I'm Not Bulletproof
I'm Not Bulletproof
“Gotta go rehearse, see you later,” Alexi says and kisses my cheek. Every day for the past week, Alexi has been at his friend’s house practicing. I have to say it kind of hurts my feelings that we have been growing distant. It's starting to make me think that something is going on. But everyone goes through these kinds of things in a relationship. I'm overreacting, that’s all. I know Alexi wouldn’t cheat on me, I think. I hope. I’ve really been trying hard to be good enough for him, even if it goes against my morals. I'm so afraid of losing him I will do anything to make him happy.
For the past four and a half hours I have been sitting alone in my room. Alexi should be coming back soon, even though there really isn’t much to say to him. The only words we have exchanged lately is ‘how was practice?’ and ‘fine.’ Maybe I should try talking to him before things get out of hand. It's better to tell him now than when things get worse.
I hear the door open and Alexi comes in smiling.
“Hello,” he says. He is extra cheerful today.
“Alexi, I need to talk to you,”
“What’s on your mind?”
“Well,” I breathe, “I think we’re growing a little distant.”
“I don’t mean to do that to you. I’ve been busy,” he says.
“I know that, but even when you are home you don’t seem to care about me,”
“I do care about you, very much,”
I sigh, “I'm sorry I brought this up.”
There is no way of getting Alexi to see my point. When we first started dating almost a year ago, he would listen to what I had to say and now, it seems to go through one ear and out the other.
“Do you want to go to Henkka’s house with me?” Alexi says.
“I guess,”
Henkka is a sweet guy, so I don’t mind that much. I hope not a lot of other people are going to be there. Large crowds of people I don’t know kind of freak me out. Hopefully, Alexi won’t leave me there. The last time I was at a party with him, we walked in together and then he left me to go drink and converse with his friends.
An hour passes and we are on our way to Henkka’s house.
“I’m not going to get drunk tonight,” Alexi says.
“Great,” I say. He said that last time but ended up being really drunk. I had to literally drag him up the stairs and put him on the bed.
When we get into Henkka’s house, there are only three cars parked on the street. I am almost positive not a lot of people are going to be here, or at least I hope so.
Alexi and I walk into the living room together, but as usual, he leaves my side and goes over by his friends. A slight pain in my heart strikes. I walk over to the refreshment table and pour myself some vodka and cranberry juice. Hopefully this will make me feel better.
“Hey,” I hear a voice say from behind me; it is Henkka.
“Hi,”
“Where’s Alexi?”
I sigh. I don’t want to make it seem like I'm upset.
“Oh,” Henkka breathes out, “let me tell you something about Alexi.”
“What?”
“He’s not trying to ignore you, not at all. That’s what he does to people he cares about,”
“What? Push them away?” I say loudly.
“Exactly, to see if you would stay. And he doesn’t like getting too attached,”
I appreciate Henkka explaining Alexi’s motives, but honestly, this pisses me off. Why would Alexi purposely push me away to see if I will stay by his side? Is that what he thinks of me? A dog? This is like a test. It's almost as if he doesn’t seem to respect me.
For once in my life I want something good to happen to me. I don’t want to play mind games. I just want Alexi. I’ve tried talking to him but he doesn’t listen. Well, he listens, but he doesn’t comprehend.
I walk away from the refreshment table and away from Henkka before I have a little meltdown. It would be really embarrassing if I had one in front of Alexi’s friend.
I decide it would be best if I wait on the porch. If I go back in there I can almost guarantee I would be upset. I take a seat on the chair and stare into the sky. I think of the time I first stood on this porch. It was where Alexi and I shared our first kiss. This should be a happy place, but instead, it brings heartbreak. It's just me and my thoughts. It may possibly only be me and my thoughts. Forever.
Three hours pass and I am still left alone on the porch. The more minutes that pass, the more aggravated I become. Isn’t it great when your boyfriend forgets you are even here? And he can't play the ‘I was drunk’ card because when he’s drunk he is perfectly functional. It’s astounding in a way.
“Triinu, there you are,” I hear Alexi slur.
“Yeah,”
“What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean ‘what’s wrong?!” I yell.
“What is your problem?
“You! That’s my problem!” I yell again, “you constantly ignore me and you push me away.”
Alexi is silent. I think he finally understands his actions.
“I’m going home,”
“I love you,” he says.
“Whatever,”
After saying that, I start to realize that Alexi isn’t the only one changing. Sadly, I am changing too. But I don’t like what I am becoming. Cold, cruel and dare I say bitch? I never wanted to become like that. In times like these, it is almost inevitable.
For the past four and a half hours I have been sitting alone in my room. Alexi should be coming back soon, even though there really isn’t much to say to him. The only words we have exchanged lately is ‘how was practice?’ and ‘fine.’ Maybe I should try talking to him before things get out of hand. It's better to tell him now than when things get worse.
I hear the door open and Alexi comes in smiling.
“Hello,” he says. He is extra cheerful today.
“Alexi, I need to talk to you,”
“What’s on your mind?”
“Well,” I breathe, “I think we’re growing a little distant.”
“I don’t mean to do that to you. I’ve been busy,” he says.
“I know that, but even when you are home you don’t seem to care about me,”
“I do care about you, very much,”
I sigh, “I'm sorry I brought this up.”
There is no way of getting Alexi to see my point. When we first started dating almost a year ago, he would listen to what I had to say and now, it seems to go through one ear and out the other.
“Do you want to go to Henkka’s house with me?” Alexi says.
“I guess,”
Henkka is a sweet guy, so I don’t mind that much. I hope not a lot of other people are going to be there. Large crowds of people I don’t know kind of freak me out. Hopefully, Alexi won’t leave me there. The last time I was at a party with him, we walked in together and then he left me to go drink and converse with his friends.
An hour passes and we are on our way to Henkka’s house.
“I’m not going to get drunk tonight,” Alexi says.
“Great,” I say. He said that last time but ended up being really drunk. I had to literally drag him up the stairs and put him on the bed.
When we get into Henkka’s house, there are only three cars parked on the street. I am almost positive not a lot of people are going to be here, or at least I hope so.
Alexi and I walk into the living room together, but as usual, he leaves my side and goes over by his friends. A slight pain in my heart strikes. I walk over to the refreshment table and pour myself some vodka and cranberry juice. Hopefully this will make me feel better.
“Hey,” I hear a voice say from behind me; it is Henkka.
“Hi,”
“Where’s Alexi?”
I sigh. I don’t want to make it seem like I'm upset.
“Oh,” Henkka breathes out, “let me tell you something about Alexi.”
“What?”
“He’s not trying to ignore you, not at all. That’s what he does to people he cares about,”
“What? Push them away?” I say loudly.
“Exactly, to see if you would stay. And he doesn’t like getting too attached,”
I appreciate Henkka explaining Alexi’s motives, but honestly, this pisses me off. Why would Alexi purposely push me away to see if I will stay by his side? Is that what he thinks of me? A dog? This is like a test. It's almost as if he doesn’t seem to respect me.
For once in my life I want something good to happen to me. I don’t want to play mind games. I just want Alexi. I’ve tried talking to him but he doesn’t listen. Well, he listens, but he doesn’t comprehend.
I walk away from the refreshment table and away from Henkka before I have a little meltdown. It would be really embarrassing if I had one in front of Alexi’s friend.
I decide it would be best if I wait on the porch. If I go back in there I can almost guarantee I would be upset. I take a seat on the chair and stare into the sky. I think of the time I first stood on this porch. It was where Alexi and I shared our first kiss. This should be a happy place, but instead, it brings heartbreak. It's just me and my thoughts. It may possibly only be me and my thoughts. Forever.
Three hours pass and I am still left alone on the porch. The more minutes that pass, the more aggravated I become. Isn’t it great when your boyfriend forgets you are even here? And he can't play the ‘I was drunk’ card because when he’s drunk he is perfectly functional. It’s astounding in a way.
“Triinu, there you are,” I hear Alexi slur.
“Yeah,”
“What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean ‘what’s wrong?!” I yell.
“What is your problem?
“You! That’s my problem!” I yell again, “you constantly ignore me and you push me away.”
Alexi is silent. I think he finally understands his actions.
“I’m going home,”
“I love you,” he says.
“Whatever,”
After saying that, I start to realize that Alexi isn’t the only one changing. Sadly, I am changing too. But I don’t like what I am becoming. Cold, cruel and dare I say bitch? I never wanted to become like that. In times like these, it is almost inevitable.