Dawn's Abyss

There had only been one bullet in Loraine’s gun. A single bullet meant for a single person. That person had been me, but the bullet had never reached its final destination. It had embedded itself into Ashton’s heart and killed him. It was all because I had wanted him to be there with me when I unmasked my father’s murderer. I’d been selfish enough to put the people I cared about in danger, and they had to pay the consequences of my stupid actions.

As I sat here, next to my brother, at Ashton Voss’s funeral, my stomach just kept on churning, and I felt as if I would throw up. It was almost more than I could handle. I could only sit in this church pew and feel all of the curios stares of Ashton’s family members. They knew who I was. I could imagine the whispers of, “That’s the girl who basically killed our poor grandson.”

My face hadn’t been dry since the moment he was shot. Each second of the days that had passed consisted of me sobbing all over the place. It was obvious that one couldn’t run out of tears. I’d been crying for three days straight and the tears just kept on coming. I would cry myself to sleep at night, no matter how pathetic I knew it was. And in the morning when I would wake up, the moisture would still be freely flowing down my face.

I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore or how I could help this feeling of dread. I imagined that Loraine was finally reunited with the Kurl. I guess that was for the best. They couldn’t do any more harm from behind bars. Neither of them would be getting out for a long while.

The priest was still speaking at the front of the church. I tried to listen to what he was saying, but I couldn’t concentrate. I just remembered bringing Ashton’s body back to his house. I’d been the one to tell his parents. I confessed everything to them. I admitted that it was my fault and how horribly bad I felt. I told them that I would never bother of them.

With tears of their own streaming from their eyes, they both laughed sympathetically. “Don’t be silly,” they had said. “We know it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t pull that trigger.” That had made me feel only infinitely worse. I might as well have pulled the trigger. I might as well have thrown him in front of me, so that the bullet would hit him. I might as well have given Loraine the idea to shoot him in the first place. Either way, it was my fault, and there was no denying that.

He’d had months to live before the cancer would take him. He could have finished his bucket list, if he even had one. I didn’t know. We’d only talked about his funeral that one time. He must have known then, that I would be at his funeral. That’s why he’d asked me to sing at it. He knew it wasn’t as far away as I’d imagined. What he didn’t know was just how close it was.

That would also explain his picture in Art class. He knew he wouldn’t be ready to die when the time come. That’s why the coffin lid was partially open. He was trying to come back to life. He didn’t want to leave this world. He hadn’t had a choice . . . thanks to me. I felt the salt-water fall harder and faster down my cheeks. Looking up at his body in the front of the church would be too much for me. I wouldn’t do it.

But now was the time. The priest had just finished telling all of us what a great man Ashton had been. He was asking if anyone had anything they’d like to say.

I stood up. “I have a song I’d like to sing,” I said, clearing my throat and trying to keep my voice from cracking. The least I could do was try and sound moderately good in my final contribution to the boy I’d loved. The boy who had taught me so much. The boy who’d gotten me to find myself. I owed him everything.

The priest nodded appreciatively at me before handing over the microphone. I took it in my hands and stood in front of the altar, next to Ashton’s body. I looked over at if for the first time, and took a deep breath. ‘I wrote this for you, Ashton,’ I thought to myself before the beginning.

It hasn’t been so long,
since I first laid eyes on you.
We met so suddenly,
and I would never have known
how quickly you would leave me.

Goodbye is the last thing
that I want to say to you.
I’ll wipe my tears away,
but the pain will never go.
I need you to know . . .

My heart is missing you.
Tell me why,
why you went away.
I know it’s all my fault,
and I pray to you

The single shot still haunts me;
I hear it in my dreams.
I’ll never know why it was you
when it was my time to go

Goodbye is the last thing
that I want to say to you.
I’ll wipe my tears away,
but the pain will never go.
I need you to know . . .

I wish we’d had more time.
I let only you inside,
and now I’ll never trust
like I trusted you.
Will I ever let this go?

Please, listen when I say
the loss is here to stay,
not like your empty absence;
a void never to be filled.

Goodbye is the last thing
that I want to say to you.
I’ll wipe my tears away,
but the pain will never go.

I’d only been able to hold the choking sobs back for the duration of that song. Now, I fell apart. I sank to my knees with my head in my hands, and I was just overwhelmed. I’d only been able to look at Ashton Voss’s cold, lifeless form while I was singing. I felt so stupid right now. I just gave up and let myself become vulnerable in front of my entire school, the entire Voss family, and all of the other people staring up at me in surprise and amazement.

I guess I would be amazed, too, if I’d just seen a high-school girl sing her heart out and then practically faint. It’s a really good thing that the last thing on my mind right about now was my reputation. I suppose it wasn’t as if I had much of one anyway. This was probably the first time most of the people in school had even noticed me. What a great first impression.

“Dawn, are you okay?” asked a frantic Carson. I lifted my head up to see him looking down at me with worry etched into his expression. That was a comfort, at least. Somebody still cared about me, even after what I’d done. “That was a beautiful song. Did you write it?”

“I’m fine, thank you, and yes,” I told him in response. I got up from my knees and looked around at the people surrounding me. Nearly everyone who’d previously been sitting down were now gathered in a congested crowd around me.

“I’m sorry, everyone,” I apologized, feeling utterly ashamed of my weakness. I didn’t want anyone to see me like that. “But if it would be alright, could I say one last thing up here?”

I was surprised at this forthrightness. Little over a week ago, I didn’t talk to anyone. Now, I was singing and speaking in front of public assemblies. The one I owed it to was the only person who couldn’t be here.

Then, I had a revelation. And everyone was about to know about it. I hoped this audience would feel as strongly about it as I did.

“I’ve only known Ashton Voss since last Monday. I’ve been going to school with him since the beginning of this year, but we hadn’t ever spoken before. I saw him jogging outside my house and felt something that I just could describe. It was surreal, unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.

“Later that morning, Ashton offered me a ride as I was walking to school. I declined, because I didn’t think getting into a car with a stranger would be a good idea. I knew who he was, of course. Everybody did. Ashton Voss was the star quarterback on the varsity football team as a sophomore.

“The reason I turned him down was because I was afraid. I wasn’t afraid of him, but I was afraid of getting to know him. You see, I was a bit anti-social before he came along. I didn’t have any friends, and I didn’t trust anyone. I only spoke when spoken to directly by a teacher. Most of you probably don’t recognize me from school, even.

“Ashton was persistent, though. He didn’t give up on me. At lunch that same day, he sat across from me. Usually, my lunch table was relatively empty. But he sat by me and started up a conversation. I didn’t know what to think, or what to do. I found myself gradually letting him in, and I could imagine why I was doing so.

“The next day, he drove me to the park and we had lunch there. He sang me a song. It was basically my life story in a nutshell, and he sang it to me. I was awed by his voice, but it scared me that he’d been able to read me so very easily. I didn’t like feeling like an open book, but it was also a relief that somebody was getting to know me. I could be myself around one person. I just wasn’t ready to tell him everything yet, though. It had only been two days.

“It didn’t take long, though. On Wednesday, he joined my art class, and I saw his drawing of a coffin. I had no idea what it was pertinent to, until he told me about his cancer. On Thursday, I told him everything there was to know about me, or at least everything I knew about me at that point. He was understanding, just as I’d expected. He always knew just what to say, and I knew he wouldn’t ever let me down.

“Friday he didn’t show up to school. I’m sure all of my classmates out there remember that as the day that Dawn’s Abyss was plastered all over the walls at school. I was mortified, of course. I had no idea who it was, or why someone would try to hurt me like that. It just didn’t make any sense.

“I went home sick in the middle of the day, and the first thing I did when I went home was wish Ashton had been there at school with me. I fell asleep, though. During my nap, I had a dream. It revealed what I needed to know. When I woke up, I immediately called him, but I could only get his answering machine. Just the sound of his voice calmed me down and made me just about forget everything bad that had happened that day. It was just a really phenomenal feeling.

“My revelation led to me finding my brother, Carson. I never knew if I had any family left before I found him. I didn’t know where my parents are or why they left. That’s why I didn’t have a last name before. He was able to explain my past to me. I’d tell you about it, but this day isn’t about me or my history. It’s about Ashton, and how he changed my life.

“He was murdered by a girl you all know to be Loraine Lurk. Her real name is Loraine Kurl, though she’s not actually related to the Algebra teacher at our school. She pointed the gun at me. She’d been hopelessly in love with Ashton, and I can understand that. She thought I had stolen him away from her. I closed my eyes and waited, thinking I would soon be reunited with the members of my family who had passed before me. I think I was ready to die, and I expected it.

“At the last moment possible, he threw himself in front of me. Ashton Voss jumped in front of a bullet for me. He took my place on the deathbed, and I know I’m the one to blame for it. I’m sorry for the misery I’ve caused each and every one of you, but I thought you should all know the truth.

“A week and a half ago, I was the silent, nameless girl who looked like she belonged in New York at a Starbucks. Now, thanks to Ashton Voss, I have a brother who cares about me, I feel like I might be able to make some other friends, even though I’ve lost an irreplaceable one. I’m speaking in front of all you and I sang at his funeral, just like he asked me to. His last words to me were ‘We’re soul mates,’ and I’d never known anything to be truer. Fate brought us two love-struck teenagers together just in time to tear us apart.

“That’s definitely not to say that I’m the only one who lost someone that night. I know I’m not. In fact, most of you have probably known him a lot longer than I have, but I just thought I owed everyone an explanation. Thank you for listening.”

I walked down the aisle, diverting my gaze from the wandering eyes. I sensed someone fall into pace beside me and I knew it was my brother. The tears were falling again. I had just made a fool of myself in front of my entire school and the entire Voss family, but I’d done it for Ashton. That made it worthwhile at least. Maybe nobody would remember my speech, or maybe everyone just thought it was moronic of me, but none of that mattered anymore. I wouldn’t allow myself to care.

“Dawn, wait!” someone cried. I turned abruptly on my heel and nearly fell over. Then, I saw a girl rushing toward me. I wasn’t exactly sure who it was, but she looked to be around Carson’s age and bore a striking resemblance to Ashton. Had I seen her before?

“Yes?” I asked politely, stifling a sigh. I could only hope that she wasn’t going to mock me or ask me what in the world I was thinking for saying all of that. Maybe it was a little crazy of me, after all.

“I’m Lavender Voss,” she introduced herself. That’s right – she’s Ashton’s sister! I’d seen family photos of her around their house when he took me over there. “I just wanted to thank you for doing that. Nobody knew what happened. The police wouldn’t tell us. They said it was confidential, and they only told my parents. They’re too choked up about everything to tell anybody what happened, so it means a lot to me that you would have the decency to do so. I know it must have taken a lot of courage.”

Then she did something I most certainly hadn’t expected, and it was something I could only ever remember doing with one person before. She hugged me like a long-lost sister. I guess in a way, we were connected. Ashton and I are – or were – soul mates, and she was Ashton’s sister. Did that make us soul-mate-in-laws? I didn’t even think there was such a thing.
Suddenly, two more figures had latched on to the embrace. I lifted my head to see Mr. and Mrs. Voss. They were hugging me to; welcoming me into their family. Relief surged through me at full force. They didn’t hate me! I was touched that they were allowing me to be a part of their life, but I wouldn’t be a part of their family. That wouldn’t be right, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it.

“Thank you,” I smiled feebly. “I am eternally grateful for your offer, but I have my own family, and he’s right over there. I’ll see you guys around, okay? Oh, and I am truly sorry about what I’ve caused.”

They only gave me sympathetic looks. The times they’d seen me since the death, they’d already spent trying to convince me of my innocence in their son’s death. They knew it was a lost cause, and there was nothing any of them could do about it to change my mind. We waved goodbye and I walked out of the church to the sound of applause. It wasn’t obnoxious or disrespectful for being in a place of holiness. It was honorary. They were showing their gratitude to me for what I said.

The relief expanded until it filled my insides to a point of bursting. It was so good to know that I didn’t screw up again. I’d made the right choice in telling everyone what had happened. It wasn’t in vain, even if Ashton’s death was.
My head was held high until the door’s closed behind me. I had to stop and take a breath where nobody but my brother could see me. I had to take things slowly now. Who knew what would happen the next time I was overwhelmed. Would I just pass out, or worse?

“Dawn, we need to talk about this,” Carson said seriously. We walked down the front steps until we reached Grandpa Plucky. I sighed impatiently, already knowing what he had to say. I’d heard it all before, and wasn’t in the mood for another lecture. Hadn’t I been through enough?

“I don’t want to hear it, Carson. I know what I did. I know whose fault it is. I know why Ashton Voss is dead. Don’t you see that nothing can change that?” I asked, huffing in frustration. I turned the key aggressively in the ignition and for a moment I thought I’d snapped the key in half. It was only my imagination. It seemed to enjoy playing tricks on me.

“You need to snap out of this wallowing, self-pitiful rut that you appear to have driven yourself into,” he said, taking my hands off the wheel before I could pull out into the freeway. “Look at me!” he demanded.

I did as I was told. He continued on saying, “Don’t you see that there was nothing you could have done to prevent Ashton’s death. I want you to tell me what role you played in his murder?”

“I brought him there!” I cried, flustered with his incomprehension. “I dragged you and him along with me to confront the Kurl! If I hadn’t been so caught up in saving the day, none of this would have happened. Furthermore, I let him jump in front of me! I allowed him to sacrifice his life! I could have just pushed him away if I’d been paying better attention. How can it possibly be anyone else’s fault but my own?”

Carson laughed humorlessly. I didn’t particularly enjoy that dry piece of sarcasm, and I was feeling rather irritable right now. I guess sibling really were there to test my limits. “Ashton would have followed you whether you told him he could come or not. I would have done the same. Do you want to know why? It’s because he cares about you! I care about you!” he released my hands from his grip, but they didn’t return to the steering wheel as he ran a hand through his hair. I took this to be a sign of annoyance. “You and I both wanted to avenged Gabriele’s murder and bring our mother’s stalker to justice. It was instinctual of us to want to watch out for our family, even if we don’t know where they are.”

“That’s not the point, Carson,” I said through gritted teeth.

“I’m not done yet!” he snapped. “There is no way you could have prevented him from jumping in front of you. I would have done the same thing had I not been trying to pry the gun from her hands. It was his sacrifice to make, and wouldn’t you rather he died that way than have had to suffer months of enduring cancer? You had no way of knowing what he was about to do, anyway. Beating yourself up like that is not going to make things any better, Dawn!”

“Well then, who else is there to blame, Carson?” I asked unthinkingly. This whole time that I’d been blaming myself, I hadn’t been thinking about who really was to blame. It wasn’t me. It couldn’t have been me. I’d been on the opposite side of the gun. I’d been the intended target.

“Are you kidding me?” he asked disbelievingly. “What about the girl who pulled the trigger? What about the girl’s mom who started this entire thing in the first place? If anyone is to blame, it’s the Kurl. She most likely forced her bad habits upon Loraine. How could you be to blame for any of that? Are you finally getting some sense into that thick skull of yours?”

I began driving then. I’d given in to the realization that I hadn’t actually killed him. Maybe I would eventually be able to move on with my life, but I still needed time for the wound to heal. It was one of those things that just needed time to stitch itself back up, even if it would leave an everlasting scar.

“I just didn’t know else how to cope, Carson,” I confessed. “I finally knew why it was that we felt that weird connection, and then he gets killed, and I’m not supposed to initially blame myself. It was just too much of a coincidence to only be a . . . well, a coincidence.”

“You’ve seen the light!” he exclaimed, nearly jumping out of his seatbelt. I smiled in wonder. I hoped he and I weren’t too much alike.

As we drove home, I felt another wave of tears attack my face. They were silent, at least. I figured I’d still be crying about this, years from now. What I wanted to figured out now, was where I would go next. Staying in Hazelwood didn’t seem like the right thing to do at a time like this. Maybe if I would go away for a little while and let things cool off in town, nobody would be as sore about me. Maybe I didn’t think his death was my fault anymore, but I didn’t know what everyone else though, despite their positive reaction at the funeral.

I would feel like a coward if I were to just run away from my problems, though. Did I really want to leave Ashton’s memory so abruptly? I didn’t know if I was ready to abandon that. Was it healthy to hold on? This was all new to me, and I had no idea how to handle the situation.

I was a believer. I believed that God was with me. Despite what had happened to Ashton, I knew there must be a reason I was still here and he wasn’t. I wasn’t going to fulfill any of those expectations staying in this dinky old town. Ashton would be with me in soul and heart if I left Hazelwood, wouldn’t he? God would ensure that. If Ashton was with me, in any form, I could do just about anything. I knew I could. And if I executed my destiny, then maybe I might just get to be reunited with Ashton someday in the distant future.

“I think we should travel,” I told Carson, voicing my idea. I thought it was a good suggestion and figured Carson wouldn’t be too opposed, as long as I didn’t remind him that I had school to finish.

“You’re only a sophomore in high school, Dawn. I can’t take you out of school,” he argued half-heartedly. Maybe he would be easy to persuade.
“Alright, fine,” I agreed. “I’ll finish out this year, and we’ll travel over the summer. I’d really like to meet Harvey, and I think it would be a good idea to try and locate Gloria. I bet you she’s still out there somewhere!”

“I would love to find Mom,” he said, clearly lost in an imaginative daydream of his own.

“So, it’s a deal?” I asked excitedly.

“It’s a deal.”