Soliloquy

The house was infintesimally quiet the morning after my fateful rendez-vous at Criewulf Estate and my discovery of Prince's secret. I'd understood what he meant and true to my word, I did not think lowly of him...but I was more than a little shocked. He seemed like the last man on this good Earth who would be interested in other men. Then again, my mother had seemed like the last woman on this good Earth to take a lover, and yet she did. She also seemed like the last woman on this good Earth who would keep a secret from her own daughter. And yet she had.

People were extraordinarily hard to judge.

When I awoke the morning after, I was surprised that the house was so empty and still. Then I remembered: it was Sunday. It was the day for mass. Lily, Charles and the entire staff were at the church, being taught the ways of the Lord. I was left sleeping because of my aptitude to not attend Church, like the heathen I knew everyone thought I must be. Last Sunday it had been this quiet and yet I had stayed in my room like a coward. I was still feeling so embarrassed about my abrupt leave of Alphonse, I had not visited him. This day...today would be different. I dressed quickly and let my hair loose, it fell in waves around my shoulders but I had neither the energy nor the patience to put it up. Alphonse was waiting, and I had an idea.

I rushed down the grand staircase and through the foyer and down the North Wing. Nothing would stop me now, not even Napoleon himself could steer me off my course. My slippered feet noisily clacked down the hall and I touched the wall with anticipation. The door handle seemed to burst to life in my hand and I was through the door to the white room. Alphonse was already awake, lying in bed, reading a book. He looked up quickly when he saw me, grinned, frowned and then smiled again. "You did not come to me last night," he said.

Rolling my eyes, I rushed forward. "You act as if I need no sleep. I returned from Criewulf at half past 2 am. I could hardly function." Alphonse got out of his bed easily. He was still wearing his nightclothes. When he saw that he did not even have a pair of trousers on, he blushed.

"Ah excuse me. I did not think I'd have company. It is Sunday, you know."

Impatiently, I spurted out, "I do not believe in that God character and I never asked poor Jesus to die for my sins. So I see that it is unecessary."

Alphonse cocked a grin. "Heathen," he smirked. "Now if you would turn around, I will gladly get dressed. You do seem itching for an adventure."

As I turned around, I laughed. "We are the only ones in this entire manor. And I have decided that we are going to go explore the Wainwright grounds. I have walked a little ways, but the weather is fine today and we shall have no interruptions." Alphonse was quiet and this disconcerted me. I heard him getting dressed, though, and decided to wait until I knew he was finished. I listened to the distinct sounds of him removing his nightshirt, putting an actual shirt on, and pulling on his breeches. It was uncomfortable standing there, turned away from him, and I swallowed nervously. "All set?" I asked.

"Yes," Alphonse answered and I turned back to him. He was looking...unhappy. "I have never been out of doors." His tone was simple and he looked at me innocently. "I have opened the window, but I have never been out...there. Will I be safe?" I asked.

I stared at him for a moment, trying to discern if he was jesting or not. His expression did not change. With a sigh, I tugged him up. "You will be safe. I will make sure that no ravenous squirrels get to you, though. They can be quite menacing, you know, if you get too close." Alphonse rolled his eyes and elbowed me in the side. I laughed and pulled him out of his room. "Honestly, if you can brave a ballroom for a masquerade then you can venture outside. I would be more intimidated by the people than I would the trees and such," I told him.

"Ah yes," Alphonse started, whispering in my ear, "and yet my goal at that masque was to see you and see you I did. Today I have no goal, no mission, no path."

Turning towards him, I attempted a smile that faltered when I saw how close he was to me. "I am sure that you...will survive." He flashed me a dashing grin and slid his wrist out of my hand. He then took my hand with his own and held it tightly. I did not have exceptionally dainty hands, but they did not feel awkward at all within his firm, comforting grasp. I opened the door to exit Deathcreeke and Alphonse flashed me a hesitant look. I tugged him the rest of the way out, into the sunshine. It was strange and almost horrifying that he had never been in the sun. In the natural light, he did look quite pale. This must be why. "Once this whole curse business is over with," I muttered, "you are getting a normal amount of sun, everyday."

I did not receive a reply for that comment, nor did I expect to. Overhead two birds twittered and flew away together towards the small cluster of trees where the large rock sat. I felt a tug on my hand and looked to see that Alphonse had stopped to watch the birds. Smiling, I nudged him. "It's amazing," he breathed then looked down at me. His face was spread out into an enormous grin. It was the kind of smile that would calm any unhappiness I was feeling, if I had been unhappy.

"Come." My words were soft and Alphonse followed behind me as we neared the great rock. I looked to my companion and saw that as we walked, when the sun caught his hair, it shone almost blue. It was a strange and almost magical color and I touched his hair softly with my free hand. Alphonse quickly cocked his head towards me. "Your hair..." I said lamely and flashed him an impish smile. "My apologies, that was inappropriate."

Unexpectedly, Alphonse burst forth a laugh. "Oh, and walking hand in hand with a woman of marriageable age, unchaperoned, is?" he inquired. With a blush, I looked to my feet and did not answer. Luckily, we were at the rock.

"The view is quite spectacular from the top. Do you wish to join me?" I asked.

Alphonse eyed the rock carefully. "You climbed that?" questioned he. I nodded. "I was under the impression that ladies did not tromp about. At least, that's what my etiquette book informed me," said he.

"You have been misinformed," I snapped back indignantly. An etiquette book would have nothing against gentlemen tromping about. Indeed, they were actually encouraged to tromp. Ladies, however, never tromped. Of course, ladies did not cry, ladies did not laugh excessively, ladies did not shrug...I had most certainly broken every rule in the etiquette book. Then I laughed. "Or could it be you are afraid to climb the rock? I would understand. It is so large and you are but a simple lad of seventeen."

Alphonse made a noncommital noise in his throat, rolled up his sleeves and started up the rock like the young boy that I suspected was blossoming inside him. I followed eagerly and soon it was that we were both atop the rock. To me it felt as if I was atop the world. Alphonse took hold of my hand once more. "You do understand that in good families, it is not...right for a 'simple lad of seventeen' to marry." His words were serious. "Eighteen, nineteen...twenty even. It would cause a scandal if we were married in a London church." He sat down on the rock and looked out to where Deathcreeke sat...a stone fortress among the natural world.

I descended as well and fanned my skirts about me. "Yes and I have caused scandals before. Before Mother died...before I met you...when I still was in London, I never attended church. My mother was Irish and she married my father. Those were all scandals I was involved in. I came out generally unscathed." I sat quiet for a moment. "I do suppose it would not hurt if we were wed in the local parish. I would not mind. Then, of course, if it does cause too much talk we can always escape." With a smile, I turned to Alphonse, who was looking at me with a lazy smile. His hand was on his cheek and it rested on his knee. "To France...to Italy...even to America." Then of course, it suddenly dawned on me. My body jerked towards Alphonse. "Wait a moment...Alphonse, you mean to marry me?"

He laughed. "But of course! Why do you seem so surprised? You told me that after the curse business is over with, you are going to see to it that I am out in the sun everyday. How can you do so if I am not your proper husband?"

"Hm." This was a sound of bewilderment...but a happy sort of bewilderment. "Then you truly mean to fight for your life?"

Alphonse lay down on the rock and I followed suit. We looked up at the crystalline blue sky. Birds flit around overhead, their songs tweeting and twittering about like the entire forest were a symphony. "I could say a thousand times, 'I would die for you.' It is true. I would walk through the firey pits of Hell, if that be what you wished. Fortunately, that is not what you wish. Unfortunatley, what you ask of me is harder." He turned his head to me and his eyes were full of a thousand different emotions that I couldn't read. "You ask me to live for you. I gladly will do it, but it is not an easy task. Because someone, oh, anyone can pledge their death to another person...death is ambiguous and for most, death is far off. Heroic deeds seem fine and dandy, but they are not real, they are not true. What is real and what is true...why, that is life. So I pledge not just my death to you, but my life. Every single mundane task, every single tiny effort I make from moment to moment...those are all yours."

My heart caught and I could not breathe. I found that I could only nod, and nod like an idiot. I could tell that I was smiling, because my cheeks ached. My lips would not change, though. I was caught in a perpetual and aching, but in the most beautiful of ways, smile.

"No what was that thing that Lord Byron said about nature?" asked Alphonse.

"What?"

"You know, 'I love not man the less, but Nature more', that whole bit."

"Oh, you mean, 'There is pleasure in the pathless woods, there is rapture on the lonely shore, there is society, where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar, I love not man the less, but Nature more.'"

Turning his head towards me, I saw a glitter in his eye. "I always thought that poem was a lot of hogwash, but now I do believe I understand what he was saying. I fear that there is more that I have missed from my life because I have spent so long in the North Wing." I said nothing to this, he was right, he had missed much. "I will learn in time, I think." He was quiet for another moment. "I was thinking just then...maybe God doesn't come from a church." He then paused to be dramatic, or so I supposed. "What if God is in us?"

I laughed. "Ah yes, of course. I don't suppose you are going to turn into a deist now? Or should I just start calling you John Locke?"

"You misunderstand me," Alphonse replied with a raised eyebrow.

"Terribly sorry. Do go on," I said with a grin. Alphonse shook his head and chuckled a bit. I had never felt this easy, this free and this comfortable before. With everyone else, I constantly tried to either think of what I should say to make them think I was interesting or what I should do to try and keep a sense of decorum. At long last I realized I was starting to catch a glimpse of what love was, after all. It was being absolutely content with myself because Alphonse wanted me that way. I need not change or be transformed for him to continue to love me. I was just me, despites my faults and shortcomings, that was okay for him.

"What if God is not a person, not some almighty being who watches over us and judges our every single move, our every action...but what if God is in the way we feel about one another? The debate over the soul...now that is a debate worth having. What is it, what is the part of our bodies that triggers these intense feelings? I feel an ache in my heart, I feel a flutter in my stomach...a dizziness in my head...that all is a mystery to me. What if it is God, in his own way, telling me what to do?" Alphonse turned his head to the sky and we watched the birds for a few more minutes. "God is in the birds too, I am sure of that. And the trees. And all the tiny little insects that crawl on the ground."

He spoke in riddles, but somehow I understood. "We should not be looking to the heavens, then, I suppose...we should be looking inwards, into ourselves. Into our hearts. Into our souls."

"No heaven. No hell." I felt Alphonse squeeze my hand. "Only us." He nodded. "That," he said almost silently and moved his head towards mine, "that is what I would live for."

We lay like that and I had no idea how much time had passed. We lay staring at each other. Moving my thumb to a spot on Alphonse's wrist, I could feel his pulse underneath his skin. His heart was beating slower than mine and taking a few deep breaths, I relaxed my body. Soon my heart slowed down and our hearts did not beat as one, but they beat right after each other, as if we were complimenting each other. Finally, Alphonse opened his mouth and took a deep breath. His face moved in even closer to mine and I had the inkling of a feeling that he was about to kiss me. "John Locke was not a deist," he whispered.

I stared at him for a moment before letting myself convulse with laughter. Alphonse laughed too and soon we were in stitches on the top of the rock. When I looked at Alphonse, who was still laughing, I attempted to talk. "Well excuse me for thinking so. I have no idea how I could have done such a vile act! To the hangman's noose for me!" Alphonse sat up then and looked very serious.

"Except at the last minute, just as you are to be hanged, I will come and rescue my fair lady." He put his arm around my shoulder and thrust his hand before him, pointing forward, to nowhere, to the great beyond. "I will take you away and we will go sailing around the world. I shall be known as Alphonse the Bold. And you will be..." he thought for a moment, "you shall be Faerie the Wise."

"No no no. I shall be Faerie the Fearsome. Or Faerie the Strong. Wise?" I snorted, "I hardly doubt that I'm wise."

Looking out to Deathcreeke, Alphonse looked very solemn and grave. Finally he turned his head towards me. "That is true. I would not call you wise." His words were as serious as anything, but his mouth betrayed him. It cracked into a smile, and I shoved him - quite unlady-like. With a laugh, Alphonse stood up and reached his hand to me. I held onto it and he pulled me up from my seated position. We stood very close and Alphonse put his arms around my waist. The trees fluttered with wings and below us, below the rock, I spied a small rabbit. It was feeding on the grass and the dead clover that stood in patches near the rock. Nudging Alphonse, we watched the tiny animal. Another rabbit came out to join it and we studied them. Finally, the two small animals hopped off together for another patch of grass, more brown clover...

"We should go back," I finally whispered.

I saw him swallow and nod. "Yes," he answered. We descended from the rock and walked back to the manor, hand in hand. The birds still flew overhead and I wondered if they were just as happy as I. They, happy for the sunshine and I, happy for Alphonse. Happy for this one, small moment of contentment. As we walked, I thought of what Alphonse had said. Looking to the sky, I could not imagine that there really could be a God who would take away my mother, my father...who would hurt an innocent boy like Alphonse...a God like that, how could I believe in such a power? A God within me...I could believe in that. Life was such a mysterious and ambiguous entity. It certainly explained a few things.

Looking to Alphonse, I saw him watching the birds. He then turned his smiling face to me. It was a sad smile, though, I could see that. "If I had wings," he said to me, "I would fly us both away to far-away lands...lands where no one would ever find us...land where no black magic could ever hurt us..."

"Lands where no secrets could betray us," I said quietly. Alphonse looked puzzled but nodded even so. We entered the silent manor again and walked almost despondently to the North Wing. It was the same as we had left it. The sun filtered in and cast bright shadows upon the linens of Alphonse's room as we entered. He closed the door behind me, but held onto my hand to stop me from going any farther. I turned back to him. He still had his free hand on the doorknob and pulled me to him. At the end of the tug were his lips and quickly they were on mine. Holding me so close to him, it was difficult to tell where one of us stopped and where the other started. My hand on his back lifted to his hair and my fingers wound themselves in his long, black tresses. We seemed to be almost tangled with each other.

His mouth was hot against mine and the hands that held onto each other clutched even more tightly. When he finally pulled away, he whispered, "My birth-day is almost upon us." I nodded, for I knew this. "Every moment together could be our last," he said. I was quiet, just trying to let his words sink into my brain. "I love you, my god I love you," he told me, clutching onto me.

"I love you too," I answered, letting my hand from his hair fall to wrap itself around his broad shoulders. "But I must go before Lily and Charles return." I could feel Alphonse nod. He kissed me once more and I left just as quietly as I'd come. When I departed from the North Wing and made my way up the stairs, I realized it could have been as if I'd never gone there at all. Had I really taken Alphonse outside? Had he actually proposed marriage to me? Had we really talked about the nature of God? And had he told me that if he had wings, he would take me away...? It all seemed like one, long, hazy dream. But a dream it could not have been. I'd never felt so strongly in any dream I'd ever had. And I'd never been kissed the way we'd kissed in any dream. No, no. It had to be reality. My beautiful and heartbreaking reality.

My room was almost eerily silent when I entered. With a sigh I opened the window and heard the unimistakable sounds of brids, finally. I smiled at the sound. I would forever think of Alphonse when I thought of birds. Turning back from my window, my eye suddenly caught on the small crate. It had been sitting in a corner of my bedchamber since I'd received it, and I'd made no attempt to look at anything that was in it. Now I went to the crate and looked. On top of everything sat the letter from my father. His spidery handwriting. To read when you are ready to learn the truth. I knew the truth now, didn't I? Then why did I feel as if the letter were different?

A breeze drifted from the window and tousled my hair around my shoulders. I looked at the letter, bent down to touch it, flipped it open and ran my thumb over the wax seal. Then I put it down. And whatever truth lay inside that letter, my own truth was the fact that I was not ready to know. Not now. Not ever.