I'm Not Bulletproof
I'm Not Bulletproof
I wake up in the arms of Alexi. He is smiling down at me and breathed out deeply. I pull myself closer to him and inhale his scent. Even though he smells of cigarettes, it is still nice. He kisses my nose and I let out a light laugh. I know I made the right decision, no doubt in my mind.
“I’ve never felt this way before,” Alexi says nervously.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, there’s this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach,” he explains. I already knew that the strange feeling was, I just don’t want to tell him.
“I guess it’s because I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what it is or what it feels like,”
So he wasn’t as clueless as I thought.
“You’ve never been in love?”
“No, only shitty hookups that lasted a week or two,” Alexi says.
“I've only been in one relationship and you’ve never been you’ve seen how it’s turned me,” I say.
“I know, that’s why I am here to pick up the pieces,”
I know that Alexi wants to help with my problems. And I know I want to help him. But at the same time I don’t want to depend on a person to heal me, even if I may or may not love him. If want to be completely healed, I have to heal myself. As common as it sounds, I don’t need anyone to help me. Of course it’s nice to have someone in your life that is willing to help you, but I need to fix this myself.
Alexi places his hand on my thigh and stares intensely into my eyes.
“I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you,” he whispers.
My body breaks out in a cold sweat and my pulse races. I don’t know what to do or say next. This is happening way too fast.
I’ve only been in Finland for a little over a month and he already says he loves me. My eyes dash back and forth for a distraction. Maybe if I pretend I didn’t hear what he said it would go away.
I look at the door and before I can think of my next action I am walking out of the door.
I know I am going to regret walking out in about twenty minutes. Alexi will come down, find me in the front yard, apologize and I’ll feel guilty for hurting him. It’s the same routine over and over again.
I don’t know what I was thinking; I should have told him that our relationship is going too fast. I’m back to the old Triinu again; always running away from my fears.
“Triinu!” I hear Alexi say.
“Alexi, I…”
“No, it’s my fault. I didn’t mean to say that so soon,”
“No it’s…”
“I remember when we were five and six years old and we would spend our summers together in Espoo,” he pauses, “I had the biggest crush on you. I would ask my mom when the next time I would see you again and it never happened,”
“I don’t…”
“And eventually I forgot you, well, not completely; just your name, but I never forgot your face. When I saw you standing there the first day when you moved here all of those past feelings reignited,”
“Alexi…”
“I was such a dickhead towards you because I was afraid of showing my affection for you,”
“I under…”
“And now that all of this has happened, I let my feelings out and that’s why I said I loved you,”
“I know…”
“It’s not that I don’t love you, I just really like you, a lot,”
I am getting fed up with Alexi interrupting me. At least now I understand where he is coming from.
“I know…”
Alexi is starting to say something else but I cut him off by placing my lips against his.
“You did nothing wrong. I freaked out, that’s nothing new,” I whisper against his lips.
“I don’t want to rush things. I’m sorry,” he says.
I nod. I am thrilled that he doesn’t want to rush things. I believe that if you rush things in a relationship there will be nothing to enjoy later. I'm more than lucky to have found someone who feels the same. Now if only I can keep him.
“I’ve never felt this way before,” Alexi says nervously.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, there’s this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach,” he explains. I already knew that the strange feeling was, I just don’t want to tell him.
“I guess it’s because I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what it is or what it feels like,”
So he wasn’t as clueless as I thought.
“You’ve never been in love?”
“No, only shitty hookups that lasted a week or two,” Alexi says.
“I've only been in one relationship and you’ve never been you’ve seen how it’s turned me,” I say.
“I know, that’s why I am here to pick up the pieces,”
I know that Alexi wants to help with my problems. And I know I want to help him. But at the same time I don’t want to depend on a person to heal me, even if I may or may not love him. If want to be completely healed, I have to heal myself. As common as it sounds, I don’t need anyone to help me. Of course it’s nice to have someone in your life that is willing to help you, but I need to fix this myself.
Alexi places his hand on my thigh and stares intensely into my eyes.
“I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you,” he whispers.
My body breaks out in a cold sweat and my pulse races. I don’t know what to do or say next. This is happening way too fast.
I’ve only been in Finland for a little over a month and he already says he loves me. My eyes dash back and forth for a distraction. Maybe if I pretend I didn’t hear what he said it would go away.
I look at the door and before I can think of my next action I am walking out of the door.
I know I am going to regret walking out in about twenty minutes. Alexi will come down, find me in the front yard, apologize and I’ll feel guilty for hurting him. It’s the same routine over and over again.
I don’t know what I was thinking; I should have told him that our relationship is going too fast. I’m back to the old Triinu again; always running away from my fears.
“Triinu!” I hear Alexi say.
“Alexi, I…”
“No, it’s my fault. I didn’t mean to say that so soon,”
“No it’s…”
“I remember when we were five and six years old and we would spend our summers together in Espoo,” he pauses, “I had the biggest crush on you. I would ask my mom when the next time I would see you again and it never happened,”
“I don’t…”
“And eventually I forgot you, well, not completely; just your name, but I never forgot your face. When I saw you standing there the first day when you moved here all of those past feelings reignited,”
“Alexi…”
“I was such a dickhead towards you because I was afraid of showing my affection for you,”
“I under…”
“And now that all of this has happened, I let my feelings out and that’s why I said I loved you,”
“I know…”
“It’s not that I don’t love you, I just really like you, a lot,”
I am getting fed up with Alexi interrupting me. At least now I understand where he is coming from.
“I know…”
Alexi is starting to say something else but I cut him off by placing my lips against his.
“You did nothing wrong. I freaked out, that’s nothing new,” I whisper against his lips.
“I don’t want to rush things. I’m sorry,” he says.
I nod. I am thrilled that he doesn’t want to rush things. I believe that if you rush things in a relationship there will be nothing to enjoy later. I'm more than lucky to have found someone who feels the same. Now if only I can keep him.