Mental Fiction Follows Me

"You'll never make it out alive, Sydney. It's only a matter of time..." I jumped at hearing the whispered words, and one of my hands instantly went to my heart. I could feel the frantic beat of it against my shirt, and it wasn't even a thin shirt. It was one of Jimmy's old cotton band tees. I could feel another pulse in my throat, and my skin felt tight and tingly.

"Syd? You alright?" Jimmy's voice sounded raspy and hoarse, and I wanted to do nothing more than turn over and kiss him until my lips went numb.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's still early, go back to sleep," I said quietly. I pushed some hair away from his eyes, and I felt better the instant my fingers touched his skin.

"What about you?" Jimmy asked. He was still half-asleep, so it came out as "Wha' 'bout ew?"

"I'm going to take a shower, and then go for a little walk. I'll bring some lunch back for you and Devin," I said. Jimmy sleepily nodded his head, and I placed a light kiss on his jaw before rolling out of bed. I went ahead and grabbed some clothes before walking into the bathroom, and then I groaned as I pulled my sleeping clothes off.

The shower was cold and soothed my burning skin, and I let myself think about the nightmares. Ever since returning home, I'd had basically the same nightmare. The sandman was always there, yelling and taunting. Lillian and Sage were always there too, but they were no longer in my head. Sage and Lillian had two very distinct voices, but I had never given them a face. The two women in my dream were them though; there was no doubt about it.

The two women were always tied back-to-back and sitting on the sandy ground. Lillian's blonde hair was cut to her chin and looked like a halo around her pale face. Her blue eyes were always filled with tears as she gazed at me. Sage's hair looked wild, as if she had been struggling and messed it up. Lillian's hair was short and straight, whereas Sage's was long and wavy. Her dark green eyes looked just as wild as her mahogany hair, and it looked as if she was begging for me to do something. Anything.

Sometimes Danny was there, standing just behind Sage and Lillian. He looked like he did when I first met him, and he still had that young arrogance surrounding him. His blue eyes were bright with mischief, and he was always smiling at me. For a second I always wanted to smile back, but then I saw Sage and Lillian again.

I'd go to take a step forwards, but I'd never be able to. I'd fight and struggle, but I'd never get anywhere. Then I'd always get the bright idea to take a step backwards, and that's when all the bad stuff would happen. I'd step back into a black hole. The blackness would turn into smoke, and then smoke would clear. Women were never allowed on the front line, but that's always where I was. The sandman was leading an army of sandmen, and I was all alone on my side. Sometimes all I'll think about is, it's only a matter of time...

The first time I'd had this particular nightmare, the first night I had moved in with Jimmy, I had screamed bloody murder. My scream had scared Devin and upset him, and he had wound up sleeping with us that night with his arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I haven't screamed since then. I don't know how I stopped myself from screaming, but I did. I've been home for a month now, and I'm still having the nightmares.

I quickly slid on my black shorts, and I didn't realize what shirt I was wearing until I looked down at it. Jimmy and Devin had come home one day, and Devin had pushed a cloth ball into my hands. When I straightened it out, my heart had given an extra hard beat and I almost cried. It was a very simple shirt, but it meant the world to me. It was white and said in bold black letters "#1 Mom". I wore it all the time. I threw my hair into a messy bun, and I pushed some money into my pocket before walking out of our bedroom. I grabbed my sunglasses off the hallway table, and I pushed my feet into some flip-flops before walking out the door.

I didn't have a set destination in mind; I just wanted to walk. The sun was just starting to come up, and I loved watching the new sunlight bathe the sidewalk I was walking on. There were very few people on the streets, and some people waved at me as they opened up their stores and shops for the day. I smiled back at them and continued walking. I stopped at a small cafe for about thirty minutes to have a cup of coffee, and then I stopped at another little place and had a huge helping of pancakes and bacon. I stayed there for another thirty minutes, and then I started walking again. Somewhere at around eleven o'clock, I realized where my feet were taking me.

I was standing outside the cemetery gates of one of the local cemeteries. It wasn't just any cemetery though. It was the cemetery where my memorial was; the memorial I had yet to see. I stepped into the graveyard and turned towards the right. I walked straight down until I got to a certain point, and then I turned left. Jimmy had told me exactly where my memorial was, but I just hadn't been able to go and actually see it. I walked past the other headstones, and I paused a little bit away from where my own memorial was supposed to be.

There was a woman standing in front of it. She had bright blonde hair that spilled over her shoulders and fell down her back. She was a small woman, with very subtle curves. She was dressed in all black, and her shoulders were squared. For a second, I thought about walking away. Then I decided to continue walking, since it was my memorial. I stopped directly beside the woman, but she didn't turn to look at me. I kept my gaze focused on straight ahead. I wasn't ready to look directly at the memorial yet.

"Were you a friend of hers?" The woman's voice was quiet and sounded very familiar.

"Something like that." My voice came out normally. It wasn't quiet or loud, and my southern accent was still there. I felt the woman's eyes on me, and I slowly turned to look at her. Warm brown eyes met mine, and a tan hand was raised to her trembling lips.

"You're alive," she whispered.

"It's very nice to see you again, Mrs. Lutz," I said.

"Kaitlyn. Please, call me Kaitlyn."

"Kaitlyn," the name sounded foreign on my tongue, "what are you doing out here?"

"What are you doing alive?" Kaitlyn asked.

"I survived. Whoever came to look for us, didn't see me. I walked around the desert for a while, until some people found me. I just came back a month ago. So, what are you doing out here?" I asked again. Danny's wife, Mrs. Lutz, Kaitlyn, looked over at me and smiled.

"I heard about what happened, but I never came out here. I've been in California since yesterday, and I have to leave here within the next ten minutes to make my plane. I needed to come here, just one time."

"I'm sorry you came out here for nothing." I felt Kaitlyn's fingers wrap around mine, and I looked over at her again. She tugged on my hand a little, so I turned my entire body to face her. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me.

"I owe you so much, Syd. Danny loved you, and I know that you loved him. I felt like you were part of the family. Danny even talked about all of us having a real Christmas one year," Kaitlyn said with a shaky laugh. Her words caused my eyes to burn, and I wrapped my arms tightly around her.

"I think that'd be nice," I whispered. Kaitlyn pulled away from me, and she smiled at me.

"I better get going now. If you're ever in Texas, come by and see us," Kaitlyn said.

"If you're ever back in California, come see me," I said. She nodded her head, and we said one last goodbye. I turned and watched as she walked away, and then I finally looked down at my memorial. The stone was a dark gray, and there inscription was very simple:

Sydney Haner
September 11, 1981 ~ January 2, 2009
Fought in the name of God and Country

It was very simple, but still perfect. It's exactly how I'd want my memorial to be, if I really had died over there. A few tears slipped from my eyes, but there wasn't any sobbing. I was oddly happy and at peace. A sudden warmth filled me, and I felt like everything was going to be okay. I felt like nothing could hurt me, and my life was perfect. Everything was perfect.

"You got that right. Everything is perfect."

"Agreed. Jimmy and Devin should be up by now."

"And knowing those two, they're probably hungry," I said out loud. I gave my memorial one last look, and then I turned around and walked away.

*** __***__***

"I'm home!" I yelled as I kicked the front door close. One hand was holding onto a plain brown paper bag while the other balanced my sunglasses and a bottled coke.

"Momma!" Devin yelled right before he slammed into my legs. I laid my sunglasses and empty bottle on the small table next to the door and bent down. My free arm caught Devin around the waist, and I threw him over my shoulder. All of that working out really helps, since Devin loves getting thrown in the air.

"Did ya miss me?" I asked as Devin continued to kick his feet.

"Yep! Daddy tried making breakfast, but he burned the toast," Devin said with a little giggle.

"It's okay. Momma's got you covered." Devin let out a loud "yay!" right as we walked into the kitchen, and Jimmy turned around to smile at me. The smell of burned toast littered the air, and I felt my nose wrinkle slightly at the smell of it. I walked over to the table and sat Devin on top of it, and he smiled up at me. I was still getting used to seeing him without one of his front teeth.

"I know I've been trying to get you two to eat healthy, but I thought one little slip-up on a Saturday wouldn't hurt," I said and pulled a small white bag out of the huge brown one. Devin's face lit up at the sight of the McDonald's logo, and quickly turned around to guard his food after I gave him the bag. I let out a light laugh and ruffled his already messed up hair before walking over to Jimmy.

"Good morning," he said, still sounding half asleep.

"Good afternoon," I replied and handed him the second bag. He took it from me and then tossed it onto the counter behind him. I started to ask him what he had done that for, but he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my body close to his. I instantly pressed myself against him and leaned my head against his shoulder.

"How was your walk?" Jimmy asked. I could feel his hands moving across my shoulder blades, and I knew what was coming next.

"It was very...eye-opening," I said quietly. Jimmy's hands picked at my hair until he got the hairband out, and my hair fell down to my hips. Now, when I first met Jimmy, my hair had been to my shoulders and perfectly straight. Now, it was to my waist and very wavy. Jimmy says he prefers it this way, and I've missed my long hair.

"I was worried about you, after you left," Jimmy said, burying his hands in my thick hair. I let out a small sigh before replying.

"There's nothing to be worried about, hun. You know that."

"You had another nightmare, didn't you?" Jimmy's voice was so low that I barely heard him, and I knew it was because of Devin. Even now he got worried about something happening to me or Jimmy. I reluctantly pulled my head away from Jimmy's shoulder to look into his eyes.

"Yes, but I don't think I'll be having any more," I said honestly.

"Why is that?" Jimmy asked.

"It's just a feeling," I said with a wide smile. Jimmy smiled back, and I leaned up on my toes to touch my lips to his. Jimmy's fingers tightened in my hair, and I brought my hands up to grip his shoulders.

"Eww!" Devin yelled. Jimmy and I slowly pulled apart to look at Devin, who smiled innocently and went back to eating his fries.

"The good stuff always gets messed up," Sage grumbled.

"Oh, hush. Being sneaky is the fun part," Lillian said.

"Lillian!" Sage and I said at the same time. Thankfully, I only replied inside my head.

"What? I can be a little naughty sometimes too," Lillian said. I couldn't help myself, I laughed. Devin was too busy playing with his fries and new toy to notice, and Jimmy looked down at me with a knowing smile. Yes, life was perfect.