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The Voice Within
Deja-vu
A memory. It’s summer, the sun is high in the sky, it’s stubborn rays shine through the blinds, drawing yellow lines across a little girl’s face. She giggles playfully as she tries to catch the moving light, when it creeps across her dress. She’s abruptly interrupted by her mother, sitting at her work desk nearby. Her mother throws down her workbooks, whips up from the table so fast that her chair clatters to the ground. Her mother sighs heavily, claws her hand through her hair, her face mirrors her daughters infectious smile. And suddenly the mother can’t take it any more, she pulls down the blinds, lets the sun in while she hurriedly dresses the girl in her thin jacket, shoving on her shoes. They burst through the door, into the sunshine, the wind echoes their happiness. The girl clings to her mother’s coat her eyes wide and curious. They run down to the park hand in hand, hopping over the fence, the sun following them every step of the way.
“The swing! The swing!” the girl shrieks climbing onto the wooden plank.
“Hold tight!” her mother warns, as she pulls the swing higher and higher, and then with a sudden whoosh letting it go. The mother laughs, her soft voice travelling through the air.
The girls scared now, the swing seems a thousand feet of the ground.
“Don’t worry honey. Mummy’s got you,” her mother reassures her, whispering in her ear, “Sit back, and look up to the sky. You’re flying!”
The girl looks back and is amazed by what she sees. She is flying! She’s flying! Like a bird, she’s soaring through the skies; the wind playfully ruffles her hair. Her hands still cling to the rails, not wanting to let go.
“Mummy’s here,” her mother reassures her again, “And she’s never going to let you go, do you hear?”
The girl’s to happy to nod, she smiles, a wide smile that stretches from ear to ear. Her head turned towards the sun like an expectant flower. She loosens her grip and soars higher and higher. Mummy’s there and she was never going to let her go.
I jumped awake, my mind still in the dream trying to grasp its last threads. But it was gone, and when I opened my eyes I was back in the hospital room again, sitting in a chair beside Liz’s bed. Silent tears began to stream down my cheeks as I thought back to my dream. It wasn’t often I dreamt of my mother but when I did, the hardest thing was waking up. Waking up to the real world and finding that my mum wasn’t here anymore, but instead there was my physco father. And this time when I woke up I had to tell myself I wasn’t dreaming again, being in a hospital reminded me too much of when the last time I had been in one, three years ago it had been my mum lying on the hospital bed. But now it was Liz.
I walked over to her bed and made myself look at her. Liz lay half dead in the middle of the hospital bed, white tubes snaking in and out of her. Her eyes with stubbornly closed shut . . . for forever? Who knew? Her skin was pale and blue with bruises that lined the whole left side of her body.
"You should see yourself now Liz; we match you and me, you’re covered in bruises, just like me," I whispered to myself. The thought just made me cry harder. It was then that I felt someone was watching me. I instinctively turned around and found Liz’s mum sitting in the corner her eyes fixed on me. It was obvious she had been crying, her make-up trickled down her cheeks but she didn’t move to fix it. Her hands stayed balled in fists on her lap, but her hate filled eyes didn’t surprise me.
“Shouldn’t you be at home?” she asked, spitting out her words.
“No,” I immediately replied trying not to worry about where Luke was now.
“The teacher told me all about what happened,” she continued, rising from her chair her eyes still fixed on me. I shamefully looked away to stare at my feet. “She told me all about your plan to ditch school. What were you thinking? Liz would never do something like that, but I can see now, that with you as her friend…”
My mouth dropped, I was shocked at what she was saying. It was all nonsense, but I could understand how it looked. In the middle of class, I had asked to go to the toilet, then I had ‘met up with Liz’ and we had both just walked out of school. But still it was Liz who had wanted to bunk of school, not me, I had wanted to stop her. I opened to my mouth to say something, to set her mum straight but I knew I couldn’t. She was upset, and needed someone to blame. I turned towards Liz as if she could tell me what to do.
“That’s it, look at her. How could you let this happen?” she said, I said nothing, knowing how the truth would sound. “In future I want you to stay well away from my . . .”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I burst out of the hospital room cutting off her mum, when I knew what she was going to say. I ran past the nurses and burst out of the hospital and outside. All the while I could Liz’s mum’s words echoing around in my head: “How could you let this happen?” I bit my lip and ran faster trying to block out my dads voice in my head, “No, Ronnie. That’s where you’re wrong. You’re everything like me.” My heart was rocketing in my ribs, me legs already tired but I kept running, away from the hospital, away from dad, away from everything.
“The swing! The swing!” the girl shrieks climbing onto the wooden plank.
“Hold tight!” her mother warns, as she pulls the swing higher and higher, and then with a sudden whoosh letting it go. The mother laughs, her soft voice travelling through the air.
The girls scared now, the swing seems a thousand feet of the ground.
“Don’t worry honey. Mummy’s got you,” her mother reassures her, whispering in her ear, “Sit back, and look up to the sky. You’re flying!”
The girl looks back and is amazed by what she sees. She is flying! She’s flying! Like a bird, she’s soaring through the skies; the wind playfully ruffles her hair. Her hands still cling to the rails, not wanting to let go.
“Mummy’s here,” her mother reassures her again, “And she’s never going to let you go, do you hear?”
The girl’s to happy to nod, she smiles, a wide smile that stretches from ear to ear. Her head turned towards the sun like an expectant flower. She loosens her grip and soars higher and higher. Mummy’s there and she was never going to let her go.
I jumped awake, my mind still in the dream trying to grasp its last threads. But it was gone, and when I opened my eyes I was back in the hospital room again, sitting in a chair beside Liz’s bed. Silent tears began to stream down my cheeks as I thought back to my dream. It wasn’t often I dreamt of my mother but when I did, the hardest thing was waking up. Waking up to the real world and finding that my mum wasn’t here anymore, but instead there was my physco father. And this time when I woke up I had to tell myself I wasn’t dreaming again, being in a hospital reminded me too much of when the last time I had been in one, three years ago it had been my mum lying on the hospital bed. But now it was Liz.
I walked over to her bed and made myself look at her. Liz lay half dead in the middle of the hospital bed, white tubes snaking in and out of her. Her eyes with stubbornly closed shut . . . for forever? Who knew? Her skin was pale and blue with bruises that lined the whole left side of her body.
"You should see yourself now Liz; we match you and me, you’re covered in bruises, just like me," I whispered to myself. The thought just made me cry harder. It was then that I felt someone was watching me. I instinctively turned around and found Liz’s mum sitting in the corner her eyes fixed on me. It was obvious she had been crying, her make-up trickled down her cheeks but she didn’t move to fix it. Her hands stayed balled in fists on her lap, but her hate filled eyes didn’t surprise me.
“Shouldn’t you be at home?” she asked, spitting out her words.
“No,” I immediately replied trying not to worry about where Luke was now.
“The teacher told me all about what happened,” she continued, rising from her chair her eyes still fixed on me. I shamefully looked away to stare at my feet. “She told me all about your plan to ditch school. What were you thinking? Liz would never do something like that, but I can see now, that with you as her friend…”
My mouth dropped, I was shocked at what she was saying. It was all nonsense, but I could understand how it looked. In the middle of class, I had asked to go to the toilet, then I had ‘met up with Liz’ and we had both just walked out of school. But still it was Liz who had wanted to bunk of school, not me, I had wanted to stop her. I opened to my mouth to say something, to set her mum straight but I knew I couldn’t. She was upset, and needed someone to blame. I turned towards Liz as if she could tell me what to do.
“That’s it, look at her. How could you let this happen?” she said, I said nothing, knowing how the truth would sound. “In future I want you to stay well away from my . . .”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I burst out of the hospital room cutting off her mum, when I knew what she was going to say. I ran past the nurses and burst out of the hospital and outside. All the while I could Liz’s mum’s words echoing around in my head: “How could you let this happen?” I bit my lip and ran faster trying to block out my dads voice in my head, “No, Ronnie. That’s where you’re wrong. You’re everything like me.” My heart was rocketing in my ribs, me legs already tired but I kept running, away from the hospital, away from dad, away from everything.