Mental Fiction Follows Me

A/N: I’m going to be skipping around a lot, so I thought I’ d give you a little warning. Syd left on October 8, and I’ll let you know the dates as I go along. And remember that everything written in red is Sage talking, and everything written in purple is Lillian talking.

October 22, 2008

Dearest Brian,

How is everything going there? You have no idea how much I miss you guys. I’d rather be on a packed tour bus than hear any day. It’s hot and smells like old socks. And Brian...I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared to even breathe sometimes. I’m scared of what’s waiting for me out there. I’m scared of the things I might have to do. I’m just...scared. I was never this scared before. As bad as it sounds, I’ve never had anything to live for.

If I had died last time, would it have mattered? You and Mom would have made it without me. I mean, you had already made it ten years without me. But if I die now, I’ll be leaving so many people behind. You, Mom (oh Brian, you should have seen her face when I told her I was leaving), the girls, the rest of the guys, and Jimmy.

Ignore my babbling. I just haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve got to get up early, and I’m supposed to be asleep now. I’ll talk to you again soon. Tell everyone I said hi and I miss them. I’d write everyone a letter, but it’s time consuming and lately I don’t have much time.

Love,
Syd

PS: Tell Matt he’s not getting the sunglasses back, because they now belong to me. Mwhahaha!

Days passed and blended together. I couldn’t tell one day from the next. I got up, did what I was told, and fell back into my bed exhausted. Some days I showered; most days I ate. Time stretched on and it felt like I’d never go home. This was my hell, and I was condemned for all eternity.

November I, 2008

Jimmy,

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write back. I’ve been so tired lately, and it doesn’t feel like I’m getting any sleep. I know that’s not a good excuse, but it’s the only one I’ve got.

I’m glad to hear that the tour is still going well. I’d do anything to be there, hanging out with everyone and acting like an idiot. My cast finally came off (I told you they made me have one, right?), so I’ll be back into the real active duty soon. So, don’t panic if you don’t hear from me. This heat and the clothes I have to wear can really pull me down. I talked to my superior today. My release date is October 9, 2009. I’m already counting down the days.

There’s not a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t miss you. When I fall asleep, I dream of waking up in your arms. I know we didn’t know each other long, but I feel like I left a piece of myself with you and I won’t be whole until we’re together again. I miss you so much, Jimmy. You’re my reason for getting up and finishing this. I’m here just so I can come home to you.

Love,
Syd

“Haner!” My head snapped up, and I quickly shoved the piece of paper into the envelope. The address and everything was already on it, so I didn’t have to worry about that. I licked the appropriate places and sealed it shut, and I handed it to the man who had previously yelled at me. He stared down at the envelope and then looked over at me.

“Got a boyfriend back home, Haner?” he asked.

“Something like that,” I said. He pulled something from inside his shirt and handed it to me.

“Well, your boyfriend or something like that sent you another letter,” he said and pushed the envelope into my chest. My fingers curled around the worn envelope, and the sloppy scrawl definitely belonged to Jimmy.

“Thanks, sir,” I said and walked over to my bunk. I sat down on the hard mattress and opened the envelope. A letter fell into my waiting hands, but that wasn’t all. Something small and circular fell onto my palm, and I stared down at it in amazement. I turned to look at the letter, and I soaked in its words.

Syd,

I know you haven’t written back yet, but I couldn’t wait anymore. I know this is sudden, but it feels right, you know? I’m sure you’ve already seen the ring by now, so I think you know where this is going. I’m going to say it anyway. Sydney, when you come home, will you marry me?

Love, forever and always,
Jimmy

My eyes watered as I re-read his words, and I slipped the simple gold band onto my ring finger. I felt like a small piece of me had been returned, and I smiled as I stared down at it. The gold looked perfect against my tanned skin, and I hurried to get another piece of paper.

Jimmy’s POV

“Jimmy!” I turned towards the yelling and saw Aiden running towards me at top speed. She had an envelope in her hands, and I felt my heart give a small flutter. I had gotten Syd’s letter yesterday, and she didn’t say anything about the ring. So I figured she hadn’t gotten that letter yet. Aiden stopped in front of me and handed me the envelope, and I instantly tore it open. The piece of paper only had one word on it, and it took up the entire page. It was enough to make me yell and starting searching for Brian. Written on the sheet of paper, in Syd’s handwriting, was simply: YES.

Syd’s POV

Consciousness came slowly, and I struggled to sit up. My head was pounding, the sun was glaring, and what was that smell? Every muscle in my body screamed as I pulled myself into a sitting position, and I had a strong urge to throw up. The sun was so hot and beating down on me, and I could still smell something. Something horrible. I looked around, but the sun was so bright that I couldn’t see anything. I closed my eyes and gently rubbed the lids, and then I opened them again. Sand, sand, and more sand. Far off in the distance I could see smoke billowing, but other than that, nothing. It was just me. But that couldn’t be right, because I had been with a team. At least, I think I had been with a team. At the moment I could barely remember who I was.

”Come on, Syd! Get your head together!” Sage yelled. I squinted against the deafening noise and couldn’t think of a reply.

”Sydney, you have to focus. This is important. Focus, Sydney, focus,” Lillian said softly.

“Focus, okay. I can do that,” I said out loud. My voice sounded unsure.

”What’s the last thing you remember?” I shook my head, as if to get rid of all the cobwebs, and tried to think.

“Jimmy asked me to marry him, and I said yes.” I looked down at my left hand, and the small gold band gleamed up at me.

”That was over a month ago!”

”Hush! What do you remember after that?” I tried to focus and think It felt like my brain was literally going to pull itself apart, and then I remembered Christmas. I was allowed a webcam that one particular day, and it was the happiest I’d been in a long time. Looking into a computer was nothing like looking into someone’s eyes, but it was close enough. I closed my eyes and tried to remember.

”Merry Christmas, Syd!” My shaking fingers covered my mouth as I laughed, and I could feel my eyes tearing up.

“Merry Christmas, everyone!” I yelled back.

I talked to everyone that day. All of my girls and all of the guys. Brian had even gotten Momma so that I could talk to her. Then Jimmy and I had talked. We talked about the tour, what I was doing, and mostly about what we were going to do when I got home. We had talked for over an hour, undisturbed and uninterrupted. Then I had to go, and it was over. I had cried later that night. I remembered hat very well. It was the kind of crying where you don’t make any noise. I just cried and sobbed without making any noise; keeping all my pain to myself.

”Then what?”

“Then...January second. Routine stuff. Then...nothing.”

”Do you remember the whole day or just the outline? Details, Syd! Details!”

“Details, right.” I struggled to focus and remember, and I got the same feeling of my head exploding. There was a sharp pain right behind my right eye, but I kept pushing myself. I was about to give up, when I finally remembered.

”Haner! You go that way and see what you can find.”

“Yes, sir!” I called before walking in the direction he had pointed to. There were a few buildings, and that’s what we were inspecting. I had been told to check the outside perimeter, away from all the buildings. That was fine with me, because I didn’t exactly like being around them. Too many bad memories. The place might have looked deserted, but looks can be deceiving.

I had went pretty far out and was about to turn around and go black when I heard the first blast. No, that wasn’t right. When I felt the first blast. It pulsed through my body, and I felt the vibrations go through every cell in me. My legs moved without being told to, and I ran. I ran away from all the abandoned buildings that reminded me of bad things and into the sprawling desert. I heard a few screams behind me, but I didn’t turn around. I felt another pulse ripple through me, and my knees buckled. Sand flooded my mouth, and I spit it back out. I brought my arms up and began crawling.

There were a few more explosions and screams, but I never looked over my shoulder. I just continued to crawl. After a while I had the strength to get back to my feet, and I began to run again. Finally I could barely see the fire that licked at the now dark sky, and I let myself fall back to the ground, unconscious.

My eyes scanned the horizon and I could see the smoke again. It had been an explosion, and I knew that I was alone.