One Million Steps

"Dada?"

I watched as the man in the coffee-stained white button down shirt rush over to my side, holding a pot of fresh steaming coffee. I breathed in the aroma in the air and got as much of it as I could before he sat it down on the round mahogany table above me, away from my reach.

I heard a word I had never heard before. I don't think it was a word I was supposed to hear. It sounded like...like...duck. Did daddy see a duck? Is he getting me that yellow toy duck we saw when we passed the window the other day? Yay!

I looked at my father. He had nothing yellow and fluffy in his hands. He had a tattered old dishcloth in his hands, now soaking wet from some coffee he had spilt. Unhappy, I did what I usually did to get what I wanted. I screamed.

"DADA!!!" I shouted, letting the noise-making toy in my hands fall to the floor with a soft thump.

His face turned frantic. His 2-year-old daughter needed help. Why wasn't he coming?

"Yes, baby? In a moment, okay?" he called, knowing I understood the gist of the sentence.

Impatient, I spoke anyway.

"Dada," I paused, struggling for the right words, "Where...is...momma?" I managed to ask.

His cleaning came to an abrupt stop. He stared at the dishcloth first. Then at an old photograph of his wife which sat on the mantle. Then he looked at me. He didn't look very panicked at that moment. He looked calm even. Calmer than he had ever been since the last time I saw my mum.

I kept my gaze fixed on his, a questioning look on my face. I watched as his face turned softer and softer. Until he looked like a completely different person. His dark brown eyes softened and his heavy breathing slowed. He heaved a loud sigh, loud enough for me to hear, and bent down.

He made his way towards me, stopping just a few inches away from me. He crossed his legs in front of him and pulled me to his lap. I liked sitting there. One of my favourite places to sit when I was a baby, actually. My other favourite was on my mother's lap or in her arms.

He hugged me closer to him and pressed his face to the little hair I had on my head. I could feel his breath and his heart beat. Ba-dump Ba-dump

Still hugging me close to him, he muttered, "I don't know, honey. I...really...don't know."