The Voice Within

“Oh there you are, I’ve been looking for you all day!” Kat sighed relieved, as she plonked herself down next to me in the crèche. Ronnie noticed that for the first time, it looked like Kat had actually gone to school. She was wearing a bright blue and grey school uniform and had a small grey shoulder bag with her.

For once I found myself only nodding back, not really having the strength to talk. The whole day had passed in somewhat of a daze. After having another brief meeting with Rosa about moving in with a foster care family in the evening I had sneaked of to the crèche to hang out with Luke all day. I hadn’t realized how fast time had passed until now.

When I didn’t fully reply Kat continued herself, “And, hello to you to Luke, I haven’t seen you in a while,” she smiled at him, complimenting him on the portrait he was drawing of me, which was enough to earn her his favour. “Soo, Ronnie. What’s up, why the long face? Something wrong?” Kat finally asked her hand on my arm, her face the picture of concern.

I frowned and tilted my head to one side while I thought of how to answer her. Somehow, ‘I just found out that my so called abusive father has possibly murdered someone and could possibly be now coming after my brother and I or it could be that I just found out that my only best friend has died,’ didn’t quite cut it. Instead I swallowed my negative thoughts and tried for a smile. “No, I’m cool, guess I’m just a little bit tired.”

Kat nodded sympathetically her eyes never leaving mine, “Well how about you, and me head out for a little midnight shopping trip, just the two of us?”

I bit my lip, one thing I was definitely not up for was another ‘harmless little shopping trip’, especially one in a public shopping area, with lots of people, where my dad could be lurking around any corner… “I’m sorry Kat, but I can’t. Luke and I are moving to stay with a nearby foster care family this evening,” I explained as Luke handed me his finished drawing.

“Already?” Kat said eyebrows raised. “Well be sure to text me when you get there. Foster families are soo…” I waited for her to find the right adjective, “... interesting. You do have a phone right?”

“Yeah, somewhere upstairs with my things, but the batteries dead and I left my charger in my house,” I stated, speaking the truth.

“Well you can burrow mine then,” was Kat’s steady reply, “Come on, I’ll even help you pack.” Before I could protests I was being hauled to my feet and rushed upstairs. I just about managed to grab Luke to come with us. Where ever I went, Luke was coming to. I was not letting him out of my sight.

As I had guessed my phone was mostly clear with only a couple missed calls from my dad which I did not hesitate to delete. He had left a voicemail, but just the thought of hearing his voice made me feel sick. Now I could imagine, exactly how it had happened. He had probably woken up somewhere, in the pub, in an alleyway or wherever, with a serious hangover and no idea of where he was. Then he had called me, expecting me to come and find him, help him or give him directions, and when I hadn’t answered it had only angered him further. It was getting me worked up just thinking about it. That poor policewoman, she must not have known what had hit her when he arrived home. It should have been me there; Luke tucked away in bed but I wasn’t there.

“Ronnie, Luke we’re here!” Rosa announced cheerfully snapping me out of my reverie as she pulled up beside the lone house. I rubbed my eyes wandering how we had got from the foster care to here, when had time started moving so fast? I shook Luke awake and helped him out of the car. The sun was already beginning to fade as it was getting quite late. I was touched by Rosa coming all this way to drop us off, though she had already assured us it was her job as a social worker. We stood quite awkwardly, us three on the porch of the nice looking house. It wasn’t that far from the main city, but was very secluded standing here all by itself. I tried to rouse myself, see if I could feel any excitement, nervousness or anticipation to meet with the family Luke and I were going to be staying with until who know how long, but I couldn’t. I just felt empty.

The door eventually opened and we found ourselves face to face with Mrs Johnson, a short thin lady with a drooling baby on her hip and long blonde hair with only a couple scattered grey sounds. As soon as I saw her I immediately found myself classing as another Rosa; someone who was willing to help people like Luke and I for a living, but probably regretted it later judging by the amount of paperwork always cluttering Rosa’s desk and the early wrinkles by the sides of Mrs Johnson’s mouth and eyes. She seemed nice enough though as she invited us in and said goodbye to a rushed Rosa who was on borrowed time. Inside the house there were only more kids. Mrs Johnson introduced the baby as Johnny, as shy nine year old boy as Sonny and a three year old toddler as Lucie. The house was lovely inside, not too big as it had that warm cosy feeling inside. Mrs Johnson explained that there was leftover pasta for them but they had already eaten. Instead I told her that we were mainly just tired and wanted to go bed. I felt sorry for the poor woman, when she embarrassedly explained that Luke and I would be sharing until she could get the rooms sorted.

“But I don’t want to go to bed,” Luke whined throwing his pajamas back on the floor.

“Come on, Luke it’s almost your bed time anyway. I tell you what I’ll tell you a story before we go to sleep?” I suggested desperately, too tired to argue.

Luke stopped whining for a minute considering my suggestion, but then he shook his head, the scowl returning to his lips. “No,” he stamped his foot, “I want daddy. He wouldn’t make me go to sleep so early!” I literally stopped breathing. “Ronnie?” Luke asked in a small voice his head down, now upset at the tears that were sliding down my cheeks.

“It’s okay, just go to bed okay,” I gulped, hiding my face with my hands. Was the room really spinning like that? “Or go to Mrs Johnson, do whatever you want, okay.” I couldn’t stay in the room any longer, couldn’t look at Luke for a second longer. He was so young, he couldn’t know what he was saying, but… did he have to ask for him? If there was anyone who should understand, it was Luke. He was the only one who’d been there through it all. I didn’t stop walking down the hallway, opening doors until I found the bathroom. The walls were an ugly green, the tiles stained with what looked like baby vomit. I locked the door, placed my hands on either sides of the sink and took in deep lung full breaths of air, trying to still my throbbing heartbeat. I raised my head to once again stare at the strange girl in the mirror. I felt the eerie feeling of déjà-vu as I remembered doing the exact same thing, how many days ago, in the mirror at school. Then I was shocked at the bruises and how weak I looked; now I feel myself seeing exactly the same thing. Only the bruises weren’t on the outside they were on the inside, my dad was still repeatedly beating me up, hurting me from the inside. Perhaps it was already too late and I was damaged for good.

I closed my eyes, blinking back tears wishing I could rewind time back to when mum was alive. When I opened my eyes I got the shock of my life. Liz was standing right behind me. I opened and closed my eyes again but she was still there! She was just standing there, clear as day in her favourite hoodie and jeans staring at me with her concerned eyes. Reaching out to the second girl in the mirror I whispered, “Liz? Where have you been?”