I'm Not Bulletproof

In another hour I will be back in Estonia to live with my grandmother. I haven’t seen her in so long; I wonder if she even remembers what I look like. The fear of meeting up with the ‘friends’ I once had comes over me. What if I run into Braydon? If that did happen, I would want Alexi to be there with me. I feel a sharp pain in my chest when I think about Alexi. I hope he is doing well without me.

I sigh and look into the sea. In my reflection, I see not only my face, but all of the faces I put on while I was in Finland. The polite, intelligent and emotionally cut off girl when I first moved there. The shy and timid girl who hid all of her emotions in fear of being hurt again in the middle of my stay. The mean, uncaring and unsupportive girl during the end of my stay. I've realized how much I have changed over the years. May be for the better or may be for the worse. Either way, I am going to have to live with it. Live with myself and my decisions.

The hour it takes to get from Finland to Estonia passes and I am now on the Estonian pier, looking for my grandmother. Minutes pass and I see a white haired woman wearing a dark blue sun dress walk fast towards me. My grandmother is in her late fifties and is quite healthy for her age. I’ve always gotten along with her; she seemed to be the only one who took the time to understand me. That is besides Alexi. But even he didn’t fully understand me.

“Triinu! It’s so good to see you!” she cries out in Estonian. I look blankly into the distance. It seems that I have gotten rusty on my native tongue. I'm not too worried though, a few weeks and it’ll come back to me.

“I’ve missed you,” I say into her arms.

.x.

“You’ve grown up so much since I’ve last seen you. You’re really becoming a strong, independent, and beautiful woman,” she says.

I look down disappointed in myself when she says ‘strong and independent.’ In my mind, I know she is wrong. If only she knew what I’ve been though the past two years.

We arrive at a café and we are seated on the balcony. I look at my grandmother’s features. It has been a few years since I’ve last seen her. Her face is aged, but she shows no sign of almost being sixty. The sun dress she is in drapes her slim figure. She has always been into new-age healing. She is peaceful and accepting; the polar opposite of the rest of my family. I must have gotten my attitude from her.

“So, tell me everything about your stay in Finland,”

I take a deep sigh and tell her my story.

I tell my grandmother everything, nothing it holding me back. Not my mind, not my soul, not my heart, not even the fact there is six people on the balcony with us. I tell her about when I first saw Alexi, the way he first treated me and how much I hated him. Then I talked about how much he started to grow on me and eventually took over my mind. I told her when Katerzyna ripped my notebook apart, Alexi revealed his secret to me, when he cooked for me and how much he made my life better. I swear every sentence I say has Alexi’s name in it. Then again, he was the reason why I loved and hated Finland so much.

I take a deep breath and begin to explain the past few months. While I am talking, my grandmother looks sympathetically at me. She is the only one in my family, other than my brothers, who knew about Braydon, and now I tell her about Alexi. She was the only one who cried with me when Braydon cheated on me. This must be heartbreaking for her to hear.

“And now, I’m here,” I finish. Surprisingly enough, I am not in tears like I thought I would be.

“Triinu, you don’t know how much it hurts me to hear that. You deserve so much more. From what it sounds like, this Alexi guy still really loves you. Have you thought about taking a little break and then getting back together?” my grandmother asks. Truthfully, I haven’t thought about ‘taking a break’ with him. I'm not sure if it would be a good idea either. After a while, he’ll get over me. If we ever have a chance again, I'm afraid this will repeat itself.

“This takes time,” she says. I nod and continue to pick at the food on my plate.

Three hours pass since I’ve spoken to my grandmother about Finland, mostly about Alexi. I find myself walking in the same place I always walk in to clear my mind. The threes make an arch way for what seems like miles. Someone has planted flowers along the pathway. I walk up to the purple and white flowers along the pathway. I walk up to the flowers and get down on my knees. I always hated flowers, so I do not know what type they are. I always hated them because they die within a week. The petals wilt and then the stems become frail. After the week passes, the whole flower becomes hard, but yet delicate. Then when you pick it up, it shatters into a thousand pieces. Something about this particular flower is different from the rest. Something about it stands out. I pick it up and make my way back home.

I have had many ‘homes’ throughout my life, the house in Moscow, the house in Elva, the house in Tallinn, the Laiho’s house, and now my grandmother’s house. Of the five, the Laiho’s house was the best. I felt more of a family member at their house more than at my family’s house. The Laiho’s treated me more than just a guest or just Alexi’s girlfriend; they treated me with care, love and respect. Hell, I said I love Mrs. Laiho more times than I ever told my own mother. Anna was like the sister I never had. Mr. Laiho was a father figure to me. And then Alexi. He was my everything. He is my everything. I cannot go ten minutes without thinking about Alexi. It might drive me insane.

Walking back into my grandmother’s one story house, I am moved back by the strong scent of incense. What is she doing this time? I walk cautiously into the living room. The furniture has been moved to the sides of the walls, and my grandmother is sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room.

“Triinu, sit with me,” she says. I do as she says and take a seat in front of her.

“What is going on?”

“Triinu, just think,”

Don’t I do that enough? As I tell myself every day, thinking has made me do some things I regret. I over analyze everything and now that I am asked to think, nothing comes to mind. I sit blankly and pretend to think.

A half hour passes and my grandmother and I are still sitting on the floor. My head is starting to hurt from the incense.

“This will help you cleanse your soul,”

I say nothing. Souls are non-existent.

“Do you feel better?” she asks.

“Yes, thank you,” I lie. This has been one of the strangest experiences I have had in a long time. I think my grandmother expected me to have an epiphany. Truth is I have those every day. I don’t need any supernatural, new age shit to make myself realize I am nothing. I don’t need candles, incense and a sort of pagan ritual to remind myself I have ruined not only the life of myself, but the life of the one person I love.

I get up only to fall back down due to both my legs falling asleep. I let out an aggravated sigh and storm into my room. I sometimes hate having such a vivid mind. Everything I see, everything I hear reminds me of how much I disappoint myself. I’m almost eighteen; things should start getting better for me. It sure as hell looks like it isn’t going to. I've been suffering for so long; it never seems to fade. I throw myself onto my bed and weap.

I wake up at exactly eleven in the morning. It takes me all of my strength to get up. The joys of being depressed. I miss waking to see Alexi’s face staring down at me. Now that I am alone, I have to find something to motivate myself to wake up in the morning. Nothing can compare to waking up next to Alexi. Even if we were mad at each other, I still wake up happy.

.x.

Three weeks pass and I am still in Estonia with my grandmother, feeling no different. I drag my lifeless body to the kitchen and force myself to eat. I open the fridge and pick the first thing I see, which is a vanilla pudding cup. I jump on the counter and eat the pudding. It didn’t taste that bad. Usually food, to me, tastes horrible and after you don’t eat for a while, everything tastes bad. People think if you don’t eat you will feel ill. To me, it is the opposite. If I skip a day eating, I feel a little sick at first, but then it fades. Then if I eat something, I feel very ill. I'm not sure if that’s common, or if it's just me.

I glance over at the calendar; today is Alexi’s nineteenth birthday. I'm contemplating on calling him. Something in me feels strange and awkward if I were to call him. What if he doesn’t want to talk to me? If he wanted to talk to me, he would have called earlier. Maybe he is waiting for me to make the first move. Alexi is also the one who took the first step by saying he still loves me. Maybe it’s my turn to take the step.

I slide off the counter and dial his number on my cell phone. I can feel my heartbeat in my ears and my palms become very sweaty. Why am I getting so nervous?

“Hello?” he answers with an anxious tone in his voice.

“Alexi, its Triinu,”

“Hey, how have you been?”

“Fine, kind of. How have you been?” I ask. A short silence occurs before he says anything.

“Doing alright. We’re starting to record our second album. Shit’s gonna be good,” he says with a different tone. Something isn’t right.

“Happy birthday,” I say.

“Aw, thank you,”

Another moment of silence occurs. This time, it is awkward. Panic stricken, I think of something to say.

“Look Triinu, I got to go,” Alexi says before I can say something.

“Ok,” I whisper.

“Bye,” he hangs up.

My heart feels strange. I've gotten this feeling before; heartbreak. Alexi didn’t even say he misses me or he loves me. Granit, I didn’t say it either, but still.

Maybe he has gotten over me. He probably has a new girlfriend that he cares about.

I shut my phone hard and run into my room. Madder than anything, I begin to hit the walls. This is what Alexi did when he was mad. The thought of him kames me punch a part of the wall so hard, my fist goes right through it. I am taken back by it. I try to remove my hand from the wall, but it is stuck. Once I finally get it out, I do not care that it is bloody and may be broke. I am worried about how to cover the hole. I search through the room for a poster or something to cover it up. I find a poster of an acoustic guitar and tape it to the wall.

I sit on my bed and hang my head low. I begin to stare at my bedside table, where the purple and flower. The petals are wilted and the stem is weak. Like a flower, love wilts.

I search through the dowers of the desk to fine the lavender notebook Alexi bought me. Inspiration for a song is strong in my mind.

Once I find it, I begin to frantically write all the words down that are racing in my head.

“Just a simple touch
Just a little glance
Makes me feel like flyin'
But where are you tonight
Something isn't right
Can you please stop hiding

I'm trying not to think about
All the things you did before
But sometimes it all just gets to me
I can't take it anymore
I'll stay with you
But remember be careful what you do
'Cause I'm not bulletproof

In your secret place
Staring into space
Leaves me feeling frozen
I just need to feel that what we have is real
And I'm the one you've chosen

I'm trying not to think about
All the things you did before
But sometimes it all just gets to me
I can't fake it anymore
I'll stay with you
But remember to be careful what you do
'Cause I'm not bulletproof

I am trying not to think about
All the things you did before
But sometimes it all just gets to me
I can't fake it anymore
I'll stay with you
But remember and be careful what you do
Cause I'm not bulletproof
And I'm not bulletproof
I'm not bulletproof”

The song perfectly matches what I've been going through the past few years and what I am going through now. It's haunting to me.

Sitting on my bed, I think about nothing other than my relationship with my family, the relationship I have with Alexi and the relationship I have with myself. Why do I hate myself so much? I've seen people with low self-esteem, but damn. I sit cross-legged on my bed and do not move.

.x.

Six months pass and nothing has changed. I still hate myself, I still cry, I don’t eat and tears do not stop flowing. My grandmother is always worrying about me. It's good to know that I am in someone’s thoughts, but it kills me to think I am hurting her. I don’t know if Alexi even thinks about me. I sent him a text message about a month ago, but he never replied. I convinced myself he never received it.

I haven’t spoken to anyone other than my grandmother. I purposely avoid talking to strangers. When I am in line at the store, I pretend to either be deaf, or I don’t speak Estonian or Russian or English, for that matter. I don’t even want to be with Alexi at this point. He hasn’t done anything to prove to me he still loves me. In the end, I was right. He did forget about me.

I gasp loudly, frightened by my cell phone ringing loudly in my pocket. I look at the caller ID, unsure of whom the caller may be. It has a Finnish area code. I quickly answer.

“Hello?” I say.

“Triinu, its Henkka,”

“Oh, hi,” I say confused. Why would he be calling me?

“I really think you should be here,”

“Why is that?”

“Alexi,” Henkka pauses,” he’s in the hospital.”

My blood runs cold and my heartbeat throbs.

“What happened?!”

“He tried to kill himself,”

I start crying, “What should I do?”

“Try to get here. I think he would feel better if you were here. If you chose to come, call me and I’ll pick you up in Helsinki,” Henkka says and hangs up.

My heart feels as if it is going to break even more than it already has. How could Alexi do this to himself?

“Grandma!” I yell throughout the house.

“Grandma!!” I repeat.

“What is it dear?”

“Alexi tried to kill himself. He’s in the hospital in Espoo and he needs me, I need him!” I yell.

“Alright, calm down child,” my grandmother embraces me.

“I don’t know what to do,” I sob into her shoulder.

“Go to him,”

“With what money?”

“Triinu, I have enough money for you to get a ticket to Helsinki. I was saving it for a moment like this,”

I feel a burst of hope flow through my veins. I kiss my grandmother on the cheek and run out of the front door.

.x.

My arrival to the Helsinki dock was full of angst, worries and regret. I hope I wouldn’t regret coming back to Finland to see Alexi. I can only imagine what drove him to attempt suicide.

I dial Henkka’s phone number and wait for him to pick up. For what seems like hours, he finally answers.

“Triinu, I’ll be there in ten minutes,” he says.

“Please hurry,”

I swear the ten minutes that pass is the longest moment of my life. At any given moment I may start crying. This is so hard for me. I feel like this is my fault. Then again, everything is always my fault.

When I see a familiar black car, I immediately start running towards it. Henkka gets out and waves me over. It's been forever since I’ve last seen him. I wonder why he is doing this for me. He was the one to warn me about Alexi’s behavior. Out of Alexi’s friends, Henkka is the closest one to me. When Alexi constantly ignored me, he was the one who comforted me. And now that Alexi is in the hospital, Henkka is here for me.

“What drove Alexi to…do this?” I painfully choke out.

“I only know of one reason. Our band played at Tavastia about a week ago. Everything went wrong. The guitars were fucked up, nothing was in tune, the microphones weren’t working and we were eventually booed off the stage. Alexi thought this was the end of Children of Bodom, and he got drunk and started running through the streets of Helsinki, screaming and punching the buildings,” Henkka says. It is very typical of Alexi to hit things out of rage, but not to that extent.

“Yesterday, Jaska found Alexi passed out in the streets, unconscious,”

I feel the tears flowing from my eyes. Henkka averts his eyes from the road and onto my face. He touches my arm comfortingly.

“He took fifteen tranquilizers and a few shots of whiskey. We took him to the hospital and they say he is doing fine. Fucked up in the head, but physically fine,”

We arrive at the hospital. I am now shaking, I cannot cry in front of Alexi. I don’t want him to feel worse than he already does. I have to be strong for him. I have to be strong for myself. I wonder if he even knows I’m here.

“Can I help you?” a nurse with long brown hair asks.

“I’m looking for Alexi Laiho’s room,”

“Ah, yes. It’s room four-hundred and sixteen,”

Without thanking her, I run up eight flights of stairs, not stopping once. My legs burn, my heart is beating, I can't catch my breath but I need to see Alexi.

I jog down the hallway until I see room four-hundred and sixteen. I still do not understand why I am so nervous. I came all the way from Estonia to be with him, and if he doesn’t want me here, I might try to kill myself, but be successful at it.

One of the nurses stands next to me and opens the door for me. She must think I'm immobile; which I am in a way.

I see Alexi curled up in a fetal position facing the window. I can't see his face, but I know its dark and gloom.

I cautiously walk to his bed. He doesn’t seem to notice my presence. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. I put my hand on his back and move it back and forth. I’ve missed that feeling so much. He turns around to face me. His face is pale and he looks sickly. Not to mention his weight loss.

“Triinu?” he says disbelievingly. I fight back the tears and smiles. He pulls me into a hug. My torso is digging into the bed bars, but I don’t care. He runs his hands up and down my midsection, causing me to shiver under his touch. The feeling I've had a long time ago reignites. I hear him sniffling, causing me to tear up even more.

“Alexi, I’ve missed you so much” I sob. I told myself to be strong, but it didn’t work. I hear Alexi slightly sob. What a great reunion; we’re both crying.

“Why are you here?” he says into my hair.

“Henkka called me. He told me what happened. I caught the boat to Helsinki this morning and now I'm here,” I say.

He pulls away and wipes the tears from my face.

“You don’t know how hard it's been for me the past year,” Alexi says somberly.

“I assume Henkka told you about Tavastia?” he says. I nod in response.

“It's more than that,” he pauses, “when you left, I didn’t stop crying for days. Every emotion that was bottled up in me escaped. All I could do is hurt myself, drink, smoke and play guitar. My parents found out I started cutting again and kicked me out. I told one of my friends and they told everyone else. Every day, every night, every minute, I think of you. I wondered if you were safe. I didn’t care about anyone until you came along. You changed that. You know I never cared about myself, and I think that’s the reason why I snapped. You brought me happiness to my life and I wasn’t ready to get rid of it. I tried to replace the feeling you gave me by dating another girl. She just used me. All she wanted was for me to give her money and buy her drugs and alcohol. I don’t even know what I saw in her. All I could do is think about you. You never used me; all you did was love me. I got your text message, but I was too afraid to answer. I didn’t think you would want to talk to me. Yesterday, I wanted to die. I thought my band was over, I had no home, I let my friends down and I needed you,” Alexi says. The tears flow from my eyes and onto his shoulder.

“I love you. I always have and I always will,”

“I love you more than you know it. I've done close to the same while I was in Estonia. I stopped eating for two weeks. I passed out a few times, but I was smart enough to know when I was taking it too far. I didn’t speak to anyone other than my grandmother. I never had a minute where I didn’t think of you,” I say.

“Triinu, I promise if you stay with me I’ll take care of you. I’ll give you a place to stay, I’ll give you the home you never had and I will never leave your side,”

“I didn’t want to leave. I was planning on staying in Finland even if you didn’t want me with you,”

Alexi smiles sweetly. I've missed that smile so much. I move closer to his face and he plants his lips on mine. All the fire, all the passion and all the love reignites when I feel his soft lips on mine. I made the right decision by coming back to Finland. My grandmother was right; we did need a break from each other. I want to kill the girl who used Alexi, but I think I’ll let that slide.

I climb into the bed with him, his arms wrapped tightly around my small frame. I nuzzle my head on his chest and close my eyes. Nothing and I mean nothing will come in the way between us.

.x.

Ten years pass since the time Alexi tried to kill himself. We are still going strong as a couple. Yes, we have arguments every now and then, but that is normal. If a couple didn’t argue some of the time, something is wrong with them. Alexi is no longer suicidal and depressed. He stopped cutting shortly after we moved in together. He still gets angry, but other than that, he is a lot happier. Children of Bodom is one of the biggest bands to come out of Finland. His band just released their sixth studio album, Blooddrunk. It has an amazing sound to it and I couldn’t be prouder. Alexi is one of the best guitarists in the world. I already knew that when I first heard him play. Alexi and I live in an apartment is western Helsinki and have a baby kitten. His name is Saatana, which means ‘Satan’ in Finnish.

As for me, I still write and sing. I have one album out and it is well liked in many countries. Alexi is my biggest fan. I am the same for him. We’ve been dating for almost eight years and plan to get married in four years. It has been our promise to each other for a long time. In fact, we have matching tattoos of ‘33’ on our arms. That is the age when we will elope. I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve lost close to all contact with my family. I talk to my eldest brother periodically. He informed me that Katerzyna is expecting her third child at the end of October; I laughed hard. My grandmother passed a year after I moved back to Finland. She had an undiagnosed tumor in her left breast. I always figured she would die of something related to that. She never believed in going to doctors. I was sad, but the way I view life and death made it easier to cope. She did manage to meet Alexi before she passed. She loved him like I thought she would. I believe she is looking down at us, keeping us together.

Alexi and I have been through some very hard times, but nothing will keep us from falling out of love. Not even the distance of thousands of miles can keep us from being together.

I finally found the life I always wanted, the happiness I always deserved and now I can truly say, I am alive.

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Pictures!

Saatana-

Alexi-

Triinu (who is really Kerli)-

Archway of trees-