Cocaine
Too Late.
I stumble my way down the darkened streets, searching for somewhere to go. But the problem is that there isnt anywhere to go. Home? No, I can never go back there. Not in the condition I am in. Not with the guilt of what I had done to my family. And not with the guilt of what I had done to myself.
The air is cold and the wind stings my eyes. I am definately not dressed for the weather. When I had left the party I didnt really think much of the weather outside. I didnt really think about much of anything these days.
I am drunk and stoned, but the high is coming down, crashing hard. I feel as if my legs are going to collapse on me at any moment. I feel as if my head is going to explode. I need my fix. I need it badly, and I need it right now.
I reach into the pockets on my torn jeans, finding nothing. I panic slightly and search around, trying to figure out where I am. How could I have wondered so far and not notice? I think I'm in the local park, but Im not sure.
I dont have any money, so I need to find a way to get some. I begin to walk out of the park and towards the busier streets of New Jersey. I dont exactly know where Im going, but I dont need to. I just need to find someone...anyone.
I reach the corner of an unfamiliar street and stand there and wait. Wait for the next car to pull up, and hopefully stop. I stand almost motionless. Unlike the few people who pass by, hugging their arms to their chests and shivering, I feel fine. I know it's cold, but I berely even feel it.
I sigh with releif as a car pulls slowly to a stop in front of me, the window immediately rolls down. I look in at a man who seems to be in his early 30's maybe. He grins and I do my best to put on a fake smile. I open the door and get in, I know the routine...too well.
He asks me where we should go and I tell him to choose, I really dont care. The only thing I care about is the money. He pulls away from the curb and takes off in the direction of the park I had just come from.
I sigh, trying to get my mind off of the drugs. It's near impossible, it's all I think about now. I am an addict, but I refuse to admit it. I can quit anytime I want, cant I? It's my choice, and I choose to keep up the habit. They make me feel like nothing else can, it's hard to explain. It's better than living in this reality, where everything can hurt you. But in the dark, yet bright, world of drugs nothing can hurt you. Every worry and every feeling is gone.
As we enter the park and the car slows, I begin to think about my life before the drugs. Before the alcohol. Before all the trouble. Sometimes it's hard to remember, and sometimes it all comes back to me so quickly it hurts.
The car comes to the stop and I remember what I am doing. I look over to the man in the driver's seat, the look in his eyes pleading for something I know I will give him because I need the money. I will do anything to get the money. I will do anything to get the drugs. I will do anything to temporarily disappear into my own little world and feel nothing.
"Okay, let's do it..." I say, biting my lip and wishing for the will to stop all of this, and to go back to when I was really okay. I want to just drop everything and pretend it never happened, but it isnt as easy as it sounds. Being addicted to coccaine is the the worst possible thing to get yourself into. I would do anything to take it all back and start over, to just say no that first time and have a normal life again.
But it’s a bit too late for that now isn’t it?
The air is cold and the wind stings my eyes. I am definately not dressed for the weather. When I had left the party I didnt really think much of the weather outside. I didnt really think about much of anything these days.
I am drunk and stoned, but the high is coming down, crashing hard. I feel as if my legs are going to collapse on me at any moment. I feel as if my head is going to explode. I need my fix. I need it badly, and I need it right now.
I reach into the pockets on my torn jeans, finding nothing. I panic slightly and search around, trying to figure out where I am. How could I have wondered so far and not notice? I think I'm in the local park, but Im not sure.
I dont have any money, so I need to find a way to get some. I begin to walk out of the park and towards the busier streets of New Jersey. I dont exactly know where Im going, but I dont need to. I just need to find someone...anyone.
I reach the corner of an unfamiliar street and stand there and wait. Wait for the next car to pull up, and hopefully stop. I stand almost motionless. Unlike the few people who pass by, hugging their arms to their chests and shivering, I feel fine. I know it's cold, but I berely even feel it.
I sigh with releif as a car pulls slowly to a stop in front of me, the window immediately rolls down. I look in at a man who seems to be in his early 30's maybe. He grins and I do my best to put on a fake smile. I open the door and get in, I know the routine...too well.
He asks me where we should go and I tell him to choose, I really dont care. The only thing I care about is the money. He pulls away from the curb and takes off in the direction of the park I had just come from.
I sigh, trying to get my mind off of the drugs. It's near impossible, it's all I think about now. I am an addict, but I refuse to admit it. I can quit anytime I want, cant I? It's my choice, and I choose to keep up the habit. They make me feel like nothing else can, it's hard to explain. It's better than living in this reality, where everything can hurt you. But in the dark, yet bright, world of drugs nothing can hurt you. Every worry and every feeling is gone.
As we enter the park and the car slows, I begin to think about my life before the drugs. Before the alcohol. Before all the trouble. Sometimes it's hard to remember, and sometimes it all comes back to me so quickly it hurts.
The car comes to the stop and I remember what I am doing. I look over to the man in the driver's seat, the look in his eyes pleading for something I know I will give him because I need the money. I will do anything to get the money. I will do anything to get the drugs. I will do anything to temporarily disappear into my own little world and feel nothing.
"Okay, let's do it..." I say, biting my lip and wishing for the will to stop all of this, and to go back to when I was really okay. I want to just drop everything and pretend it never happened, but it isnt as easy as it sounds. Being addicted to coccaine is the the worst possible thing to get yourself into. I would do anything to take it all back and start over, to just say no that first time and have a normal life again.
But it’s a bit too late for that now isn’t it?