have to look after their child, and your best friend is mentally ill… you have every right and reason to be crying right now.”

I nodded and sniffed, sitting up straighter in my chair. “Thank you,” I mumbled. “As much as I don’t want to, doctor, I think I have to tell her.”

“Are you sure you want to do it?” She asked. “I can, or have a nurse tell her, or…”

“No, I have to tell her – I have to be there for her with Lily.”

________________________________________________________________

I was let into her room, butterflies swarming around in my stomach.

“Lily!” She screamed, jumping up and running over to me.

I watched with tears in my eyes at how much her face lit up, conveying happiness within her I had only dreamed of seeing these past few months. She spun Lily around in the air above her, held her against her in her arms and kissed Lily’s forehead. I could see just how much she had missed her. Suddenly she turned to me, and I saw her grip on Lily tighten.

“Why are you here? What’s wrong?” She asked immediately. “You have Lily here, I’m not allowed to see her… I was told she couldn’t visit me… so something must have happened. What is it? What’s happened?”

“Chesney I’m so sorry,” I sobbed. “I tried to help, I should have known…”

“What?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Just tell me!” She cried. “Is it Manson? Is he okay? Where is he?”

“Chesney you need to calm down, please.” I whispered. “I think it’s best if you sit down for me to say this.”

“Sit down!?” She screamed, I backed away from her in fear. “What has happened? Tell me now.”

“If you give me Lily I’ll tell you, I promise.”

“No!” She scried hysterically. “Tell me now what has happened to him!?”

“Please, calm down,” I tried to settle her but I knew she would not stop hysterically demanding the truth from me if I didn’t give it to her.

I swallowed, tears leaking from my eyes and spilling down my cheeks. I knew how much she loved him, I knew how much he meant to her and how much he was her fuel to get better, to get out of here. Chesney was expecting their second child, he was going to propose to her… I was breaking her heart, I was ruining her life by telling her what I was about to say.

She relaxed, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall and holding Lily against her in her arms, sitting on her lap. She had tears pouring down her cheeks and I knew she knew what I was about to say.

Almost silently she whispered, “tell me. He’s dead… isn’t he?” Her voice broke on the word dead, and I swallowed, nodding as my tears became heavier.

“Yes… I found him.”

Chesney nodded, sat up and stopped crying. She handed Lily to me and turned back to the window, looking out of it as she stood there.

“You have to take her.” Chesney said to me. “You have to take her from me and never give her back.”

“Chesney what are you talking about?” I said through tears. “Why aren’t you crying? What’s wrong? Talk to me.”

“Demi, listen to me,” she said, turning around and looking at me straight in the eyes. “You need to take Lily. You need to sell my apartment, and you keep the money. I know how much you and Tony want a baby, and I know you can’t have one… so, please take her. I know you will be the best parents for her.” She turned from me. “I love her, you know I love her…” She said, closing her eyes and sniffing to hold back her tears. “… but you know how much I love Manson. He was my oxygen, my blood, my pulse, my reason to live. With out him I can’t do this. I can’t live for myself, let alone two children once I leave here. Every time I look at them I’ll be reminded of him… of us, of the time we had together and of the future we never had the chance to live together… I couldn’t do that. Please, do my family a favour and look after Lily. I can’t provide for her – every time I look at her I will be reminded of him, reminded of our happiness… I couldn’t do that.”

I was too shocked to speak. “What about the baby you’re expecting? What will happen to it?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “But I do know, that if I do have it – it’s yours as well. I’m giving you something that I could never dream of having again – happiness. Please, please live for us both. Look after my babies.”

“Why are you talking like this Chesney? You’re not going anywhere.”

“No… but I could never be myself again. My children need me and now I may as well be dead.”

“Chesney do not talk like that. You’ll get better and you’ll come out and you’ll go on living, you’ll be happy again. You’ll take both of them back and live your life.”

“I will.” She said distantly – and both of us knew she was lying. “Of course I will.”

With that she gave me a faint smile, licked her lips and turned back to the window.

I left with out another word, Lily in my arms, my face coated in tears.

______________________________________________________________

The funeral was today.

I was allowed out of the hospital for three hours, under the supervision of my doctor and Demi, to say good bye to the man I never got to marry.

“Hi Chesney.” Tony said to me as I saw him enter the marquee in the garden in which I was holding the funeral.

“Hello,” I whispered, finding it difficult to talk.

“Look… I know this is bad timing and all, but there’s something I have that belongs to you,”

I looked up at his face, utterly confused at what it might be.

“He was going to propose to you the night he returned from tour… but everything happened so quickly, there wasn’t a chance…” Tony look away and his hand moved around in his pocket. I was stunned, tears poured uncontrollably from my eyes as he produced a midnight blue velvet ring box. “Manson was going to give this to you… It’s your engagement ring. He would have wanted you to have it.”

“.. Tony…” I sobbed, unable to contemplate what this meant. It was too much, this ring symbolised everything we could have had.

It was my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten sick and ruined both of our lives. Manson killed himself because of me – because I put him under too much pressure, because I pushed him too far, because he loved me and I had hurt him by getting sick.

I turned away and walk to the front row of the marquee, sitting beside Demi and Manson’s mother.

“Chesney dear,” Barbara said to me. “I haven’t seen you for years.”

She engulfed me in a warm and comforting embrace, and I melted into her, just as Manson would have done years before.

“I wanted to say thank you,” she sniffed. “You bought him back to life. You got him off the drugs and you gave him a beautiful baby girl… but mostly you made him happy, and I can never thank you enough for that.”

I hugged her tighter and cried onto her chest, pulling away eventually with a small smile. Tony sat down with Lily on his lap, and passed her across to me. I held her against me, smelling her soft hair, holding her so tight I was surprised she didn’t cry. This was the last time I would be holding her as he mother, if not at all. After this I was meeting with my lawyer at the apartment before returning to the hospital, signing over full custody of both my children to Tony and Demi, if they decided to take it.

The funeral commenced, and I didn’t decide to do a speech. I felt too guilty and sad and just unable to string words together to equate how much I loved him and what emotions I felt. However, Manson’s mother and father, Twiggy and the band, and Tony did all speak of behalf of the man we loved so much.

“… as I finish talking about Manson, I would like to invite everyone up here.” Tony said, and it was clearly constructed in a rehearsed way, as Demi, the band, Manson’s parents, and some of our childhood friends stood up in front of me on the stage, behind Manson’s casket. “She was too sad to speak today – but on behalf of both Chesney and Manson we would like to pay respects to them both. To their relationship. Time was not on your side, but Chesney, you bought Manson back to life, you pulled him away from the drugs and showed him how to love and be loved. Together you had a beautiful child that will forever remind us of Manson living on with us, despite the fact that he is not here anymore. For as long as I’ve known him, you were part of his life, you helped him through the bad times – but you showed him the good. We will miss you, Manson – and we will miss the utterly magical connection you two had with one another. And, with that said, we hope to move on and live for you within ourselves.”

I stood up, Lily still in my arms, sobbing so much I had a pounding migraine and I could feel the blood rushing to my face, making it red. Everyone up on stage engulfed me in the biggest group hug I had ever been apart of.

“We love you Ches.” Demi whispered in my ear. “We’ll look after Lily don’t you worry. Focus on getting better.”

I nodded, moving over to Manson’s casket and placing a photo of me and him in the opening. I decided to have a closed casket, not wanting to see him as a lifeless person. I wanted to remember the good times, not be confronted by the end of it all.

Kneeling down beside the coffin, vandalising the black wood with tears, I whispered…
“I’m sorry I didn’t say good bye in front of everyone, baby, but I’m just not ready yet.” I coughed from the alarming amount of tears that were leaking from my eyes. “You know how much I have always loved you – and you know I won’t stop loving you either. Lily will be here to live on for both of us, baby. Don’t hate me for what I’m going to do. Just know that I want to be with you, wherever you are, and maybe this will bring us closer…” I looked down at Lily in my arms. “She loves you. I hope we can watch over her forever. I’m sorry for causing your death, you have no idea how much I hate myself for being sick. I hate myself for everything. I ruined this, but I’m going to make it better, I promise you.”

With that, I placed Lily closer to the coffin and made her mimic me as I kissed it goodbye. With that, I stood, walked toward Demi, and gave her Lily.

“I’m going back to the hospital now,” I told her. “I love you.”

“I love you too Ches, stay strong.” Demi said, embracing me. I hugged her so tightly, taking in her smell, her curves, the familiar person that was my best friend.

I looked around in search of my doctor, and seeing that she had disappeared into the bathroom, I made a run for it, to the car park where I took an awaiting taxi back to my old apartment I shared with Manson.

The lawyer was already there when I arrived.

“I’m so sorry for being late,” I said. “I was at a funeral. Let’s go inside.”

I moved into the building, sitting in the lobby as I refused to go into the apartment. My will comprised of a note I wrote, explaining how much I loved each and every person on the will. I decided on handing all of mine and Manson’s personal items to Lily, my apartment to Demi and Tony as well as Lily and all her things.

The lawyer left and I knew I did not have much time before it was discovered where I went. Skipping out on my doctor was not a smart idea, but I wasn’t going to be around much longer to deal with the consequences.

I ran up to the apartment, opening the door and coming face to face with reality. The dreams I had of the future crashed down around me as I went toward my bedroom. On the way I stopped in Lily’s room, taking in everything about her that I would miss. My baby. I loved her more than life itself. I reached into her crib and took her favourite blanky, knowing she never slept with out it, knowing it smelt of her and the innocence I would never again have.

Leaving her room, I went into my bedroom where it would take place. I drew the blinds and lit the candles that smelled like Manson’s shampoo. I grabbed a photo of my family – Manson, Lily and I – and changed into Manson’s favourite shirts, lying on the bed next to Lily’s blanket and the photo.

The pills were in the draw beside the bed, and I knew someone who had taken there and had a pain free death. Just like falling asleep. Her mother had told me at the funeral. At least she went gracefully.

I opened the bottle, and pill by pill I remembered.

One.
I met you as I moved into Ohio. It was a warm summer’s day, and I remembered what the grass felt like between my toes as I entered my house. I could see you looking at me through the window, and I remembered thinking how much I wanted to talk to you.

Two.
The first swing of alcohol we swallowed, unable to stop coughing and laughing at one another as we tried to mask our innocence.

Three.
That time I fell in the locker room and everyone laughed at me because my pants split, but you took off your jumper, despite the jocks laughing at your scrawny and pale figure, to tie it around my waist and stop me from hurting.

Four.
When I failed my maths exam in year 11, and you cut up the maths exam into little pieces with notes on the back of each piece saying how dumb maths is.

Five.
When you left Ohio and I cried every night for three months.

Six.
We had fought a lot, but we had become best friends. I remember when you protected me against John when I didn’t want to kiss him in the field.

Seven.
When I moved to Florida and met you again, and when we went to Disneyland together with Twiggy and Trent and threw slushies at all the little kids and got kicked out.

Eight.
The first time we tried cocaine together and ended up streaking on the main street in Miami. We were arrested and I’d never laughed that hard or been that scared in my lfie.

Nine.
When I lost you to fame and had never felt so depressed or lost.

Ten.
Having Lily and bonding in the most amazing way.

Suddenly I was unable to think of anything else as my eyes closed and I started to drift away.

I’ll miss you Manson.