I'm Not Bulletproof

Days pass and not a word has been said between Alexi and I. It's starting to get hard trying to avoid him. I purposely leave my room at times where he is in his room. I take the long way home from school just to avoid him on the porch. It’s getting ridiculous. I don’t even know why I do this. The only positive is that he dropped out of school when he was seventeen and I don’t have to avoid him there. My grades have been drastically slipping and I’m not being overdramatic. My grades went from straight A’s to D’s and F’s. My mind is always cluttered with thoughts of Alexi; I forget everything about the lesson.

All I do nowadays is sit in Anna’s old room and stare at the ceiling. I don’t ever leave the room, not to eat nor to watch television. I even hold my bodily fluids until it’s an absolute emergency. It's more pathetic than ridiculous. I'm not even sure how Alexi is handling this; I don’t even want to know. The only good thing about this is I’m not crying.

Every night, I have reoccurring nightmares about him. I have vivid dreams about the night he cut me. I dream that he tried to kill me with the blade rather than it being an accident. I dream that whenever I cried, he laughed at me. I dream that he never loved me; he just uses me for his own pleasure. I think that is worse than him killing me or laughing at me.

I was so happy when I was with him. I never thought anything could go wrong. I thought he would protect me and love me unconditionally, but how wrong was I? I understand that being as bitter as I am now isn’t going to help me or him. I want to talk to him, but what would I say? I think if I do speak to him, he will be angry, making me feel worse than I do now. I never wanted it to end this way, but in the end, I had no choice.

Three hours pass and I am still lying on the bed, gazing at the ceiling. Thoughts of Alexi flooding m mind. I hear a soft knock at the door. I hesitate to say anything. I'm too tired to say a word or even mumble.

“Triinu?” a low, sorrowful voice says. My eyes jolt open and my heart beats fast. I still hesitate to respond.

“Triinu, its Alexi, open up,” he says louder with more of an aggressive tone in his voice. Great, now he’s mad. Can I blame him?

With every ounce of strength I have, I get up and stand by the door.

“What?” I say just above a whisper tone.

“We really need to talk,”

“About what?” I say.

“Don’t act stupid; you know what I mean,” he says. I crack the door open and I see his hands trying to push the door open more.

“Why are you doing this,” Alexi says as a statement rather than a question. I am in no mood to argue with him, so I let him in.

He stands awkwardly in front of me. I can tell he wants to embrace me, but I refuse.

“It hurts me that we can't even be friends. We live in the same house but yet it's like were thousands of miles away,” he says touching my hand. I pull away.

“Triinu, I know you’re still upset, but so am I. I don’t know how to explain this to you. I had to do it,” he says. Honestly, I have nothing to say. I don’t blame him for breaking up with me. I would do it if I were him, but a long time ago. I stare down at the floor; I think Alexi gets the hint.

“I’ll leave you alone now. Just remember that I still love you and I don’t think I could ever stop loving you,”

I feel a slight feeling of hope when he says that. Maybe my life isn’t over; maybe we still have a chance. Or maybe we are over; maybe he’ll find someone new and forget about me. I wouldn’t doubt it nor blame him.

I want to hold Alexi; I want to feel like I'm worth living for, but that may never happen.

Seconds turn to minutes and minutes turn to hours before I gain the courage to leave my room. Walking down the stairs, I feel the heavy weight of air surround me. I've felt this feeling many times before and it all resulted in something bad. I slowly walk into the living room where Mrs. Laiho stands nervously, phone attached to her left ear. She glances at me and mouths the words ‘I’m sorry.’

My heard begins to beat fast. I know who is on the phone; my mother. I can hear the sounds of yelling on the other line of the phone. Mrs. Laiho hangs the phone up and motions me to sit on the couch with her.

“Triinu, I have some bad news for you and us,”

“My heart beat gets faster, my ears ring and my palms begin so sweat.

“Your parents got your report card and they weren’t exactly pleased,” she pauses, “they want you to move back to Estonia to live with your grandma.”

I thought my heart beat couldn’t get faster, but it did.

“I’m so sorry,”

.x.

I later found out I am leaving tomorrow. I'm not even sure I can pack all of my things by myself.

While packing the last of my belongings, I come across the notebook Alexi bought me. I wanted to burn it. I blame the notebook for everything that happened that night. If he hadn’t of bought it for me, I wouldn’t have hated it and we would still be together. Even if we were drifting apart, we would still be together and we would be happy.

I pick the notebook up and begin to tear the pages out. I stop once I see a page with writing on it. Confused, I begin to read it. I recognize the writing to belong to Alexi.

“Triinu,

If you are reading this, please don’t rip it up. This is important.

I know you’re mad, upset and hurt. Believe me, I am too. I know you will not let me explain myself and I know when I try to, it comes out bad.

When I first met you when I was little, I know I loved you. I would think about you constantly, you were always in my dreams and always in my thoughts. I eventually forgot about you, but not entirely, and when I saw you when I was sixteen, all of those old feelings started up again. Life since I was thirteen has been hell for me, but when I saw you standing there, I felt a feeling I have not had for a long time. I was scared by the feeling and tied to hide it. That’s another reason why I acted the way I did. If I would go back and treat you like the way I should have, I would.

The night when you sang in the coffee house, I saw how happy you were onstage. The light in your eyes when you sang and the way you smiled when everyone cheered for you was something that made me feel good. Then when we got home, your sister torn your notebook up and I read it all. I felt a connection with you, like I needed you. I remember the first time we touched, I felt as if I needed to be with you.

The night when I first kissed you, I was drunk, but completely conscious of what I was doing. Nothing felt more natural. Even now when we kiss, I get the same feeling. Whenever we made love, it wasn’t meaningless sex like I've had in the past. It meant something to me. Whenever I said I love you, I really meant it with all of my heart. Nothing could describe what goes through my mind when I see you. My thoughts go from dark and suicidal to light and true love.

Recently, I know we’ve been drifting apart and it kills me. I never wanted to hurt you. The reason why I cut myself that night is not your fault. I never want you to think that. I thought hurt you so much the only way I can feel it was if I hurt myself. I wanted to kill myself when I cut you. I’ve never cried in front of anyone other than myself in years. The reason why I broke up with you is because I thought it would make it easier for both you and I. I thought it would make you feel better and you would have to go through the misery I put you through. I thought it would make me better too.

But as always, I was wrong. I’ve realized that I need you in my life. Even if you don’t want to be mine, a friendship is all I need. I understand if you don’t want to speak to me, but if you find room in your heart I shattered, please, please let me back into your life.

Love now and always,

Alexi”

By the time I finish reading, I am in tears. I'm not sure if he knows I am moving back to Estonia. The feelings I have by reading his words are hope, guilt and misery. I hope that someday we can be together again. I feel guilty that I hurt him just as much as he hurt me. And I am miserable because I may never get to see him again.

I understand he needs me in his life, and I need him in mine. I am scared to be hurt again. If I have to relive these events once again, I will kill myself.

I don’t know what I am going to do.