I'm Not Bulletproof

I was woken up by the loud sound of a thud. My eyes jolt open by the sound. There standing before me was Alexi and his guitar that was on the ground.

I assume he dropped the guitar on the floor.

His face read ‘it was an accident.’ He looked sober though, something that I am not.

My head is pounding and my saliva has a horrible taste to it.

“Sorry for waking you up,” he says while placing two aspirins and a glass of water near me.

“It’s alright,” I mumble.

“So, you said that we would talk in the morning,” he says.

I stare blankly into the distance. I am dumbfounded that he remembers and a little upset.

He places his hand on top of mine and caresses with his thumb.

“Triinu, I really do like you,” he says,” I just had a weird way of showing it, and you never let me explain it to you,”

“Alexi, you’re just trying to fuck with me. You don’t like me and you never will,” I raise my voice a little. My head hurt too much to yell. I stand up and walk out of the room.

I stop at the front door unsure of where I should go.

Maybe I should call my brother and tell him to come pick me up. He would surely understand. He even told me that if I needed to leave the Laiho’s he would come pick me up.

I really needed that right now. I am too frightened to be here.

I have a hard time trusting people when they say they like me. A few months after Braydon and I officially spilt up I would get random people tell me they liked me. Most of them were lying and I have a hard time telling if they mean it or not. Maybe Alexi made a bet with one of his friends to see who can get the foreign girl to fall for them.

If that was the case I wouldn’t be surprised.

Who would want me? I’m not that pretty, I have an eating disorder and I am borderline insane. Everything bothers me and I’m scared of the littlest things. What a wonderful person to be around.

But then again, Alexi isn’t exactly perfect either. He’s rude, vulgar and cuts himself.

I take a seat on the porch and start to feel the tears form in my eyes.

I wanted to run away from all of this. Go back to Estonia where nothing is new. I am not mentally stable for this. I think my family will understand. They were the ones to take me to rehab and a psychiatrist after psychiatrist.

Then again, they probably don’t care. As long as I am physically present, they don’t care if I am mentally present.

Part of me wants to believe that running away from this, running away from Alexi, will make my life better. But the other part is telling me to stay and just take it.

I don’t know what to do; I have no one to talk to.

It seems that everyone is pushing themselves away from me, case in mind, Reta.

There isn’t a worse feeling than that. Having your best friend push themselves away from you really hurts.

I realize that I am doing that to Alexi. He tries to make me feel good about myself but I take it for granite. I take him for granite.

He did trust me with his secret, and he hasn’t told a sole about my secrets.

Maybe he really does like me. He doesn’t seem like the type of person to lead people on.

I know I like him, I’m just too afraid to admit it.