Soliloquy

I felt so ashamed of what I'd done that I didn't speak to Alphonse for the rest of the week. There was enough to do around Deathcreeke that I could talk myself into just being too tired to go speak to him, tell him I was sorry for running off like that so abruptly, but I couldn't find the courage. I was too embarrassed about running off...and something else. I was sad. Sad that I'd fallen in love with Alphonse, because I knew he was going to be taken away from me. One day he'd be there and the next he'd be gone, and I'd be standing in the rain, clutching my black parasol, wondering why Death had come to take him. Part of me wanted to forget him. And part of me felt embarrassed that I couldn't tell him, that I couldn't apologize.

On the day of the masquerade, I tried to put myself in a better mood. I finished Pride and Prejudice, which left a warm feeling within my heart, but then a sad feeling again when I wished that a happy ending could happen to Alphonse and I. But even if he were to live, why would he love me? We'd known each other for such a small amount of time. I didn't even know how I could feel so much so quickly, and I tried to reason with myself that love was not the feeling that was growing inside my heart. For how could I know what love was? I'd only read about it in those fantastic novels that my mother made sure I never let father catch me reading. I was young, though, I tried to reason.

But by the time I was finally fitted into my gown and had the mask tied securely around my head, I knew there was no mistaking my feeling. For what else could make me feel so light and yet so heavy? What else could make me want to cry and laugh? I'd never felt this happy and sad at the same time. Happy because he was beautiful and kind, sad because I could never tell him and because he was so far away.

The masquerade was in full swing when I reached the ballroom in the back of Deathcreeke. There were, of course, people milling in the foyer and I'd had to stop and say hello to all the people I knew and had been introduced to some I didn't know, but I eventually made it to the ballroom of the manor and felt a fluttery feeling in my stomach as I entered. I'd never been inside the ballroom, but it was beautiful and grand. It had high ceilings and millions of candles were hung down from it, lighting the room like diamonds. The stars and moons Lily had wanted hung down, as well. They were sparkly, glittery things that made the room feel magical. The shimmering chandeliers cast faceted glows onto all the guests.

I instantly recognized Lily, standing on the sides, welcoming her scores of guests. It was closely packed here, and I soon became hot in my gown. The tight corset I was wearing did not ease the pain of breathing either. I ran to Lily and saw that Charles was standing next to her. Since that fateful day in the dining hall I had not said more than two words to him. He made me nervous.

Lily kissed both my cheeks when she saw me and I smiled beneath my mask and let Charles kiss my hand. He looked at me with a friendly, fatherly sort of smile and I knew that whatever had happened the other day was all in the past. I should just forget about it. I almost felt like Charles's kind grin was an apology. I smiled and bobbed my head, accepting it. Then I looked to Lily. "What a grand party, Lily! I daresay I've never been to anything quite like this."

She laughed with pleasure, but it was Charles that answered. "My wife knows how to bring people together, does she not?" he asked and I grinned, nodded and looked again to Lily.

"I do not recognize many people here...where are they all from?" I questioned.

With a flippant wave of the hand, Lily looked around the room. "Oh from here and from there, they're all acquaintances I've met years past. I invite most everyone I know to this event. They are all part of the fashionable London society, which you will meet when we depart for London next month, just before Christmas," she explained.

A wave of shock went through me. Depart for London...next month...as in, after Alphonse was dead? "But why?" I asked curiously.

Lily looked confused and then smiled. "But surely you knew. We're sponsoring you to have a season in London. That is, of course, if you don't find yourself attatched to anyone before then. However, I've always wanted to go down to London for a season. I'm sure all the grand parties and balls will be quite...distracting." Her use of the word distracting sent chills up my spine. Distracting. The parties of London would distract her from the death of her most beloved son. I looked to Charles, who looked uncomfortable.

"You do not wish to go to London?" I asked.

He broke out in a charming smile. "Oh no, of course I'd love to go." I did not feel as if he were genuine, though. He looked to something behind me then and I turned. Even with their elaborate gowns, suits and masks, the Morgensterns were easy to spot. They were a tight group of seven that most people darted away from if one got to close. The people parted as they all walked together, making their way towards us. Prince was in the front, a tall, almost imposing figure in dark green. It complimented his dark auburn hair gently and made him look quite dashing. Wren clutched onto his elbow in a gown of black silk. If there was anyone who could wear black when they were not in mourning, it was Wren Morgenstern.

The seven Morgensterns filed out in front of Lily, Charles and I and bowed ceremoniously. When they arose, I saw that Prince was looking directly at me. His next words, however, were directed to Lily. "If you would not mind, Mrs. Wainwright," he said charmingly, "I would like to steal Miss Brighton for the quadrille."

Lily flushed pink herself. "Of course not, Mr. Morgenstern. I'm sure Miss Faerie would love to be escorted onto the floor," she said. With that Prince walked to me, bowed his head and lifted his elbow. I bobbed a curtsy and took his arm.

"You look quite beautiful, Miss Brighton. It is a pity I have seen so little of you this past week," he commented.

I felt my insides squirm. Just thinking of the people I'd seen so little of made me think of Alphonse. "Ah yes, well, you see I've been quite busy here. There has been much to get ready for this grand masquerade." Prince smiled enigmatically as we took our places across from each other in the line. "Mr. Morgenstern-" I started, however, Prince cut me off.

"Haven't I told you to call me Prince?" he asked with a debonair smile.

I felt heat in my cheeks. "Of-of course," I said, cursing myself silently for the stutter. I lifted my head once more as the dance started. "Prince," I said, "are you..." This was difficult to say, but Prince looked interested. I sighed. "Charles seems to be under the impression that you are courting me," I explained.

Prince gave me a strange look that I could see through his mask. It was a strange concoction of dark green and gold dust. It was similar to many of the masks the other young gentlemen wore, but somehow was grander, more noble. "I had never thought of that," he confessed, for once looking uncomfortable. "I suppose if you wish to be courted, I could ask formally for his permission, seeing as he is your guardian for now," he told me. Strangely enough, I felt flattered that he wouldn't mind courting me. Courting usually ended in a marriage proposal, and it was quite a compliment to hear that, even though a marraige proposal from Prince Morgenstern was the last thing I wanted.

"Actually I..." I started, "I would rather you didn't. It is nice to have you take such good care of me at these balls, but you see, I'm not sure I'm ready for..." I trailed off, unsure of how to finish the sentence. The truth was that I wasn't ready for marriage...with anyone. Not with Prince, not with Alphonse. Of course, a marriage to Alphonse seemed impossible anyway, so I put it out of my mind.

With a nod, I knew Prince understood. "Say nothing more about it, Miss Brighton. It is nice to have something- someone to look forward to at these balls, which sometimes can be quite tedious. But I understand. And maybe sometime in the future..." he said. I nodded, and did not say that I didn't think I'd ever want to be married to him. If there was absolutely no way to change the fate of Alphonse Wainwright and I lost him too, I didn't think I'd ever want to be married. Maybe I'd just dissappear...leave for the continent, or maybe even America. The dance ended, which I was glad for. I curtsied to Prince, which was the polite thing to do, and turned away from him. Suddenly the room felt too oppressive and it was even harder to breathe in my corset.

I made my way to where the footmen were serving punch and hors d'oeuvres. Supper would be served in a few hours, but people were happy for now to just drink the punch, eat the petit sandwhiches, fill up their dance cards, flirt with each other and gossip about the other people in the room. I felt eyes on me as I walked to the footmen. It was not really acceptable for women to get their own drinks, but I did not care. I did not wish to have an escort at this moment in time, and I felt like glaring at all the women who were whispering about me. Where was Victoria? Or Olive? Oh why couldn't I recongize them in the sea of masks and gowns?

"We are anomalies, you see," I heard in my ear as I collected my punch. I turned my head to see Wren Morgenstern standing by herself, looking regal. Behind her mask, though, I could see a different emotion lurking in her eyes, an emotion she was hoping was hidden by the feathers that adorned her black mask.

"Beg pardon?" I asked.

She smiled wickedly. "You are the posh London girl who doesn't attend church." It was true; when Lily and Charles had departed for Sunday mass, I had not joined them. I'd never gone to church before, and the death of my mother made me not want to even more. "I am the terrible, parentless, wild Morgenstern girl. We are different, they do not understand us," she told me.

I held my head up high. "I am understood," I challenged, even though I knew I was not. Nobody here was like me, and it was true.

Wren ignored my words and moved even closer to me. "What news of Alphonse Wainwright?" she whispered.

I shrugged, turning up my chin. "I do not know, nor do I care." I had no idea why this question provoked such hostility in me, but I did not want Wren of all people to know of my childish behavior to Alphonse. If she knew how I'd acted, she would simply stare at me coldly and tell me to go back, apologize and do whatever I could to try and instill some hope of life into him. I did not tell her that I thought it futile. Alphonse would not live and I would be alone once again. Wren did not respond to me and walked away, her back ramrod straight. It left a bad taste in my mouth and I turned back to the footmen to get more punch. It was then that the string orchestra started playing the first few chords of a song I recognized.

It was the waltz that my mother had hummed for me when I'd practiced learning the dance and was the waltz that I had hummed when I'd danced with Alphonse. Couples who had permission from Lily to waltz would be going to the floor now, and I felt sick to my stomach. I put down my glass of punch and was about to turn to leave the room when I heard a voice behind me. "May I have this dance, Miss Brighton?" it asked me.

My heart spasmed as I turned to see a tall, handsome young man standing before me. He was dressed in black breeches, a spotless white cravat and black jacket that fit well on his broad shoulders. His night black hair was brushed and glossy, tied back at the nape of his neck with a white ribbon. Upon his face he wore a pure white mask lined in black that obscured most of his face. But I knew who he was. He looked every inch a true gentleman, and my knees suddenly turned to jelly. "I do not...have...permission," I managed to squeak out, but his mouth just twisted into a smile and he whisked me away from the table into the middle of the people. He placed his hand at the small of my back and another hand in mine. And then we were dancing with the other couples, beneath a myriad of stars, moons and candles.

It was when he finally had me on the floor that he spoke. "Why did you run from me, Faerie?" he asked quietly. "And why did you not return?" I turned my face to the blurry people standing at the edges of the group. "Look at me," he commanded in a whisper and I did.

"Oh Alphonse..." was all I could find to say. "You could never understand," I told him.

If I could have seen more of his face, I was sure it would have been annoyed. "You underestimate me, Faerie. On the contrary, I think I understand more than you do," he said. "I may have been confided to the North Wing most my life, I may have not learned the ways of the world as you have learned them, but I think I understand more...at least more than you think. I am not ignorant to people. And most of all, I am not ignorant to you."

"We cannot talk about this here, not now," I said in what I knew was a strangled voice. "Do you have permission from your parents to be here, at least?" I asked.

Alphonse laughed a bit. "Not at all. My parents denied vehemently any time I asked if I could attend. So I took one of my father's suits when he was asleep. He keeps them all in his dressing room, which is a different room than his bedchamber. He did not even notice they were missing. And then of course, I just picked up the first mask I saw that someone had already taken off. Do not worry, no one knows who I am. I have already gotten more than a few admiring, yet bewildered, looks from young women."

I scowled, jealousy rearing its ugly head inside me. "Yes and they're all twits, so you best not go hanging about them."

Alphonse's dark eyebrow, or at least, what was visible of it, shot up in amusement. "Ah yes? But you know, that informative - albeit short - waltzing lesson you gave me has certainly paid off. I am not stepping on the feet of the lady I am trying to woo, am I now?" His words sent a thrill through my veins. My head felt muddled and confused.

"What...what are you talking about?" I asked. The music was moving towards its crescendo now and Alphonse and I were in the middle of the group that was twirling around and around and around.

He leaned quite close to me. "Tell me why you ran from me, the truth, or I will kiss you. Right here. In front of all these people." My heart sputtered with excitement.

"You wouldn't dare," I said.

"Wouldn't I?" he asked. "You are not anonymous. People know who you are. No one knows who I am. It would be quite a scandal for you."

I looked at him carefully. "You're bluffing. You wouldn't scandalize me." An innocent smile came over Alphonse's face. I took a deep breath. "I will tell you. But not here." Alphonse nodded and we started moving to the edge of the group that was waltzing. The music was coming to its end, anyway. We made our way to the edge of the people who were standing and stopped dancing. There, he took my elbow within his and we made our way through the crowd of people. I leaned into him. "You cannot just take me away from the party. That too, would be a scandal, I fear, if anyone saw us."

"Then go through the door and make your way to the North Wing. I will follow," he told me, leaving my elbow. I turned to him.

"You won't...dissappear? You won't get distracted by some beautiful young girl and forget about me?" I asked. "You musn't. I shall never speak to you again if you do," I told him. I knew that if I could see Alphonse's face, he would be rolling his eyes. He pushed me away from him and I gave him one last look before departing away from him alone. I tried to think of an exuse to why I'd run from him. All manner of lies passed through my brain. But how could I lie to him? My dear, sweet Alphonse? I had to tell him the truth and run before he could say anything in return. I slipped into the North Wing without letting anyone see me. No one really cared about some young girl leaving the party anyway. They were all too wrapped up in their scandals, gossip, flirtatious...I did not signify.

My feet were too loud on the quiet floor, but the noise was drowned out by my fast beating heart. I heard Alphonse's footsteps behind me and stopped. The North Wing was all lit up and the windows showed a brilliant dark twilight beyond the horizon. The sky was deep blue, almost purple. At the edge was just the hint of a pink and an orange. The sun was gone completley. I looked to Alphonse, who was taking off his mask. I saw a difference in him that took my breath away.

He was the gentleman he should be. Somehow he had had life breathed into him. He did not look gaunt or skeletal anymore, the way he had. When I found my voice, it was hushed. "You are changed," I said.

The last few steps he took towards me were painfully slow. "I am happy," he said, as he pulled my mask away from my face. "Why did you run from me? Why did you leave me to my own devices for that entire week? Why did you abandon me?"

"Promise that no matter what I say, you will not hate me." Alphonse arched an eyebrow. "Promise. And you must promise that you will not laugh at me, either."

Alphonse put up his hands in protest. "I promise," he said to me.

"I believe that I..." My throat felt suddenly dry, it caught. My throat was blocked. I swallowed. A heat burned behind my eyes. "I believe that I am," the words were more difficult than I could ever imagine, "falling in love with you." With that, Alphonse laughed. I glared at him. "You promised!" I choked out, feeling stupid. I did not want or need to cry. Burying my face in my hands, I tried my best to stifle any sobs that were threatening. I knew I should have never said anything. Alphonse had laughed. And that felt infinitely worse than him hating me.

Then I felt his hands on mine, pulling them away from my face. He leaned down to me with a smile on his face. "Oh Faerie, you silly little thing. What am I going to do with you? Crying when you should be happy." He shook his head. "I am laughing because I am surprised that you - perfect, beautiful, kind, sweet - you, could ever love an ugly, damnable creature such as I." He took in a breath. "And laughing because I was so sure that the love I had for you would never be returned. I'm laughing because I thought that I would spend my dark eternity with my unrequited love. But now, now I will look to the light, because you are that light." I felt as if I were not quite hearing his words right. As if I was just magically making all the words that I'd wanted so badly to hear appear on his lips. "Anyway, you were right."

"About what?" I asked, finally daring myself to speak.

Alphonse smiled. "I would not have kissed you in there. I would not have scandalized you like that." He looked at me harshly, now. "But now I will return to my bedchamber and you will return to your party. But I expect you to visit me the first you chance you get."

I nodded faintly. "I will, you know I will," I answered.

"Good," he whispered, leaning in to me. I half expected him to kiss me on my mouth, but he did not. He kissed my cheek, the way he had before. "I love you so, Faerie," he told me. Then, like a whisper, he was gone into his room, shutting the door quietly behind him.

I stood in the North Wing hall feeling faint and slightly dumb. But for the first time since my mother had died, I felt truly, honestly, terribly happy.