Mental Fiction Follows Me

Syd's POV

"This makes me appreciate simple appliances," I said as I wrung-out another shirt. Julie was letting me wear some of her clothes, so it was only fair that I help her with the laundry. Usually doing the laundry means putting some clothes in the washer and walking away. Not out in the desert! Nope, laundry here means dipping clothes into a small tub of water and ringing them out. And repeat. It's not that bad though. I think every bratty kid in the world should have to do this for a couple of months, and they'll learn to appreciate their washers and driers.

"Different subject. How many tattoos do you have?" Julie asked.

"Individually, I'm not so sure. Let's just say both arms, the back of my neck, and the center of my back. So, three," I said.

"Come on. Let's take a break and you can show me," Julie said. I wrung the shirt out one more time and draped it across the wooden tub, and then I followed Julie. She sat down on a blanket, and I sat down beside her with my back to her. I lifted it up past my shoulders and pointed to the tattoo in the center of my back. I didn't need a mirror to remember what it looked like. I could easily remember the skeleton's grin, the grin that completely contradicted the halo above its head. One wing resembled a bat's wing, while the other was an angel's wing.

"This I got on a dare, my second year in the army. It was something a friend of mine had drawn up, and I lost a game of darts. So, I had to get a tattoo. It was my very first one." What my friend hadn't known, was that the tattoo represented me perfectly. My dark side (Sage) and my sweet side (Lillian).

"It's beautiful, in its own dark way," Julie said.

"I guess so. The one up on my shoulders is my cousin's band's logo, and then my name above it."

"Does the logo have a name?"

"Yeah, it's called a deathbat."

"A deathbat?"

"Yep. I tried to get Brian to make the logo a bunny, but he wouldn't do it."

"I'm sure it'd mess up their image."

"Probably." I pulled my shirt back down and turned so that I was facing her. Julie rubbed her hands together and looked down at my arms, and I gave her a wide smile.

"It's like a History book on your arms," Julie said as she picked up the left one and looked at it.

"It's six different wars. The American Revolution, the Civil War, and World War I," I said and looked down at the arm Julie was currently holding.

"And this one?" Julie asked and began examining my right arm.

"The top starts with World War II, then the Vietnam War, and lastly our current war, The War On Terrorism," I said.

"Magnificent, but I'll look more later," Julie said. I watched as she jumped up and dusted off her clothes. I stared to rise, but Julie's hand shot out and landed on my shoulder. She held me in my place, and I gazed up at her. Her blue eyes studied me as she smiled.

"I want to help."

"And you will. How about singing for me?"

"How's that helping?"

"It just is. Please, Sydney, for me?" She used my whole name, so I sighed in resignation. I nodded my head at her request, and Julie walked back off to the wooden tub. I wracked my brain for something to sing, and the only song lurking in my head made me want to laugh. It was so ironic, yet somehow perfect. I cleared my throat and began to sing.

He said "Son, have you seen the world?
Well, what would you say if I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you'll even get paid."
I said "That sounds pretty good."

My recruiting officer had actually said, "Tell me, child, do you want something more out of life? With us you'll be able to see the world." At the time, it sounded pretty good.

Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright...

I hated boots after the first month. I hated the way they gleamed, but then I missed the clean boots after being stuck in the desert for so long.

They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight

I had loved my haircut. I missed my long hair for a little while, but the chin-length hair suited me. Over time, I missed the marching and singing. I still had my friends by my side though, so it was okay.

A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me...

That's what Danny had said. He had been ecstatic to learn that we were going to war. He loved the thought getting revenge on those who had attacked us, and he knew we'd return home as heroes. He had slung his arm over my shoulders and pulled me to him and said, "Think about it, Syd. When we come back, everyone will be so proud of us. We'll be hometown heroes."

I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust

The American flag...the best flag. I remember during our training days, I'd look up at our flag and my heart would swell with pride and love.

I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and friends

How many times had we gotten an order like that one? How many times had we dragged people from their homes? How many times had we pulled families apart? How many times did I have nightmares because of the things I'd done? How many times had I stayed silent?

They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again

My team had never done any unneccassary cruelty, but there were stories. Other soldiers boasted about the things they had done. I disapproved, but I kept my opinions to myself.

A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damned proud of me...

Out of my entire team, I was the only who made it home. All of the others might have been heroes, but what's the point if you don't live through it?

I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust

How many aching families were out there, with sons and daughters who had carried their flags to their graves?

She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away

That had happened only once. It was never easy to get a kill-order, but it was even worse when you saw your victim's eyes. When they walked towards you, hands outstretched. Pulling the trigger was an automatic response...

The shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow

She had fallen onto her back in the sand, the rest of her family laid behind her. Her blood had stained the sand, and she had been unarmed.

A hero of war
Is that what they see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me

The scars on my ribs and back felt like they were on fire, and a vision of Momma floated behind my closed lids. I could see the back of her neck, with the waving American flag and my name. She had been so proud of me.

And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it's a flag that I love
It's the only flag that I trust

I saw Momma again, but this vision was much different. She sat in front of an empty grave, because there were no bodies to be found. A flag that had been carefully folded was clutched in her hands as tears fell from her eyes.

He said, "Son, have you seen the world?
Well what would you say, if I said that you could?"

I felt tears slipping from between my closed lids, and I wrapped my arms tightly around myself. I felt Julie's arms wrap around me, but I didn't turn to hug her back. I continued to cry silently, thinking about all the wrong I had done.

"Shh, Syd, everything will be okay. Everything's going to be okay," Julie said as she started to rock our bodies. I twisted and buried my face in her neck. I got my mouth close to her ear and began to whisper the end of my favorite song.

Forgive me for my crimes;
Don't forget that I was so young
Fought so scared
In the name of God and country...

"Yes, Syd, you'll be forgiven. You'll be forgiven for everything you've done, and rewarded for the goodness in your heart." I finally held onto Julie and cried harder.