Disguised as a Lover

Coward.

That is the only word I can think of to explain how I feel right now. Maybe I was overreacting, but it is how I feel and I don't know what I was thinking. There's a couple reasons I feel this way at the moment. I let Chase, one man, ruin my entire outlook on relationships. He had shown me how not everything is how it seems. I was almost sure that our relationship was perfect, that nothing could go wrong and we would grow old together. I was the happiest I could be, until stupid Barbie came along and stole him. What she doesn't know is she stole my trust for most things I know also.
So now not only did I push away a potentially good thing, although he has a fiance, I also burrowed more into my untrusting routine. Like a wake up call, I discovered we could never be something because not only am I suppose to hate Bam Margera, I also could guarantee it would take a life time to gain my full trust.

The other reason I feel like a coward, is I am hiding in the back of my truck so I can get some time alone to think. Someone was bound to come look for me to talk, and I wasn't in the mood to talk. Only to think. The back of the Escalade is the only random enough place I could think of, that no one would look in.

So here I was, laying in the back seat of my SUV with my feet propped on the arm of the door, arms carelessly behind my head, with tinted windows shielding me from anyone in the outside world.

I always thought I was destine to hate Bam, and that's just what we would always do, hate each other. I guess I was wrong. Or am I? Maybe It was just a moment or sexual tension. Yeah, lets go with that. But if that were the case, than why am I reeling it through my thoughts over and over again, savoring the moment, wishing I would have just gone with the flow instead of pushing him away. Yeah it definitely wasn't a moment for me. It probably was for him though. He's probably sitting at home, or out with the guys thinking 'wow what the hell was I thinking, kissing that?!' or just not thinking about it at all.

Yup, it's official Shane. You're going insane.

As I wallowed in self pity for a little while longer, I slowly felt my eyelids drift open and closed a few times before falling asleep in the back seat of my car.

+++

"Where the hell could she have gone?"

"I don't know Novak, she's your sister!"

What is all the yelling for, I'm tying to sleep.

"You said you were the last one to see her Bam, did she tell you what she was doing tonight?!"

Bam?

"We got in an argument and I left. Why would she stop in the middle of our argument to tell me 'Oh yeah Bam, I'm going out to so and so tonight, tell my brother.' I told you like a million times, I don't know where she could be!"

pshttt. Argument. Okay, so that's what they call almost having sex these days.

"I'll just try calling her again."

"Dude, She's 26. I'm pretty sure she doesn't need a baby sitter, or her big brother checking up on her. Her car's still here, I'm pretty sure she couldn't have gone far."

Hell yeah I don't need a babysitter!

"I'll just go get her car keys and drive around."

Oh hell no you aren't touching my car! Wait. I'm in my car.

I started to finally get a hold on reality, instead of what I thought was a dream, and pull myself up from the back seat of my car. I sat up cracking the bones of my stiff neck and back and looked out the windshield to see my brother walking towards my house and Bam leaning against the front of the car with his arms crossed. I slowly pulled the handle to the car door, making Bam turn around an meet my eyes for a mere millisecond, before yelling to Novak, who was opening the front door, that he found me.

My brother soon ran up to me and gave me a bone crushing hug. "Oh thank god I found you."

"I was missing?" I asked a little confused and still slightly hazy from my afternoon nap.

"Shannon. I have been calling you since five in the after noon. It is now one in the morning." I cringed at my full name and his tone of voice. It sounded eerily similar to my mothers tone of voice when she told me I was bold.

"Well I went in my car to be alone, which obviously worked, so I left my phone inside." I said shrugging like it was no big deal I was M.I.A for half the day.

"Why the hell would you go in your car to think? It must have been some serious thinking."

I glanced at Bam who seemed to think his show laces were more interesting then the brotherly scalding I was getting. He must have felt my stare though, because he looked up and I met his eyes for a few long seconds before his went back to the ground and mine went back to my brother.

My brother must have noticed the unusual tension between Bam and I because what came out of his mouth next was almost right on the money.

"Why are you guys acting like you had sex or something?!" He yelled making Bams eyes shoot up from the ground and mine look anywhere but in my brothers eyes. He must have taken my silence as a confirmation and he looked like he just got bitch slapped.

"You did?! Bam are you kidding me, this is my baby sister and you have a fiance...." his rant continued but I was speechless. We didn't have sex but what was I supposed to say. I heard Bam mumble something under his voice and I guess Novak did too because he stopped his ranting and his head shot back to Bam.

"What did you say?"

"I said we didn't have sex." Bam said lowly but seriously and convincingly.

"Well you did something then, because you guys are always shooting nasty comments or glaring at each other, but not this time. Now your just avoiding each other all together."

"We kissed alright?" Bam yelled, startling me and my brother.

"you kissed?" my brother said lowly but shocked.

"Yes. We kissed. We were arguing, then we kissed." Bam repeated again, taking on my brothers tone.

"kissed..." Novak said, repeating it a few times as if to make sure he was hearing it right.

"Yes, we kissed, like mouth to mouth, tongue to tongue. K-I-S-S-E-D." Bam said again, this time spelling it out.

There was a few minutes of awkward silence where Bam and I just let the thought process through his head a little more, until he finally spoke.

"Bam, I think were gonna go home and have a little talk now. Good night Shane." He said in a kind of friendly but eery tone that I didn't like one bit.

"Night." I said, thinking Bam probably wouldn't make it out alive.