I'm Not Bulletproof

My eyes begin to heavy, my ears are ringing and my body is starting to throb. After what I heard Alexi say, I want to ask him to repeat what he said, in hop of mishearing him, but I know what he said. This is unlike anything I have ever felt before. Nothing can compare either. I thought I experienced heart break before, but once again, I was wrong. I feel something hot on my face; tears. I had no idea I was even crying.

I look into Alexi’s eyes, he is still crying as well. It’s kind of scary seeing him cry. It’s so unlike him. It is like when you see your parents cry for the first time. You expect them to be strong and not to cry.

I breathe out the question ‘why?’

“I don’t want to keep hurting you,” he painfully chokes out. I cry harder.

“All I have done to you is hurt you, both mentally and physically. When you cut your arm on the door, that was my fault. When I cut you with the blade, that was my fault. When my band got signed, I ignored you. I love you too much to keep doing this to you,” he says.

I want to argue with him but I don’t have the strength. Half of what he said was right though. It was his fault when he cut me a few minutes ago, it was his fault when he ignores me. But in a way, it is my fault too. If I have opened my eyes to his feelings, this may of not happened.

Everything is my fault. Always.

I try to speak but nothing comes out. I’m afraid if I do speak, the words will come out in bad ways. I know if I say something to him now I will regret it in the future.

I nod my head and hang my head low. Alexi takes both of my hands raises them to his lips and kisses them gently. Part of my wants to beg him not to do this, and the other wants to kill him.

.x.

Hours pass and I have yet to say a word to Alexi. I really don’t have much to say to him, as strange as it sounds. The one person I put all of my trust, all of my life and all of my love into has ripped my heart out and ate it. All of my effort has been wasted too.

I've been sitting on the front porch since the break up. I think Alexi is in his room. I don’t know what I am going to do about the sleeping arrangements. It will be too awkward to sleep in the same room as Alexi. I already have a feeling I'm going to lay on the waterworks tonight and possible tomorrow. The thought of sleeping in the same room as my sister doesn’t cross my mind twice.

“Triinu, sweetie?” I hear the faint sound of Alexi’s mother through the window screen. I turn around so I am facing her. I hope she doesn’t know about what happened.

“Come inside, I have something to tell you,”

Once I got in, I see several suitcases in the living room. I start to feel excited, in hopes of leaving.

“Anna got accepted into the University of Joensuu and is moving out of the house,” Mrs. Laiho says. As always, I got my hopes up for nothing.

“Is it ok with you if you sleep in her old room?” she asks. I nod fast.

.x.

Packing my things to move to Anna’s old room is one of the happiest moments of today. I see the lavender notebook on the floor. When I go to pick it up, I brush the hand of Alexi, who is also trying to pick it up. I’m not even sure how long he has been standing here. I pull my hand back away defensively. I keep my eyes off of him, knowing he is burning holes in my body with his.

“Do you need any help?” he asks in a low tone.

Without responding, I pick up the last of my belongings and leave the room.

.x.

Throughout the night, I hear the sounds of Alexi hitting the walls. They were starting to form a pattern. Every three or so seconds he punched the wall. I lay motionless in my bed until the noise stops.

Life; a road of pain, misery and heart break. Unfortunately, I am on that road and it never seems end.