The Voice Within

“Don’t change the subject! Just tell me Ronnie. Please? You can trust me, I promise,” he had hold of Ronnie’s arm now and she could tell that he was serious and wasn’t going to let her go until she answered his question.

But she couldn’t tell him. It was too early, no one should know about Liz yet, not until it was all over and she and Luke were safe. She needed to come up with a lie, and fast.

Sighing heavily, Chase pulled her to side of the street and they both sat down on a nearby bench. “We’re going to be really late for school… My social worker won’t be too happy, not to mention what Kat will say if she finds out…” Ronnie tried meekly.

Chase rolled his eyes, “Oh please, it’s not as if Kat’s going to school herself, and you’d be surprised how compliant social workers and foster mums can be when it comes to the rules. Plus, the statistic of how many foster kids suddenly get lost on their way to school is surprisingly high,” Chase joked. Ronnie wasn’t too sure she was ready to be labeled as a foster kid yet. She wasn’t even ready to really come to terms with her ‘situation’ yet. Her life had flipped upside down so suddenly Ronnie hadn’t even had a moment to breathe. All of a sudden she had become the person who forgot about her little brother’s birthday, bunked off school, and lied to the people who were only trying to help her. Chase didn’t deserve that.

Ronnie took a deep breath and decided that she would tell Chase the truth, just not the one he wanted to hear. “The truth is, the reason why I’ve been acting so weird lately, is because of all the pressure this counselor’s been giving me lately. After what d…” Ronnie stopped herself before she could call the man who had been beating her up for the past several years her father, “... well after Tom abused that police man, my counselor, Rosa, says that he’ll be charged for assault as well as charges for abusing his children. She says that chances are, I will probably have to testify in court. She keeps asking all these questions about my dad and when did he start abusing me and how many times did we go to the hospital e.tc. Only I can’t remember everything, I don’t see why they just can’t leave me alone!” Ronnie sighed helplessly as she slumped against the hard bench. “She says that we might even have to try this thing called ‘hypnotherapy’.”

Ronnie risked a glance at Chase to see if he had fallen asleep of boredom at her babblings but he wasn’t. Instead he was looking at her with another one of his intense stares, his eyebrows raised in disbelief.

“What? You don’t believe me?” Ronnie frowned biting her lip nervously.

“No, course I do,” he smiled, “It’s just that you’re so strong. You know how to cook, clean you’ve looked after your baby brother, practically your whole life, but you can’t remember all the times your dad hit you?”

“It’s not as easy as it seems, what if I don’t want to remember? Whenever my… whenever Tom hurt me I used to pretend that I was the genie from Aladdin and with the click of my fingers I could wish it all away. Mind over matter; if I didn’t want it to be, the cuts weren’t there and the pain wasn’t real and I was just a normal teenage girl trying to live my life. We weren’t doing so badly you know. Now everything’s different and I can’t be sure of anything anymore.” To her embarrassment, somewhere in her sob little story, Ronnie began to cry.

“I’m sorry,” she said, hanging her head, “I never used to be so soft.”

Chase took her head in his hands and wiped away her tears with his fingers, “Don’t ever be sorry for crying,” and then he took her in his arms, and Ronnie unable to stop herself, cried all the tears she would have cried after every time she’d been left bruised and beaten on the floor.

“So do you want to try it?” he said after a while.

“Try what?” Ronnie smiled curiously. Liz was making desperate gestures behind his back, to say they had no time for this and that she should hurry up and get to school. For once, Ronnie ignored her, too intrigued to see what Chase had to say.

“Hypnotherapy. You’re lucky, that I just happen to be a genius at it.”

“Really? I never knew you were a doctor,” Ronnie said, playing along.

“Well now you do, and since I’m the doctor, I say you have to do exactly as I say. Now, close your eyes.” Chase ordered. Ronnie narrowed her eyes skeptically. “I’m serious! And no peaking.” Seeing that there was no harm, Ronnie decided to follow. “Okay, now tell me exactly where you were and what you were doing on this day, last year…”

“How am I supposed to remember that…” Ronnie began. But she did remember, and even just the thought of this day made her shudder. “Shoot, I’ve forgotten, it’s Luke’s birthday today!” She made a move to get up, Chase instantly had her in an iron grip, pulling her back to the bench and sitting her down so that she had her back to him and his arms around her. Ronnie didn’t know if she felt trapped or comforted.

“Okay, so it’s Luke’s birthday… did you go out?” Chase whispered in her ear, making her shiver.

“No… I mean yes. We went out to this little cottage my parents own in Bournemouth near the beach. We used to go for everyone’s birthday there when mum was alive, but we hadn’t been since she died. That day, Tom got it in his head that we should all pack up and take a couple days off school and spend a couple days in the cottage like a normal happy family.”

“Only it didn’t work out…”

“Yea, you’re absolutely right.” Ronnie said, the memories coming back quicker now. In fact, she could remember it like it was yesterday. It was the day she had decided she was going to kill herself…

A dreadful lost hopelessness welled up inside of her making her dizzy and sick with the physical force of it. The waves called to her it seemed. She teetered on the edge in the cold and the wind. Her hair whipped in front of her face, blinding her eyes. She peered down over the top and for a second she thought she could see her reflection. Her face was a blur; tear streaked, her snot running down her nose. One thing that was clear was her anger, her fury. It had grown. Grown inside of her since the day her mother died, and now it was boiling over. She was going to explode. She could end it now, it would be so easy. One last dive and then no more suffering. For once she could do something for herself, her own decision. And he wouldn’t be there to stop her. But what about Luke? No, for once it was not going to be her or anyone else in the family who would suffer.

She turned away from the cliff edge and raced home, her feet hitting the pavement so hard it almost overtook the sound of her racing heartbeat.

Within seconds she was home and the cottage and everything was the same. Only now, she saw it as a prison. She opened the door, her knuckles white as she clenched the door handle. Inside Luke was still crying softly on the sofa, while dad was outside, ferociously hacking away at the weeds, tacking his anger out on them. If only it was always like that.

Silently she slipped upstairs. She was a robot; all feelings and emotions erased, all she could see was her pain. She walked into her dad’s room. She didn’t need to search, didn’t need to look or hesitate. His gun was lying where it always was; underneath his pillow. It was fully loaded and ready for use as always.

She retraced her steps to the back garden and slammed the door to the outside so hard, the glass on the door cracked, cutting the tender skin on her palm. But she wasn’t tender now, she was turbulent; furious, mad, enraged. She was invincible. No one could stop her. Her father turned around, ready with some smart comment about her quick return. But he froze when he saw his gun. Her grip tightened on the trigger as the heavens opened and a hard rain beat down all around them. She stared down at her father. Who was hopeless now? She looked up into his eyes and she saw a reflection of herself. All the pain she had to go through, all the times he had hit her. She closed her eyes, she could do it. She couldn’t do it. Why couldn’t she do it?

She opened her eyes again, and saw her father looking at her, a small smug smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. He knew she couldn’t do it. The gun fell out of her hands. It was useless, she was a coward and a failure. She couldn’t even end her own miserable life, let alone his. She deserved her punishment.

“…That was the worst time. I suffered a broken arm, cracked ribs, a concussion and I needed stitches in both arms from where I tried to defend myself, which I apparently all got from reckless cliff jumping on holiday. I did the one thing Tome couldn’t stand – I stood up to him, tried to show him who’s boss. That’s why Luke and I should never have left, he won’t stop until he’s got us back and then he’ll kill us both, just to teach us a lesson.” Ronnie was trembling when she was done. Now that she had let herself remember, she didn’t feel any release, just the burning yearning for revenge.

Where was Liz?

Chase’s mobile buzzed and he cursed at the interruption. “It’s okay,” Ronnie said standing up, “We should probably be getting back anyway. But, will you come with me after school to pick Luke up? He must be so mad at me right now thinking that I’ve forgot his birthday. I’ve got to congratulate him as soon as possible.”