Without You I'm Nothing.
If I only could make a deal with God;
The harsh, bright light burned my eyes into my skull as Lee wrenched back the curtains. I immediately cowered, covering my eyes with my hands. I managed to just about block about my vision but it wasn’t enough; I knew that the sunlight was still there, still burning into me, still gleaming smarmily over my body. Why did he have to open them? I hated the sunlight.
It wasn’t a case of heat. This sun wasn’t a hot, yellow sun; it was a cold silvery winter sun. It wasn’t about the warmth the sun gave off. It was the light.
Apparently not satisfied with ripping the safety of the dark away from me, Lee now started to yell at me. What he was yelling I barely knew, I couldn’t hear... I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to know. My neck hurt. My head hurt. My body ached. I was cold.
He grabbed my hands, pathetically trying to shield my eyes from the sun, and tugged them away, making me moan in anguish and screw my face up, closing my eyes again. He started to scream at me, words and words making sentences that I couldn’t comprehend and didn’t want to.
I didn’t like this. I didn’t like Lee when he was doing this. I didn’t like the way my body felt. I didn’t like the cold light seeping in. I don’t like day.
“JAMIE! JAMIE!” I heard my name. My eyes flickered open blearily and I stared blankly at Lee, who was screaming at me to wake up, to listen to him. But...I...couldn’t... I didn’t want to.
A whine escaped my lips and I tried to squirm away from his grip, not liking the tight restrictions of his hands on my wrists.
I didn’t understand why he was doing this to me.
I thought he loved me.
“JAMIE!” Lee screamed once more. His voice ripped through the air, shattering my aura and reverberating around the inside of my skull. I hated it. I couldn’t take it. I stared into his cold blue eyes as he held my wrists and felt tears begin to form in my eyes and slip down my cheeks.
Lee’s gaze instantly softened and I felt the grip on my wrists lessen, letting my hands be freer. He moved his hand to my cheek and stroked it, wiping tears off, whilst making soothing noises.
He took hold of me round the waist and pulled me into his lap, holding me securely. The cold light was still here but I somehow felt safer, less afraid in his arms. The dull ache throughout my body and especially my neck remained, making me keep my eyes closed, my head collapsing onto his shoulder.
My lover held onto me, kissing my hair once lightly. Now he wasn’t screaming it wasn’t so scary, though my tear tracks remained sticky upon my face to remind us both.
“Come on baby.” I heard Lee’s voice become slightly more distinct. He was trying to tell me something, trying to say something to me. I tried hard to listen to him and ignore the storm in my brain.
“Come on angel,” he said softly. “Come on darling.”
I opened my eyes and looked at him fearfully. I didn’t know what he wanted. I hoped desperately he wouldn’t get angry again.
“It’s okay, Jame,” He promised me. “Just tell me what you took this time.”
I opened my mouth and wavered slightly.
“I... nothing.” I whispered the very word. Lee didn’t like drugs.
“C’mon hon. Jamie, babe, I know you have. Just tell me.” His voice wasn’t unkind or upset. Not yet, anyway. But I knew he hated them. I knew he must hate me for doing it even though I said I wouldn’t any more.
“Pills,” I whispered.
“Ecstasy?” He questioned me, his expression carefully unreadable.
I nodded.
“You’re sure? Is that it?”
“That’s all I took... I was drinking too...” I was quite amazed inside at how clear my words were managing to come out.
“You’re sure they were just E’s?”
“I... dunno. What else are they gonna be?” I mumbled. I didn’t like it any more. I didn’t want my body to hurt any more. I wanted things to be clear again.
“Jamie, babe... you and I both know that anything can be in a pill. Anything."
I just looked at his chest, playing with his necklace a little bit, my breathing much steadier than it had been earlier.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
“You shouldn’t apologise to me for this,” he murmured, brushing his lips against my forehead. “I just want you to be okay. That’s all I ever wanted.”
It wasn’t a case of heat. This sun wasn’t a hot, yellow sun; it was a cold silvery winter sun. It wasn’t about the warmth the sun gave off. It was the light.
Apparently not satisfied with ripping the safety of the dark away from me, Lee now started to yell at me. What he was yelling I barely knew, I couldn’t hear... I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to know. My neck hurt. My head hurt. My body ached. I was cold.
He grabbed my hands, pathetically trying to shield my eyes from the sun, and tugged them away, making me moan in anguish and screw my face up, closing my eyes again. He started to scream at me, words and words making sentences that I couldn’t comprehend and didn’t want to.
I didn’t like this. I didn’t like Lee when he was doing this. I didn’t like the way my body felt. I didn’t like the cold light seeping in. I don’t like day.
“JAMIE! JAMIE!” I heard my name. My eyes flickered open blearily and I stared blankly at Lee, who was screaming at me to wake up, to listen to him. But...I...couldn’t... I didn’t want to.
A whine escaped my lips and I tried to squirm away from his grip, not liking the tight restrictions of his hands on my wrists.
I didn’t understand why he was doing this to me.
I thought he loved me.
“JAMIE!” Lee screamed once more. His voice ripped through the air, shattering my aura and reverberating around the inside of my skull. I hated it. I couldn’t take it. I stared into his cold blue eyes as he held my wrists and felt tears begin to form in my eyes and slip down my cheeks.
Lee’s gaze instantly softened and I felt the grip on my wrists lessen, letting my hands be freer. He moved his hand to my cheek and stroked it, wiping tears off, whilst making soothing noises.
He took hold of me round the waist and pulled me into his lap, holding me securely. The cold light was still here but I somehow felt safer, less afraid in his arms. The dull ache throughout my body and especially my neck remained, making me keep my eyes closed, my head collapsing onto his shoulder.
My lover held onto me, kissing my hair once lightly. Now he wasn’t screaming it wasn’t so scary, though my tear tracks remained sticky upon my face to remind us both.
“Come on baby.” I heard Lee’s voice become slightly more distinct. He was trying to tell me something, trying to say something to me. I tried hard to listen to him and ignore the storm in my brain.
“Come on angel,” he said softly. “Come on darling.”
I opened my eyes and looked at him fearfully. I didn’t know what he wanted. I hoped desperately he wouldn’t get angry again.
“It’s okay, Jame,” He promised me. “Just tell me what you took this time.”
I opened my mouth and wavered slightly.
“I... nothing.” I whispered the very word. Lee didn’t like drugs.
“C’mon hon. Jamie, babe, I know you have. Just tell me.” His voice wasn’t unkind or upset. Not yet, anyway. But I knew he hated them. I knew he must hate me for doing it even though I said I wouldn’t any more.
“Pills,” I whispered.
“Ecstasy?” He questioned me, his expression carefully unreadable.
I nodded.
“You’re sure? Is that it?”
“That’s all I took... I was drinking too...” I was quite amazed inside at how clear my words were managing to come out.
“You’re sure they were just E’s?”
“I... dunno. What else are they gonna be?” I mumbled. I didn’t like it any more. I didn’t want my body to hurt any more. I wanted things to be clear again.
“Jamie, babe... you and I both know that anything can be in a pill. Anything."
I just looked at his chest, playing with his necklace a little bit, my breathing much steadier than it had been earlier.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
“You shouldn’t apologise to me for this,” he murmured, brushing his lips against my forehead. “I just want you to be okay. That’s all I ever wanted.”