I'm Not Bulletproof

The whole car ride home is silent. I guess Alexi did really feel bad for what he didn’t do. That or he is trying to avoid getting into an accident. I must say his driving isn’t so bad. I know if it were meme driving the car would have been totaled.

“Ah fuck,” Alexi breaks the silence. I look into the rearview mirror and a police car is cruising behind us.

“Don’t start driving like a fool,” I say.

Alexi then starts to drive a little faster, exceeding the speed limit by ten miles.

We both see red flashing lights and we both swear under out breaths, but my cursing is a mix of Estonian and Finnish.

“What the hell did I just tell you?” I say nervously. If we get into trouble, I’m more than likely going to be sent back to Estonia.

The policeman walks up to the window and motions Alexi to roll the window down. He obeys and smiles.

“Hello officer,” Alexi says smoothly.

“Sir you do know you were going over the speed limit, right?”

“Sorry about that. It was an accident,”

While Alexi is playing it cool I am sweating bullets. The officer shines his flashlight on my face and my breathing gets louder.

“Is she ok?” he asks.

“She has the flu; I was taking her home,”

“Then I better not keep you. Have a nice night,” the officer says and walks back to his car.

“Whoo,” Alexi breathes out, “that was a close one.

“Hmm,”

“It's my charm and character that can get me out of any situation,” he laughs.

I sit silent; still upset about being pulled over. I think about the consequences of what could have happened. What if we did get arrested? What if Alexi was asked for a license? Even though we got away without a ticket, I am still nervous.

Alexi sighs and begins to drive home.

.x.

We both arrive home safely. I open the door and walk up to our room. The thoughts of the incident with my sister are replaying in my mind. I don’t know why I hit her. And I am a little embarrassed actually. The fighting side of me is something I don’t like expressing; especially in front of Alexi.

“Are you ok?” he asks placing his arms around my waist.

“Not really,”

“Why?”

“I didn’t want you to see that side of me,” I say.

“Triinu, you’ve seen me get into fights all the time at school. It’s good to know that you can hold up in a fight,”

Alexi has a point. I have seen him in many fights, both arguments and fist fights. And it is true, I can hold up in a fight. I mean I was raised with two older brothers.

“I just feel bad you got hurt and I didn’t mean to speed. I got nervous,”

“It's not your fault and watch your driving next time,” I laugh slightly.

We are silent for a few moments. Normally when Alexi and I say nothing I hear the faint sound of bad music coming from the basement. I think Katerzyna is gone. I don’t know where she is and I honestly don’t even care. If Alexi didn’t break up the fight, I would have beaten and beaten her. No doubt about it.

I still long to see her suffer and I will eventually. Then I remember that my sister has been making me suffer for years. What hurts most is that I stand back and let her. I talk about getting my revenge but never go through with it. All I do is doubt myself. Self confidence is the one thing I must fix about myself. Once that is fixed, everything will be better. At least I hope so.

.x.

About four weeks have passed and all is well; too well. As bad as it may sound, when things go well in my life for more than a week, something big is about to happen. I could also feel energy in the air. I know something is going to happen, I just don’t know as to what.

My relationship with Alexi is going perfectly. Not a single fight and there is nothing but love. We still haven’t said the words, but I think we both know.

I haven’t seen much of Katerzyna either. Another plus in my life. I haven’t heard from my parents as well.

Life is treating me well for once. I feel like I am breaking the surface of the water. I have been drowning for so long and now I am finally there. I can almost taste it.

“Triinu, it's warm outside, let’s go for a walk,” Alexi says. I nod and follow him out of the house.

Spring is finally coming. Living in northern Europe, it gets really cold and winter is longer than in other countries. The sun is shining and the weather is warm. The blue sky and almost perfect shaped clouds seem surreal, as if it is a dream. Maybe the perfect setting is the beginning for something bad.

Alexi grabs my hand and kisses me on my cheek. We walk into the park and have a seat on one of the benches secluded from the rest of the people.

“Triinu, I have something important to tell you,” he says calmly. When someone says they have something important to tell me, I become nervous. My mind instantly goes to the negative side. What have I done wrong now?

“Yes?”

“I don’t know how to put it,” he chokes out. My body breaks out into a cold and my hands begin to shake in his.

“Don’t worry, it's nothing bad,” he reassures me.

“Then tell me,”

“My band finally got signed,”

My heart beats slow and my eyesight blurs. All of the fears about his band getting signed has become a reality.

“Triinu?”

I can't speak; there are no words that can come out of my mouth.

As much as I want to be happy for Alexi, I can't bring myself to be.

“Triinu, say something,” Alexi grabs my upper arm.

“I'm so happy for you,” I say nervously.

Alexi is silent for a little while. He knows that I am lying. It's extremely obvious.

“No, you’re not,” he says with disappointment and sadness in his voice.

“I’m scared, that’s all,”

Something in Alexi changed. The look in his eyes read of anger. I’ve seen this look many times on his eyes before.

“You think this isn’t scary for me?” he snaps.

Usually he reassures me, but now he is defensive. He is acting like he did when I first moved here. How can I blame him?

“Didn’t you want the same thing? Didn’t you want to become a musician?”

“Yes, but…”

“You think you’re more than me. That’s all you have ever thought. And I guess that’s all you will ever think,” Alexi storms off into the park.

Sadly I was right. The perfect scenery and the good luck did become a curse.

No words can describe how I feel now. I never want anything but good things for Alexi. God only knows he deserves it.

His words really hurt me. I always knew that I was selfish, but for him, the one person I love to tell me, that really hurt.

I sit on the bench and weep to myself.