I'm Not Bulletproof

Alexi and I stare down at the ground for several minutes before one of us speaks. I didn’t mean to react the way I did, but then again, I don’t mean to do anything to hurt him.

“Alexi,” I whisper.

“No, it’s fine. You don’t need to apologize,” he says. I can tell he is hurt by my reaction. He covers it up with a smile. That wouldn’t be the first time he has done that. I look into his eyes, they read of sadness.

I open my mouth to say something but I am cut off by Alexi taking the notebook out of my hands and storming back into the house. I feel my face warm up in embarrassment. Normally, I am the one to storm into the house, not Alexi.

I am left alone in the front lawn, well, except for Alexi’s friend, who is still parked in the driveway. The driver waves goodbye and drives away. I think even he understood what happened.

What am I going to do? Should I go into the house and explain myself to Alexi? Should I let him cool off for a little while? Why am I asking these questions? It’s not like they’re going to be answered. I’m not meant to be happy, that’s all.

I take a seat against the wall of the house and put my knees to my chin. The tears begin to slowly fall out of my eyes and onto my arms. I can only imagine how Alexi is handling this. Maybe if life would be good to me, he won’t be cutting. I don’t think I could live knowing that what I’ve done lead to him cutting.

After fifteen minutes sitting on the porch, I make my way into the house. Walking up the stairs makes my heart beat loudly and fast. I could feel the beat in my face. I always hated confrontation. It's even worse when it involves someone you love.

I stop at the bedroom door, contemplating my next action. I inhale deeply and open the door.

“Triinu!” Alexi says. My eyes grow twice the size of my head when I see what he is doing. In his hand is a razor blade, a light green towel in his lap and a look of pure horror on his face.

“What the fuck?!” I scream.

“Wait!” he says frantically. I don’t wait. I run at him and try to take the razor blade.

Alexi begins to fight back by pushing my hands away.

I jump onto his lap and try to pry the blade from his hands, his blood dripping all over me and him. By now, we were both wrestling for this razor blade. With Alexi being stronger than me, this is a slight challenge.

We both fall onto the floor; I’m on top of Alexi. He flips me over so that he is on top and holds my arms above my head. His blood is starting to drip in my head and is beginning to sting my eyes.

I then begin to squirm under his grasp. Then I feel immense pain. I immediately know what happened. He releases his grip and I hold my wrist close to my body. When I was moving underneath him, his hand, the one with the blade, cut my arm from my wrist to about half way up my arm. The hot, stinging sensation leaves me breathless. Why would someone do this to themselves?

“Triinu, I’m so sorry,” Alexi says with tears flowing from his eyes. I’m more shocked that he is crying rather than the fact that he cut me. I grab the towel and wrap my arm in it.

Alexi tries to help me, but I back away fearfully. I know this was an accident, but something frightened me. He cries harder. Surprisingly enough, I’m not crying.

I leave the room and walk into the bathroom. While running the cold water over my arm, I am amazed by how red the blood was. It is beautiful in a way. After what seemed like hours, I stopped bleeding. I then wrap my arm in toilet paper. I can't help but to smile; I look like a mummy. A pink mummy…

Looking in the mirror, I see that my face looks like I had red paint thrown at me. My skin is a shade of pink from his blood and not to mention my blonde hair is pink in places. My light blue shirt is ruined as well. I don’t even want to imagine what the room looks like.

I shut the light off and head back into the bedroom. I see Alexi lying on his bed, back facing me. I see his body trembling and hear faint sobs. I feel terrible that he is crying, but this time, I can't forgive him. If he wasn’t stubborn enough to give me the razor blade in the first place, none of this would have happened. I never thought I would have to wrestle him to get the blade.

A part of me tells me to comfort Alexi, but the other darker side tells me to let him suffer the way he makes me suffer.

Alexi hasn’t made me suffer that much. He has made everything good for me. Well, as I thought.

“Triinu,” he chokes out. I stand beside him and he sits up.

“I think we should break up,”