I'm Not Bulletproof

“Alexi?” I say quietly from behind the bathroom door. I feel really bad for doing nothing. I mean, he was the one who flipped out on me.

“One second,” he replies. I hear a cacophony in the room. I wonder what he is doing. I think of the worst. What if the things I wrote in my journal made him…you know, harm himself. I don’t think I could live with knowing that I have emotionally hurt someone.

I really don’t give a fuck if I harm someone physically, but emotionally really bothers me.

I guess I have sympathy for people.

Is that a bad thing?

“Alexi, open the door,” I say.

“Give me one second!” he says.

“It’s been three minutes,”

“HOLD THE FUCK ON!” he screams and hits the door with extreme force.

That’s it, I’m done. He did not have to punch the door. That was totally uncalled for and completely unnecessary.

I stomp my way down the stairs and out the front door.

I have every right in the world to be mad. Alexi did not have to yell at me like that.

All I wanted to do is apologize for my thoughts and first impressions.

I did write some good things about him. In fact, I made a list.

I walk up and down the street until I can clear my head. Back in Estonia, I had this place where I would always go to when I had things go wrong in my life. It was this long road in a park with trees as archways.

In the fall the trees were brilliant shades of reds and yellows and in the winter, it seemed like heaven.

I almost wish Espoo had the same. I’m actually starting to feel a little homesick and completely unwelcomed at the Laiho’s.

Maybe it’s just Alexi. Maybe he is the one who makes me feel this way. I bet if he wasn’t here I wouldn’t feel homesick.

But maybe he makes me like Espoo. He is actually really nice when he wants to be.

“Triinu,” I hear him say.

He doesn’t sound pissed.

“Hmm?” I turn around and face him.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I didn’t mean to freak out like that, it’s a bit of a problem,”

“Why would you get mad over something I wrote in my journal?” I say.

“Because some of the things you said were false,”

“As in?”

“As in me being bipolar and me generally being a bad person,” Alexi defends.

“Could have fooled me…” I mumble.

“Look, we can argue all fucking day, but if we do, it’s just gonna make your life and my life a whole lot harder. Let’s just stop it,” he says.

“I didn’t do any of it! I didn’t do anything wrong!” I say. I am such an argumentative person.

“What did I just say?!”

“You’re the one who flipped out on me for no fucking reason, Alexi!” I yell.

“I know! And I apolo- -”

“You’re the one who punched the door because I felt bad for writing about you!”

“Triinu, I reali--“

“And you were the one yelling!”

“You’re the one yelling now!” he screams at me.

This man has one set of lungs on him.

I am silenced by his voice.

“Would you just fucking shut up and listen?!” he says. I keep my mouth closed.

“I understand you didn’t do anything wrong, and I understand that I came off as a rude person, but I am working on that,” he says.

“But I--“

“Triinu!” he interrupted, “I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” I mumble.

“No you don’t,”

“I know…”

At least I am somewhat honest.

“Let’s just go back inside,” he says quietly.

Did I hurt his feelings by not forgiving him?

I never forgive any anyone though. It’s the one thing about me I despise. I have so much anger inside of me that it builds up and eventually takes over my character.

I hold many grudges too. I have, or used to have this list of revenge.

It had the names of people I dislike and what I would do to them.

I hope that isn’t one of the things Alexi read. It would be embarrassing for him to know how childish I am.

I just hope he forgot what I wrote about him being slightly attractive.

I’d rather him see the bad side than the good side.

It is so much easier to say mean things to each other than it is to say nice things.

And it is also easier to speak of someone’s differences rather than their similarities.

The human race is so complicated…