You Don't Know Me

Monday, January 11, 2009

Nothing was left to celebrate after the fight so a lot of people from Newton left, but the public school people stayed till late that night and into the morning. I knew this because I was up half the night listening to them laugh, scream, sing, and dance.
I was lying on my bed watching the ceiling spin, thinking about Luke. I was trying to picture us getting married. I would wear a white dress that looks like a mermaid and a he would be waiting impatiently for me to walk down the isle. The song we’d dance to would be something fast and fun, I’d throw the bouquet and Naomi would catch it and later that night get engaged to Tyler. Jason and Tyler would be the groomsmen and Naomi and Joliet would be my maids of honor. It’d be a small wedding, on the coast, with the waves behind us, and the smell of the ocean breezing through the roses and bleeding hearts.
If life were perfect that would happen to me. I would get married and be happy with the man I loved. But life isn’t perfect, and it sure isn’t fair. There’s really nothing to be dependent upon except that fact right there.
I didn’t want to get up Monday morning. My heart seemed to be beating in my legs instead of my chest. It’s probably because I haven’t eaten more than an apple and a 100-calorie bagel in the last week, but I’m down and that’s all that really mattered. 102.5 pounds with a BMI of 15.1, and I felt like I could rule the world. Or faint. Whichever came first.
I lifted my gross body up off the floor and stood up. Black and blue dots rushed through my brain and I closed my eyes. If I just breathe and stand still for a moment, hanging on to something, it’ll pass. As soon as it did I changed for the days sins.

School was an entirely different experience today. Tyler was acting extremely quiet, Joliet was worried, Jason was angry with Luke, and Luke was ignoring all of us. Including me. What a surprise, he didn’t want to face me when things got rough. I was a little angry with him too, especially since Miranda had no trouble getting him to talk. I swear one of these days I will be on the news for the murder of that woman.
Joliet let out a big sigh as we sat down in chemistry class, our last period of the day. “What would we ever do without Miranda?”
“Have a decent nights sleep.” I yawned, taking out my notebook and copying down today’s date.
She laughed, rolling her eyes. “That’s for sure. Has Luke talked to you yet?”
The teacher began lecturing, ignoring the side conversations still going on. “No he hasn’t.” I pretended to be deeply interested in the formations of atoms while Joliet tried to read my facial expressions.
“Jerk. That’s what I hate about Luke, he doesn’t face the problem.” She stabbed her paper with her pencil, leaving tiny dots on it.
I shivered from the cold and tugged on the sleeves of my sweater. “There’s not much I can do. The balls in his court.”
“I don’t think he has any balls.”
I turned to face her, covering my mouth so I wouldn’t laugh. “Nice, very mature.”
The teacher droned on and on about stuff we don’t care about and never will care about until the lovely bell rung to dismiss us from our punishment. I was drawing a flower when it rung, and practically jumped out of my seat.
“Finally,” Joliet murmured and got up.
I looked up from my paper in a daze; the lecture was more exhausting than usual, and I wasn’t fully aware of what was going on.
“Bell rung,” Joliet tapped my shoulder and threw her bag over her back.
I sighed, collecting my binder in my arms and slowly lifted myself up. The classroom had completely disappeared though. Black dots had filled my eyes, blocking my vision, and my breath was taken away like someone punched me really hard. Everything from that point on was a dream.

I woke up in a tiny room, lying on my back on an elevated blue mattress. On the walls were pictures of ears and stomachs and schedules. I realized that I was in the nurse’s office. A quick wave of relief rushed through me. I wasn’t in the hospital, thank goodness, otherwise they would fill my body with crappy liquids and tell my father that he was a crappy parent. But no, this was the nurses office, where a simple “I’ll get better, I promise” will suffice. Here they can’t force me to do anything but rest, which I’m grateful for anyway.
My body felt ten times heavier than usual and my head hurt like needles were sticking out of it. I must have hit my arm on the table as I fainted because there was a bandage on it that covered the wrist and elbow. Uh oh, I thought, that was the wrist that-
“Miss Reece, I’m glad to see you’ve woken up.” The nurse walked through the door carrying a bag of ice. “Here, put this over the bandage in your wrist to make it feel better.” She had one of those voices that you’d expect a kindergarten teacher to have, not a high school nurse. She was middle aged and had tiny gray hairs appearing on her head, and she was somewhat overweight for her short frame.
I took the ice bag and held it on my arm. “What happened exactly?” Or do I want to know the state of embarrassment I’m in now?
“Well, you took a tumble but it wasn’t so bad. Only your arm scraped against the table on your way down and you had some cuts on it that opened up, so they started bleeding. Your arm is a little bruised but that’s the only part of you that got injured luckily.” There was something else that she was holding back, but she didn’t say it.
I thought of those cuts on my arm. That’s why it stung so badly. Wait, so did the nurse see?
“Nahla, what have you eaten today?”
Oh, so it’s that she’s taking on first. Well, it’s lying time. “An apple for breakfast and half a sandwich for lunch. I didn’t have time to drink any water today though.”
She pursed her lips, thinking to herself. “Hmm, well what about yesterday?”
I mentally sighed. “Same, except I had water and dinner of course.”
“How many calories do you think you’ve been consuming on a day-to-day basis for the last week?”
Without thinking I replied, “Fifteen hundred, maybe.”
This pleased her for some reason and she looked like she had beaten a tough game of scramble. “Well, I’m afraid I can’t help you anymore, you’ll have to see Mr. Ruben. I’ll go talk to him now and get back to you. Just sit here and ice your wrist.”
Mr. Ruben was a counselor here, one of three. He wasn’t the college counselor type though; he was the “issue” kind. “Wait, why do I have to see him if I just fainted?”
“There’s a reason you fainted. I think you might have an eating disorder that needs to be dealt with immediately, and also self-injury problems that need to be addressed. A person who does not have an eating disorder would have thought about their calorie intake before answering. You said what I wanted to hear, not the truth. Since you didn’t tell me the truth, it obviously isn’t what I want to hear, therefore, you need to see your counselor Mr. Ruben.”
I wanted to grab her arm, spin her around, and tell her she had no idea what she was getting herself into. But I didn’t. I just sat there and stared at the door she had just closed.

Mr. Ruben’s office smelled like fresh tissues and wood. It wasn’t clean at all, there were papers piled high on his wooden desk and the furniture seemed like it was just thrown around the room without any setting. The couch against the wall was old and when you sat in it you couldn’t get out, your butt was permanently planted in the seat. If you chose the beanbag chair, then you’re below eye level of the counselor who sat in his desk chair, and that meant you were defenseless.
I hadn’t been into his office since the beginning of the year when he was doing checkups for everyone in our class. When I walked in today, there was already someone on the couch.
“Nahla, come in and have a seat.” Mr. Ruben’s voice was inviting and kind, but a little too loose.
At first I thought I was interrupting another session, but when I saw whom the person was I realized this was an ambush.
Luke sat uncomfortably on the end of the couch, turning away from the both of us and looking at the floor. Mr. Ruben was sitting in his swivel chair, tapping a pen on his pressed lips.
I decided to sit on the other end of the couch, as far away from Luke as possible. I had to be in control, so I didn’t sit in the beanbag chair, but I wasn’t about to nuzzle with Luke either.
“Okay, so Nahla…” Mr. Ruben sighed and turned his chair in our direction. “Do you wanna talk about what happened today?”
Yes, I would love to describe the wonderful feeling of fainting in front of my classmates, the same people who worshipped me on a day-to-day basis. When can I start? I better play this well though otherwise it’s the loony ward for me. “I don’t really feel like discussing it.” I tried blushing a little and felt my face get warm. I need to end this confrontation as soon as possible.
“Hmm, fair enough. But I think we need to discuss why you fainted. Luke seems to be worried about your eating habits.”
Luke didn’t look up when his name was mentioned. He kept staring at the old rug on the floor like it held the key to life.
“Well, I’ll admit that I’m a weird eater,” I half-smiled, sighing quietly. “I’ve just been so stressed lately with school and college coming up, and cheerleading competitions. It’s hard to have a normal eating schedule.”
Mr. Ruben nodded his head, “You’re right, it is hard. But we’re afraid that maybe you’re taking it too far. Have you been dieting?”
“I haven’t had any intentions of dieting, no. Of course, I want to look good for cheerleading, but I haven’t been cutting food for that. We work out a lot and my body is naturally thin, so I could understand Luke being concerned.” I had this.
“So you haven’t been dieting? That’s good. Have you been loosing weight though? Your appearance is more of a concern as well.”
“Not that I’m aware of, but I could have my doctor check my weight during my next physical which is coming up.”
“Okay, that would be wonderful, I appreciate the honesty Nahla. Luke, is there anything you want to add?”
He finally took his eyes off the rug, looking straight up, his eyes meeting mine for a second. He looked like he lost a war. His eyes were glossy and baggy and carried no life, like he had never woken up this morning. It took a while for him to reply to Mr. Ruben’s question. I looked at him, begging for no argument. My lying techniques could only go so far.
Luke sighed and looked down again. “No.”